Little Earthquakes
by Evil Willow
Summary: Sequel to Moving On. Still Buffy/Xander pairing. Xander & Buffy's lives get more complicated. They attempt to figure out how to keep these obstacles from pulling them apart.
1. Candy Bars, Anyone?

Little Earthquakes: Part 1/58 - Candy Bars, Anyone?  
Sequel to Moving On  
Author: Evil Willow   
Feedback: It keeps me writing!   
Rating: PG-13   
Distribution: Will be at: The Vamps N Slayers Archive:   
http://www.crosswinds.net/~evilwillow/index.html Those of you who   
have my other fics, feel free to take this one too, no need to ask.   
Those of you who do not have my other fics, please ask and give me   
the URL to your site. The answer's always yes. ;-)   
Disclaimer: They're not mine, I'm just borrowing them for a while.   
Joss and the other stupids can have the characters back soon, even   
though they won't do the right thing with them. Tori Amos wrote/sings   
the song, "Little Earthquakes", from which the title of the fic is   
borrowed. I also think the song fits the fic. Read the lyrics and   
you'll see.  
Category: Story/Romance/Angst   
Couples: Buffy/Xander Yes, you read that right. Also Buffy/Angel,   
Joyce/Giles and Willow/Oz  
Spoilers: This is a sequel to my B/X Fic Moving On, which was an   
alternate take on the events after Becoming II, and the summer   
following. This fic will be set in an alternate   
season 3, then. Minor spoilers here and there. I'll warn you. As of   
now: spoilers for the episode Band Candy, but I've modified it   
somewhat to fit my style.  
Summary: Xander and Buffy's lives get more complicated. They attempt  
to figure out how to keep these obstacles from pulling them apart.  
Author's Notes: I'm continuing my B/X phase, at the request of   
several who enjoyed Moving On. I hope you enjoy it.   
  
Words enclosed in * * = thoughts; and in _ _ = emphasis   
  
**************  
Part One - Candy Bars, Anyone?  
Wednesday afternoon  
  
Buffy walked into the house after school, holding a large box filled   
with candy bars. "Stupid fundraiser," she muttered, walking in and   
depositing the box on the kitchen counter.   
  
"Fundraiser for the school band," Buffy said with a sigh. At Joyce's   
confused look she added, "Snyder, okay?"   
  
"Oh," Joyce nodded, satisfied with that explanation. "So what are you   
going to do with them?"  
  
"I was really hoping you'd buy them," Buffy said, her eyes pleading.   
  
"Buffy, I'm trying to diet," Joyce replied with a frown.   
  
"Try one?" Buffy said. "Five bucks, come on, Mom. It's the school   
spirit thing and all that."   
  
It was Joyce's turn to sigh. She nodded, and reached for a bar. "Not   
bad," she commented. "You had any?"   
  
"I tried one, they're pretty good," Buffy said. "But I'd   
rather sell than buy."  
  
"How many are in there?" Joyce asked.   
  
"Forty," Buffy replied. At Joyce's look, she said, "What? Again, it   
was NOT my idea. Please help me out here. You KNOW I don't have time   
to fundraise. My priority is demon killing, remember?"   
  
"Don't remind me," Joyce muttered. "Oh, okay," she sighed in   
resignation at Buffy's pathetic look. "I'll buy...twenty," Joyce   
said.   
  
"Thanks mom!" Buffy exclaimed, and hugged her. She took the rest of   
the candy bars, and said, "Listen, I gotta go. Meeting Xan. I'm gonna   
try to get Giles to buy the rest of these things."   
  
"Mr. Giles eats candy?" Joyce asked in surprise.   
  
"No, but I can usually get him to agree to most anything," Buffy   
grinned and headed out the door.  
  
  
*******  
4 pm  
  
Xander's House  
  
"Hey Mary," Buffy greeted Xander's mom when he opened the door.   
  
"Xander's downstairs," Mary said with a smile.   
  
"Thanks!" Buffy ran downstairs, after hearing Xander call up to   
enter. "Hey," she greeted Xander with a smile, then stopped dead in   
her tracks. Xander was sitting on his bed, surrounded by SAT prep books.   
"You're studying????" she looked at him in shock. "I thought we agreed   
not to over-study. We're meeting Willow and Oz in an hour to study,   
so that should be enough," she added, hands on her hips.   
  
"You're cute when you're irritated," Xander chuckled, and walked over   
to her, kissing her lightly. Her eyes remained narrowed, and he   
said, "Hey, truce. This is not 'Xander studying.' This is   
'Xander making his parents think he's studying, when in reality   
he's waiting for his...'"   
  
Buffy snorted with laughter. "Girlfriend," she supplied with a   
grin. "Come on, Xan, you can say it, "giiirlfrieeend," she teased,   
punching him in the ribs lightly.   
  
"Sorry," Xander shrugged, "It's just that it still hits me sometimes,   
you know? That's what you are. That's what we are. And I get   
all 'Wow.'"   
  
Buffy smiled, "And that is just _too_ adorable," she said, before   
pulling him to her for a kiss. "So now that we have that established,   
for the ... hundredth time, on to more important matters. Such as,   
did you get your parents to buy any chocolate?"   
  
"Mom bought ten bars," Xander replied. "I was hoping to hit up Giles   
next."   
  
"Not likely, *I'm* going to ask," Buffy said.   
  
Xander went to sit on his bed, and Buffy sat next to him. Xander   
asked, "And that means what, exactly?"   
  
"I'm his Slayer, he has a responsibility to me," Buffy shrugged. "Oh,   
don't pout," she rolled her eyes at his expression. "I mean it!" she   
yelled, as he showed no signs of letting up. She grinned then, "I'll   
wipe that pout off your face, Xander Harris," before tackling him and   
kissing him.  
  
************  
End pt. 1  
  



	2. Immature

7 pm  
  
Xander and Buffy had finished studying with Willow and Oz and were   
walking to Giles' apartment. "Maybe he won't think I need to patrol   
tonight," Buffy said.   
  
"Fat chance....holy shit."   
  
Buffy, who'd looked back at him to speak, turned back to look at what   
had shocked him. Giles and ..."Mom?" Buffy looked at her mother in   
surprise. She was wearing a red tube top, "MY red top!" Buffy yelled,   
along with her own very tight black spandex pants. Giles was wearing   
just his undershirt and blue jeans. "What alternate universe did we   
just walk in to?" Buffy turned back to Xander to ask.   
  
Xander looked at her, and shrugged. "Normally I'd ask Giles, but I   
don't think that would do much good. I doubt he's going to be   
research-guy--"   
  
"Research blows!" Giles yelled uncharacteristically. "Ethan was right   
years ago, it's for the boring people." He looked at Buffy and   
asked, "Hey, why aren't you slaying something?"   
  
Buffy blinked a few times, and gasped in horror when her mother   
sidled up to Giles and grabbed his neck, pulling him down for a   
kiss. "MOM!" Buffy shrieked in disgust.   
  
She then turned back to Xander for moral support, only to see him   
watching with a mildly amused expression.   
  
He changed that to match her disapproval, and said, "I'm hoping   
there's a paranormal cause for this. I don't know for sure, but I'd   
say that Giles in blue jeans has got to be a sign of the end of the   
world."   
  
Buffy couldn't help giggling at that, but the fact that her mom now   
had Giles pinned up against the wall forced her attention back to the   
problem at hand. She walked up to her mom and pulled her off Giles,   
despite Joyce's struggles. "Mom, what has gotten into you?" she asked.   
  
"And you!" she yelled, turning on Giles. "Have you had a mid-life   
crisis or something?"   
  
"No," Giles frowned. "Sod off, Buffy. You should learn how to have a   
good time. Life is useless without it."   
  
"Moooom," Buffy whined as her mother pushed her out of the way and   
resumed her attack on Giles. "Stop, you're wigging me out!"   
  
"Maybe I should call Wills?" Xander asked. He made it halfway to the   
phone, before he remembered: "Oh, she's at the Bronze. The Dingoes are   
playing."   
  
"Well, then we're _all_ going," Buffy said. She pulled her mom off   
Giles again, and said, "I'll take you home and lock you in your room   
if you don't control your hormones. As for you, Mister," she turned   
to Giles, "Stop trying to ..." she made a face. "I can't say it,   
but you know what I mean. Come on. I'll drive."   
  
**********  
9 pm  
  
Buffy, Xander, Giles, and Joyce got in her mom's Jeep. They had   
decided Xander would sit in back with Giles, and Joyce would sit in   
the front passenger seat. That way Xander and Buffy wouldn't have had   
to break up the obviously impending makeout session between Buffy's   
mother and Watcher.  
  
Joyce immediately put in a CD by Cream, and Buffy rolled her   
eyes. "Hey, you got another of those?" Joyce turned to ask Giles,   
indicating the cigarette hanging out of Giles' mouth.  
  
"You smoke?" Buffy squeaked, but he didn't reply. Instead, he handed   
Joyce a cigarette and smirked at Buffy.  
  
"So how come they, uh, call you Ripper?" Joyce asked then.  
  
Buffy caught the leer in Giles' expression as he replied, "Wouldn't   
you like to know."  
  
"Lalalalalalala!" Buffy yelled.  
  
Xander chuckled but Buffy silenced him with a look thrown at the   
rearview. "Sorry, I'm supposed to be helping, aren't I?" he said.   
  
"Wait, this is my favorite part!" Joyce squealed as she turned up the   
radio; Xander and Buffy both groaned in exasperation.   
  
Giles then piped up, "Man, I gotta get a band together."   
  
"There's no place like home, there's no place like home," Buffy   
started chanting then. Xander leaned up and rubbed the back of her   
neck, saying, "Don't worry, Willow will fix this, if it's a curse--"   
  
"IF????" Buffy spared a look at him. "Don't say if. I can't live with   
a non-if here." She remembered to look back at the road as the jeep   
swerved.   
  
""How often do you drive, anyway?" Xander asked, starting to wonder   
how safe they were.   
  
"I drive," Buffy replied defensively. "I drove two years ago," she   
amended softly.   
  
"What????" Xander was now seriously doubting the intelligence of   
letting Buffy drive. As if to affirm those doubts; just then, a car   
slammed into the side of the jeep. Buffy managed to keep from losing   
control and they finally skidded to a stop.   
  
Buffy got out of the jeep in time to see the driver of the car, a man   
in his forties, run off giggling. "Hey!" she yelled after him, but   
didn't bother to follow. "What is going on around here?" she   
wondered.   
  
"Wondering that, myself," Xander replied from behind her.   
  
Buffy looked past him, "Xan, you were supposed to *watch* them!" she   
wailed. "I'm scarred for life." she stated as she leaned against him,   
burying her face in his shirt. Xander looked back to the   
jeep and saw that Giles was now shirtless and so was Joyce. They were   
both in the back seat of the car and...   
  
"Well," Xander cleared his throat. "Um. We still have to find Willow.   
What do you think we should do with them?"   
  
Buffy shrugged, unwilling to look again. "I'm sure Giles still   
remembers how to slay. And mom always carries a stake and holy water   
in her purse. There's a cross hanging from the rear view." She   
sighed. "Let's just go find Willow and stop this before I lose my   
ability to look at Giles with any kind of respect."   
  
Xander nodded, and they hurried off in the direction of the Bronze.   
They arrived and descended on Willow, who was watching the Dingoes   
play. "Willow, there's a curse or   
  
something making everyone go completely weird..." Buffy trailed off   
as she saw Snyder dancing....dancing!....with Miss Barton, one of   
their teachers. "I guess you've gathered that much," she added.   
  
Willow nodded in reply.   
  
"All the grownups are...acting..."  
  
"Immature?" Willow suggested.   
  
"Well, yeah, but I was gonna say they're acting like us," Xander   
replied. Willow and Buffy looked at him, and nodded. "Good call,"   
Buffy said. "So what curse is doing this?"   
  
Willow and Xander looked at her, and shrugged. Giles was the head   
researcher in the group, without him they were lost.  
  
When Oz's band got off the stage, several men started up a rendition   
of "Louie Louie." Buffy was about to suggest leaving when she saw   
Snyder and another man fighting over one of the bars of chocolate.   
The rest of the gang soon noticed too, as did the whole club, which   
erupted in "Fight! Fight! Fight!"   
  
Buffy and the rest of the gang exchanged pained looks and then left   
the club. "It's gotta be the candy! It's cursed. Now if we only knew   
where the factory was," Buffy said.  
  
"Main street, and Fifth," Oz replied then. When everyone looked at   
him in surprise, he said, "What, I was curious and asked Snyder this   
morning."   
  
"Whatever," Buffy shrugged. "Come on guys."  
  
***************  



	3. Ending the Insanity

Candy Bar Factory  
10 pm  
  
They got back into the jeep, where (luckily) Joyce and Giles were asleep in the back  
seat, clothed again. Willow and Oz woke them up, shoved them over and got in  
the back seat with them, Willow on Oz' lap. Xander got in the passenger seat   
and looked at Buffy sympathetically.   
  
She shook her head and sighed;' but resolved to avoid thinking about what had  
obviously just happened between Giles and her mother. She started the jeep,   
just wanting to get to the Factory and stop whatever was causing this.   
  
They arrived at the factory and walked inside, finding it empty. Buffy heard a  
male voice though and homed in on it, walking down one of the hallways. The  
others followed close behind. Then they saw him.   
  
"Ethan Rayne!" Buffy shouted. Giles heard her, and walked up behind  
her.   
  
"Ethan," he greeted the man.   
  
"Ripper," Ethan nodded back. He flashed both of them a grin, then turned and  
ran.   
  
Giles and Buffy ran after him, leaving the others to wonder what to do next. "I  
think she would've said, 'Help', if she wanted it," Willow offered. The others  
nodded.  
  
"Wow, look at all that chocolate," Xander said. The entire factory was filled  
with ceiling-high stacks of boxes, presumably all filled with the chocolate bars.  
  
"Yeah, that's quite a supply of cursed chocolate," Willow said. "That's pretty  
cool," she added. At Xander and Oz's confused looks, she said, "Hey, I didn't  
say _I_ wanted to help them. I'm a _good_ witch."   
  
They looked up as Buffy and Giles dragged a dazed and beaten Ethan Raynes back  
over to the group. "He needs to be tied up 'til we can figure out what to do with   
him," Buffy said.  
  
Joyce pulled a set of handcuffs out of her back jeans pocket, and winked at  
Buffy. "Um..."   
  
Buffy gave her mother a horrified look, "_Never_ tell me!" She insisted. She took   
the handcuffs and secured Ethan to a nearby table leg. She explained what Ethan had   
confessed. "The candy was a distraction to get rid of the adults for a while. A   
vampire guy named Trick is behind it. He's on his way to the hospital to steal   
babies for an offering to some Lurconis demon. I'm going to stop him."   
  
"I'm with," Xander said.   
  
"Fine, but where do you think we should go?" Buffy asked. "Ethan wasn't   
much help on that one."  
  
Giles said in a far-off voice, "'Lurconis dwells beneath the city, filth to  
filth.'"   
  
Buffy looked at him in surprise, "What?"   
  
"Oooh!" Giles looked at her eagerly. "I know this. Uh... I knew this." He  
frowned again in concentration. "Lurconis means... 'glutton'. And we'll find  
him.. um...in the sewers."   
  
"The sewers?" Joyce gave Giles a 'my hero' look before hugging him.  
  
"Okay, Giles," Buffy replied, "We're going to the sewers."   
  
Joyce kissed Giles and Buffy groaned, "And don't do that!" She stomped  
out of the room, with Giles and Xander close at her heels.  
  
*********  
Sewer System  
10:30 pm  
  
Buffy, Giles and Xander arrived at the sewer tunnel in question. Buffy was the   
first in, and saw several vampires standing around four babies. Then she noticed the   
Mayor..."The Mayor?" Buffy shook her head. "I'll figure you out later," she threw at him.   
  
She saw the vampire Trick standing near a shallow pool at the end of one tunnel, having recognized him from Ethan's description. "I'm going to have to kill you now," she warned.   
Just then a large demon-snake emerged from the tunnel where the pool was, grabbed the   
nearest thing, in this case a vampire, and retreated again.   
  
"What the hell was that?" Giles asked, his expression one of shock.   
  
"Lurconis, I'm thinking," Buffy shrugged.   
  
"Ordinarily, I like other people to do my fighting for me, but I just gotta see  
what you got," Trick said, approaching her.  
  
Buffy smiled and replied, "Just tell me when it hurts." Before she could move,  
though, Giles rushed past her and pushed her back.   
  
"Giles! No!" Buffy yelled in protest.  
  
He threw a punch at Trick's face, but Trick then grabbed him by the shirt and  
threw him into the pool. The vampire then made a run for it, but Xander tripped him.   
When he jumped to his feet, Xander staked him. He threw a smile at Buffy and she  
smiled back. She heard a rumbling coming from the tunnel, though, and ran to help Giles  
out of the pool.   
  
She looked around for a weapon to use against the demon. She saw a gas pipe   
above her, and pulled it loose from the ceiling. She pointed the free end at one of  
the torches on the wall, and flames spewed out from it. Perfect timing, she realized,  
as the demon emerged from the tunnel to become engulfed in flames. It shrieked and retreated.   
  
"Well, that was fun," Buffy said, as she, Xander and Giles retrieved the babies  
from where the other vamps had abandoned them.  
  
***********  
11 pm  
  
The entire group sat around Giles' living room. Buffy couldn't stop glaring  
alternately at Giles and her mom.   
  
"What?" Joyce asked self-consciously. "I don't remember much. What did I do?"   
  
"'What did I do?????'" Buffy looked at her in amazement. "Oh, forget it," she  
muttered, leaning back against Xander's side. "That insanity is _not_ something I  
want to think about anymore. In fact, come here," she said to Xander, dragging  
him outside.   
  
"Okay," Xander chuckled. "That was--" he was prevented from finishing his thought   
when Buffy threw herself at him, capturing his lips in a kiss.   
"Mmph," was next, as his back hit the wall. Not that he wasn't enjoying himself.   
He wrapped his arms around Buffy's waist, and kissed her back passionately.   
  
The others inside looked at each other and gave a collective shrug at Buffy  
and Xander's quick departure. "Gotta tell you, Giles," Oz remarked, "You must've  
been pretty wild in your day. Ripper?"   
  
"Yes, well, um..." Giles fumbled for words. Finally, having none to offer, he  
shrugged and wandered down the hall.   
  
"Now that was more like the Giles we know and love," Oz said. Everyone jumped  
as they heard the loud thud from outside on the wall, and looked at each other  
again. Willow giggled, guessing what it was, but recovered quickly. "Uh, a bird  
flew into the side of the house?" she suggested.   
  
They all looked at her in amazement. "Willow, I think that chocolate did something  
to you, too," Oz finally said.  
  
"What, I'm not allowed to have a weird sense of humor, occasionally?" she asked.   
  
*********  
Outside  
  
"What was that for?" Xander asked breathlessly, after Buffy finally pulled away  
and leaned her head on his chest. He pulled her closer, however, quite content with  
staying where they were.  
  
"Driving away bad mental images," Buffy replied, looking up at him with her eyes  
twinkling.   
  
"Oh. Okay," he smiled back. "Glad I could be of assistance." He then leaned  
in again, intent on helping her to further remove those bad mental images.  
  
  
***************  
End Three  



	4. The New Big Bad?

One week later  
Wednesday afternoon   
  
Buffy and Xander arrived at Giles' apartment for pre-patrol briefing. Buffy  
chose to knock, instead of just walking in as she'd gotten used to doing. At  
Xander's questioning look, she said, "I have no intention of risking it."   
  
"They said they didn't remember," Xander reminded her.   
  
"I don't care. It's better this way; I ensure no more emotional scarring,"  
she replied.   
  
Giles opened the door and stood back, saying, "Buffy, Xander, please come in."   
  
He avoided looking Buffy in the eyes, which was just fine with her. She was  
still feeling generally wigged out by the events of the previous week, herself.   
She knew that Oz and Willow had filled him in on the general details of what had  
happened, which explained his discomfort. She hoped she could get things back to   
normal between them and told herself it would just take time. "Okay, so have you   
found anything out about the Mayor?" she asked.   
  
"Not yet," Giles replied with a shake of his head. "He seems to be generally  
respected by the town and I can't find anything suspicious about him."   
  
"Well, I guess being part of demon rituals wouldn't make him unusual in this  
town," Buffy sighed. "Is he a demon? Can I kill him?" she added eagerly.   
  
Xander chuckled, "If only life was that simple. Unfortunately, bad guys aren't  
always demons. Sometimes they're just bad guys." *Don't I know that's the case*  
he thought.   
  
Buffy looked to Giles for an answer.   
  
"I don't think he is," Giles said. "So killing him would be wrong, technically,"  
he added with a sigh.  
  
"Well, it was just a thought," Buffy said. She sat on the couch, next to  
Xander. "So anything else to watch out for, tonight?" She smiled as Xander put his  
arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer. She ran her hand up and down his  
left thigh, seemingly absent-mindedly, but only to outward appearances.   
She knew he'd eventually...  
  
*I win!* she suppressed a grin when he grabbed the wandering hand with his   
free one.   
  
He turned to her and gave her a 'I can't believe you're doing that in front of  
Giles!' look.  
  
She responded with a 'What, I'm not doing a thing!' look.   
  
Giles clearing his throat reminded them both why they were in his apartment.  
Buffy looked up at him, and said, "I'm listening."  
  
Giles rolled his eyes to make it clear he knew that she hadn't been listening  
at all. "Just general demonic activity as far as I know," he answered. "And  
I'll keep trying to find out more about the Mayor."   
  
"I could be wrong, but I really have a feeling he's the new Big Bad," Buffy  
said.   
  
"Well, this wouldn't be Sunnydale without at least one," Xander said. "I'm  
not worried, though. Giles will tells us how to stop him, and you'll do it."   
  
"This is just one of the reasons I keep him around," she said with a grin to  
Giles. "Isn't he sweet? Besides the fact that he's also good for the ego."   
  
"Still in the room," Xander reminded her.   
  
Buffy giggled. She'd long since found out he hated when people praised him in  
his presence. So she made a habit of doing it as much as possible. She over at   
his frowning expression and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I'm worried. You'll get  
over it," she said with a smile.  
  
Xander opened his mouth as if to argue and then gave up and shut it again. "So,  
we should go slay some demons," he suggested, standing.   
  
"Sounds like a plan to me," Buffy replied. "See you later, Giles."   
  
"Yes, be careful," Giles said. "And check in later!" he called after their  
departing forms.   
  
When they'd shut the door behind them, Giles said, "You can come out now."   
  
Joyce walked out from the hallway and smiled hesitantly. "Don't look at me  
with that disapproving look," she sighed. "If Buffy knew we were together,  
she'd have a fit. We have to work her into this slowly. Besides, while she   
is still having trouble with what happened, it's not the right time to tell her."   
  
She walked over and sat next to Giles on the couch. "Trust me," she requested, when  
she noticed the uncertainty in his expression. "She's my daughter.   
I know this is the right thing."   
  
"I hope so," Giles said with a sigh. "Either way, we're not keeping this up for  
much longer. A few more days. Then I'll tell her; if you still haven't."   
  
"Fine," Joyce shrugged. "She just needs a few more days to forget that candy  
bar fiasco. Even though it _was_ what made me realize there was more to you than  
'Rupert Giles, Buffy's Watcher.'" She smiled and leaned in for a kiss.  
"You still haven't told me why they used to call you Ripper," she grinned.   
  
"I really can't remember," Giles dodged the question.   
  
"Oh, yeah?" Joyce asked skeptically. "Let's see if I can help you remember,"  
she suggested. He raised his eyebrow at her and smiled back at her. He took off  
his glasses and pulled her close, kissing her passionately.   
  
***********   
End 4  



	5. Joyce Comes Clean

Friday Morning   
  
"'Morning," Buffy mumbled, sitting at the table with a bowl of cereal.   
  
Her mother looked at her and smiled. "Good morning. You came in late."   
  
"Big, ugly, slimy, smelly distraction," Buffy replied. "I don't still smell  
like it, do I? I took a shower when I got in and another this morning."   
  
"I'm not detecting any demon smell from you," Joyce assured her. "Um, Buffy, you  
and Xander don't have plans tonight, do you?" she asked.   
  
"Well, this _is_ the weekend before Fall Break," Buffy answered. "We didn't  
make plans, but we kind of do that on the fly. My life isn't one that allows  
planning way ahead for things. Why do you ask?"   
  
"Well, I asked Mr. Giles over for dinner and I'd like you to be here. You can  
invite Xander, of course. He _is_ your boyfriend, so he's always welcome here.  
But I'd like you to be here, whether or not he is."   
  
Buffy frowned in confusion. "Why are we asking Giles over for dinner?" she  
asked. "I mean, I like him and everything. And I'm glad you two are..." She was  
going to say 'getting along', but that brought back unwanted memories. "Anyway,  
why?" she concluded.   
  
"Oh!" Joyce looked at the clock. "I'm going to be late for work if I  
don't finish getting ready," she said, and rushed back upstairs.   
  
"That was a classic avoidance move," Buffy frowned.  
  
The knock on the kitchen door distracted her from her contemplation and she  
rose to answer it. It was Xander, and she threw her arms around his neck and  
kissed him. "Hi," she said, her arms still around his neck.   
  
"Good morning," he smiled down at her, moving his arms around her waist. "You really  
know how to make a guy's morning, by the way."   
  
"Good," she said. She released him and walked back into the kitchen. He followed  
her in, and sat at the table, waiting for her to get her things.   
  
When she returned, she said, "So, since I made your morning, would now be a good time  
to ask you to come over for dinner with me, Mom and Giles, tonight?"   
  
"I'll come," Xander replied. "But what's the deal?"  
  
"Mom just sprung it on me," Buffy shrugged. "It's probably just an   
attempt to smooth things over after the Candy Bar Psychosis.  
Well, we'll be late if we don't get going," she said.   
  
"I'm right behind you," Xander replied, following her out.   
  
*********   
7 pm   
  
Buffy opened the door and smiled, "Nice color choice," she said. Xander  
realized what she was talking about; he was wearing a blue denim long-sleeved  
shirt and khakis. The shirt, however, was the same shade as her sleeveless  
sundress.   
  
"Looks better on you," he replied with a grin. "Brings out your eyes."   
He cradled her face in his hands and kissed her gently, and then asked,   
"So has the party started?"   
  
"Giles and Mom are in the living room. Acting very odd, too," she said.   
  
"Maybe they're still trying to get over the weirdness of last week?" Xander  
offered.   
  
"Maybe," Buffy nodded. She took his hand and they walked into the living room.   
  
Giles was studying the bookshelf and Joyce was sitting on the couch. She  
looked up and smiled at the teens. "Hi, Xander," she greeted the young man.  
"I'm glad you could join us."   
  
"Thanks for inviting me, Joyce" Xander replied. He and Buffy joined Joyce on  
the couch.   
  
"Anything exciting over there?" he asked Giles.   
  
"What?" Giles turned, realizing he wasn't alone in the room. "Oh, I'm sorry;   
I drifted off," he said. He removed his glasses and cleaned them with a   
handkerchief, a nervous gesture he'd perfected over the years.   
  
"Well, I should check on dinner," Joyce said, before she made a quick exit.   
  
"Any word on the Mayor?" Buffy asked Giles.   
  
"No," Giles sighed. "What we need is information from someone who works on the  
inside."   
  
"Oh, well _that_ can be arranged," Buffy replied. "I'll see what I can do  
tomorrow."   
  
"Just be careful," Giles requested.   
  
"That goes without saying," she said. "Not like Xander would let me get away  
with less."   
  
"You got that right," Xander said with a grin. "I plan on keeping you  
around for a while."  
  
She smiled back. "You're stuck with me; don't worry about that," she said  
and kissed him.   
  
They forgot Giles' presence as they got a little carried away, but he reminded  
them with a "Bloody Hell!" They broke apart, in time to see Giles retreat to  
the kitchen.   
  
"Oops," Buffy giggled. "Well, actually; no oops," she amended. "They did quite  
enough to freak me out last week. If I can get a little revenge, I don't think  
that's a bad thing."   
  
She curled up next to Xander, pulling his arm around her shoulders and putting  
her arm around his waist. She raised her head for another kiss...  
  
They both jumped as they heard a crash from the kitchen. Buffy,   
expecting a demon attack, rushed to the kitchen.   
  
When she got there, she wished she hadn't.   
  
"AGH!" she screamed in response to seeing her Mother and Watcher kissing  
passionately. Joyce had knocked a glass from the counter to the floor,   
the cause of the noise. When Buffy had walked in and screamed, Giles muttered a   
"Bloody Hell" again, before retreating to the opposite side of the kitchen.   
  
  
Xander laughed as he walked in and figured out what had happened. He couldn't   
help himself. He stifled it when Buffy glared at him though. "Sorry, Buff. But  
you gotta see this from an outsider's point of view."   
  
"_No_ point of view will make this okay," Buffy replied. She glared at the  
two adults. Giles was avoiding Buffy's eyes. She looked at her mom and was   
surprised to see that she didn't appear apologetic. "What's going on here?" Buffy   
demanded. "Where's the candy?! I thought I destroyed it all!"   
  
"Buffy, this wasn't the way I wanted you to find out," Joyce said.   
  
"Find out?" Buffy gaped at her mother. "FIND OUT WHAT?" she screeched.   
  
"Buffy, please--" Giles turned to look at her, intent on calming her down. At  
her glare, he fell silent again.   
  
"This is SO not happening!" Buffy yelled.   
  
"Buffy, stop acting like a child!" Joyce yelled. "I'm sorry for the shock,  
but yelling and giving threatening looks is not the way to sort all of this out."   
  
"Sort it out? There's nothing to sort out," Buffy replied. "This is just not happening..." Then, to the surprise of all, she turned and ran out of the room.   
  
"Buffy!" Joyce called and started to go after her daughter.   
  
Xander stopped her. "I'll bring her back," he said. "Just give me a few minutes."   
  
Xander hadn't heard the front door close, so he walked upstairs instead. He knocked  
on the door and heard a muffled "What." He chuckled, taking that as being as  
close to an invitation as he'd get, and opened the door. He found his  
girlfriend lying face down on her bed, clutching Mr. Gordo in one arm.   
  
"Buff?"   
  
"This is insanity; you realize that, don't you?" Buffy said through her pillow.   
  
Xander smiled and sat on the bed next to her, rubbing her back. "Aw, come on.  
It's not _that_ bad..."   
  
Buffy turned her head to give him a raised eyebrow before returning her face to  
her pillow.   
  
"Buffy, Giles is a good man," Xander said.   
  
"And your point would be?" she said, looking over at him again.  
  
"I know what it's like to not have anyone you really click with, and wish for  
something better. And now that I've got that, I want everyone else to have it. Don't  
you think your Mom deserves someone like Giles?"   
  
Buffy sighed and shrugged her shoulders. She sat up, though and asked, "Why do you   
always have to do that?"   
  
"What?" Xander wondered.  
  
"Make sense," Buffy replied grudgingly. "You always do that when I'm being unreasonable."   
  
"I wouldn't say _that_..." Xander smiled. "I think I just see things  
differently. I mean it's not _my_ Mom down there with Giles--"   
  
"Don't!" Buffy silenced him with a look. "I'm almost starting to be okay with this;  
don't jeopardize it."   
  
"Fair enough," Xander replied. He moved a hand to cup her chin and kissed her softly.   
When he pulled away, he looked at her searchingly. "Better?"  
  
"Much," Buffy said with a smile. "Okay, let's get this evening over with," she  
sighed. She took Xander's hand and led him back downstairs.   
  
The two found Giles and Joyce sitting in the kitchen, talking in hushed tones.  
When Buffy and Xander walked in, they both looked at Buffy with concern. "Sorry   
for freaking out like that," she shrugged. She felt Xander's comforting  
arm around her waist and smiled. "So this is why you wanted us to  
have a cozy little family dinner, huh?" she asked her mother.   
  
"Yes," Joyce replied, nodding. "Buffy, I know that what happened with that  
cursed candy really threw you; but we're not under the influence of any curses  
now. What happened a week ago just brought out some hidden feelings--"  
  
"Okay, no details necessary," Buffy held her hands up in a gesture of  
protest. "So you two have been... seeing each other?"   
  
"That's one way to put it," Giles replied. "We wanted to tell you, but we also  
wanted to find the right way to tell you. Something that wouldn't upset you--"   
  
"Well you passed that one with flying colors," Buffy replied sarcastically. At  
Giles' hurt look, she added, "I'm sorry. This is not about me, it's about you  
two."   
  
"But it is about you," Joyce insisted. "We both care about you Buffy. The last thing   
we want is to upset you. I know Giles is your Watcher so, no matter what happens,  
you won't end up in the middle of something awkward."   
  
Buffy nodded and said, "Well, as someone pointed out to me, just now," a  
pointed look at Xander, "I _do_ want you to be happy, Mom. And you too, Giles. I  
know you've lost so much..." She trailed off and looked away; Xander's arm  
tightened around her protectively.   
  
"Not because of you," Giles replied firmly. She avoided his gaze still and he said,   
"Buffy, look at me. When she did, he added, "I mean it. I don't blame you for that."   
  
She managed a smile and said, "Thanks. I know you don't. My point is: you deserve a   
little happiness. And if you two can make each other happy, I won't get in the way of   
that."   
  
"That's very grown-up of you," Joyce said with a smile.   
  
"Well, don't expect me to deal with it so well, all the time," Buffy warned. "So,  
what's for dinner?"   
******  
  
End pt 5 


	6. Another Problem Arrives in Town

Saturday Night  
  
  
Buffy and Xander were walking home from the Bronze, when she saw him. "Spike,"  
she hissed.   
  
He had a girl pinned up against the wall of an alley and was draining her.   
  
Buffy charged at the vampire, pulling him away from the girl. He flashed his fangs  
at her and threw her against the opposite wall. She nearly lost consciousness but didn't. When she had shaken off her daze, Xander was kneeling over her. "The girl--"   
  
"She's okay," Xander replied. "Spike ran off, though. I couldn't go after  
him while you were--"   
  
"It's okay," Buffy said as she tried to sit up. Xander helped her to her feet,  
and she touched the back of her head, gingerly. "Ow."   
  
"Do you need to go to the hospital?" Xander asked, concerned.   
  
"No," she shook her head, but stopped when that made her even dizzier. "I'll  
be okay," she said, even though she did let him help her walk. "I just  
need to walk slowly. We'll have to warn Giles that Spike is still in town. I _knew_  
we shouldn't have assumed he was gone for good."  
  
************   
  
"Giles?" Buffy and Xander arrived at Giles' apartment a few minutes later. She  
saw that Giles, Willow, and Oz were doing research, and frowned, "What's up?"   
  
"The Ascension," Willow replied as if that answered Buffy's question.  
At Buffy's blank look, she said, "Oh, yeah. You two missed out on the visit by  
the demon guy with the bad fashion sense and the cryptic speech."   
  
"Whistler?" Buffy asked.   
  
"I guess," Willow shrugged. "He said 'Ascension' and we started checking on it.  
Turns out our Mayor has got big plans for Sunnydale."   
  
"Well, do we deal with _that_ now or Spike?" Buffy asked Giles. "Xander and I ran  
into him a little while ago and unfortunately he got away."   
  
"Well, as annoying and generally evil as Spike is, he's the least of our  
worries right now," Giles said. "Sit down, you two, we need to get  
you up to speed on what we've found out about the Mayor's plans for  
Graduation."   
  
"It's only October!" Buffy replied. "Do we really have to worry about this now?"   
  
"Yes," Giles said. "We need to figure out how to stop this, Buffy, and it won't be  
easy. It turns out the Mayor is a lot older than forty years of age...."   
  
"Giles, do you have any aspirin, first?" Buffy interrupted. "My head kind of met  
a brick wall, at full speed."   
  
"Oh," Giles' expression turned concerned and he rushed into the bathroom to  
get Buffy some painkillers.   
  
***********   
End six   



	7. Happy Birthday, Xander

One week later  
Saturday afternoon, 6 pm   
  
Xander returned home to change after running some errands for his mother. He  
heard a resounding crash from the kitchen and he winced. *Dad. Well, Happy  
Birthday to Me. Figures, some things never change.* he locked the door behind  
him and ran to the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway to take in the scene.   
  
What he saw didn't shock him in the least, as it was typical lately of life at  
the Harris house. LaVelle Harris was waving an empty whiskey bottle, and screaming  
at his wife. "I TOLD YOU TO BUY ME MORE!!!!" he screamed at the woman, who was  
backed up against the wall, looking scared to death. He saw Xander out of the  
corner of his eye, and turned. "Hello, Alex," he smiled at Xander, but the  
smile didn't quite reach his eyes. "Happy birthday, Boy."   
  
Xander just sighed and shook his head. "You're home," he said unnecessarily.   
  
"You always were good at stating the obvious," LaVelle replied with a snort.  
"Now, how about you go get your dad a bottle of whiskey from the store."   
  
*Well, other than the fact that I'm only eighteen today, Dad and I can't buy  
alcohol; there's also the fact that you're an asshole when you're drunk. Or  
should I say MORE of an asshole...* "Can't Dad. Not old enough," Xander  
shrugged.   
  
"Mary, go get me more whiskey," LaVelle ordered. "Alex and I need to have a  
little chat, anyway."   
  
Mary nodded and ran out, barely looking at either man on her way out.   
  
"I can't chat," Xander said. "I have plans tonight and I need to get ready." He  
turned to go back to the basement, hoping his father wouldn't stop him. He  
didn't breathe again until he reached the basement stairs, closing the door  
behind him.   
  
*Shit, he's got great timing. He's back, and that means he's either between  
jobs - oh please let him just be between jobs - or he's lost yet another job. I  
can't even think about that. He's going to be impossible to live with if that's  
the case.*   
  
Xander changed into khaki pants and a dark green shirt, Buffy having told him  
the party she was throwing for him was dress casual. "Whatever the hell that  
means," Xander sighed. He hadn't wanted a party, he'd begged and pleaded  
and tried every possible persuasive method he had, but there was no changing  
her mind. She was _having_ a birthday party for him, and that was all there was  
to it.   
  
Xander smiled, it wasn't like he minded all _that_ much, but he would have  
enjoyed the evening more just spending time with her alone. Well, maybe  
later...   
  
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU COULDN'T FIND MY BRAND?!"   
  
Xander looked up at the sound, and rushed back upstairs. His mother was huddled  
the floor in the corner of the kitchen, holding her hand to a large gash above  
her right eye. There was broken glass everywhere, and his father was standing  
over her, a liquor bottle in hand.   
  
"LEAVE HER ALONE!" Xander yelled, rushing to protect his mother. He helped the  
woman to her feet and then stood between his parents, facing his father. . "Get  
the HELL away from her!" he glared at his father, inwardly wincing. He'd never  
actually stood up to his father before. Before, he'd simply done his smart-ass  
comment routine, in order to draw his father's attention away from his mother.  
He'd never dared to raise his voice to the man. But even though he knew   
it wasn't the most brilliant thing he'd ever done, it felt good.   
  
"What the HELL are YOU doing ordering me around, Boy? What do YOU do while  
I'm gone, except EAT ALL THE FOOD AND TAKE UP SPACE? HUH????" his father roared,  
and swung at him. Luckily, the man's balance was lacking and he only  
succeeded in falling to the floor with a thud.   
  
Xander watched him with something halfway between disgust and amusement.  
"Mom, go downstairs," he said calmly. He breathed a sigh of relief when his  
mother did just that. He looked back at the man who was getting to his feet  
slowly. "You're drunk, dad. Go sleep it off." *Please don't do this. Not  
tonight.*   
  
LaVelle Harris glared at his son. "YOU USELESS KID! STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO  
DO!!!" he yelled. He broke the whiskey bottle against the wall and swung it at Xander.   
  
"Shit, dad!" Xander yelled and jumped back. He grabbed his father's arm, and  
twisted his wrist. His father dropped the bottle with a yell. *All that patrolling has paid off, in more ways than one* Xander thought grimly. He released  
his father's hand, thinking that would be the end of it.  
  
He was wrong.   
  
His father swung at him and his closed fist connected with Xander's left eye.  
Xander stumbled back, but kept his balance. He stood his ground and met his  
father's glare with a quiet gaze. "Done now?" he asked calmly.   
  
"Yer not worth't," the man slurred and turned away. Xander watched him  
stumble into the living room, collapsing on the couch. Xander sighed, putting  
his hand to his face gingerly.   
  
There was no blood on his fingers when he withdrew his hand. *Well, it could be  
worse* he thought. "Welcome home, Dad. And thanks for the birthday present,"  
he mumbled and returned to the basement.   
  
******  



	8. Change of Plans

Saturday, 8:30 pm   
  
  
Buffy had slowly worked herself into a panic when Xander hadn't showed up at  
eight. She'd called his house repeatedly but nobody had answered. After thirty  
minutes, she couldn't take any more. She'd left the others to find Xander  
herself.   
  
She arrived at the house and knocked on the door. Mary Harris answered it and  
Buffy could see she'd been crying. "Mary, is Xander here? He was supposed to--"   
  
"Oh, Buffy, I'm so sorry!" the woman cut her off and the look on her face puzzled  
Buffy even more. "He's downstairs, you'd better go on in. Watch out," she  
stopped Buffy from stepping in the broken glass just inside the doorway. "I  
dropped a ... bottle of..." The woman shrugged and wandered off into the kitchen.  
  
"Okay," Buffy said, confused. She was unable to shake the premonition that   
something bad had happened there. She walked to the door of the basement and knocked.  
  
"Who's there?" she heard Xander call.   
  
"It's me, Xan," she replied.   
  
"Yeah, Buff. Come on in."   
  
She walked downstairs but was bewildered by the fact that the lights were all off.  
There was light from the streetlights coming in through the few small windows  
along the cieling of the basement, but it was barely enough to see.   
  
"Xan?" she called.   
  
"Over here," she heard, and she homed in on the sound of his voice. He was  
sitting in a chair near his bed, not appearing to be doing anything in  
particular. As she got closer, she could see a very nasty bruise on the left   
side of his face.   
  
She winced at the look in Xander's eyes, when he spared a brief look at her.   
In one moment, she'd seen anger, pain, sadness and most of all, despair.   
She wasn't sure how to deal with his mood. Xander had always been the  
one to cheer _her_ up.   
  
She sighed and remained in front of him, willing him to look at her. He did, and  
she asked, "What's going on, Xander? I was scared half to death when you didn't  
show--"   
  
"I'm sorry," Xander interrupted her. He grabbed her hand and pulling her closer.  
"Please don't leave," he added, almost a whisper.   
  
She recognized the fear in his voice, and moved to sit on his lap, pulling his  
head against her chest. "I'm not going anywhere," she assured him, hugging him.   
He wrapped his arms around her, and they stayed like that for several minutes   
before either one spoke.   
  
He finally raised his head, and looked into her eyes, saying, "I was going to call.   
I just...." He sighed. He hadn't wanted her to find out like this, if at all.   
"Most of the time, he doesn't hit in a place where the bruises are noticeable."   
  
Buffy closed her eyes against the rage that bubbled up inside her. She'd  
suspected as much, when she'd seen his black eye. If he'd gotten into a fight with a  
demon, he would've been with them already, joking about it. Hiding out at  
home though, that meant something worse than just your run-of-the-mill demon  
encounter.   
  
"He's not always like this. It's good when he's working, driving his truck.   
When he's not working, though... he drinks alot, he loses his temper, things get broken,"  
Xander said.   
  
"Bones get broken?" Buffy asked.   
  
"Only if I can't keep out of his way," Xander replied. "But there are times I  
_need_ to get in his way, to keep mom safe. I'd rather he hit me than her.   
  
"When I got home, he and mom had already gotten into it. I distracted him and   
he calmed down. I thought it was over. I came down here to change but   
they got into it again. So I had to get between them. He got a lucky shot  
in; but once he'd gotten it out of his system, he went away and passed out.   
Just like always.   
  
"But I single-handedly ruined my own birthday party," he sighed. "I'm so sorry.  
I'm sure you had everything planned so well--"   
  
"Don't you _dare_ apologize for this," Buffy said and kissed him gently. "This  
isn't your fault, Xan. You haven't ruined anything. Come home with me. You can't  
stay here."   
  
Xander thought about it for a minute, then nodded. "He'll be out all  
night. Let me check on Mom, first. He walked half-way upstairs. "But...I'm   
not in the mood for a party."   
  
"I know," Buffy said. "I'll call Mom and have her send everyone home. You can  
sleep on the couch tonight. I know she won't mind."   
  
"Thanks," Xander said, and walked back upstairs.   
  
  
**********   
  
Buffy glanced over at Xander, who was walking with her. He hadn't said a word since  
their talk in the basement. She was worried, but didn't know how to help him.   
  
They arrived at her house but Joyce was nowhere to be seen. Buffy had planned it that   
way. She'd called earlier, telling her mother that Xander needed a place to stay for the  
night. She'd requested that her mom not ask for an explanation and Joyce had reluctantly  
agreed. She'd simply said she trusted Buffy's judgment and Buffy was glad for  
that.   
  
She looked around and saw that Joyce had also removed all of the decorations from   
the house. Which was probably also a good thing, since Xander didn't look  
like he'd notice anyway and Buffy was sure she'd have been upset if he didn't. She'd  
wanted everything to be perfect, but unfortunately things were never perfect  
for very long, in her life.   
  
She looked up at Xander and frowned. He had a blank look on his face, lost in  
his despair. *That's enough of that,* Buffy decided. She pushed him down on the   
couch. He gave her a mildly puzzled look, but nothing more.   
  
She turned his face toward her and said, "I wish I could do something to help --"   
  
"You're here, that's all I need," Xander replied, managing a smile. "I'll be okay,  
Buff." He noticed her completely unconvinced look and added, "I will. I've  
dealt with this pretty much all my life. I know it's not the most perfect of  
situations, but it's the one I'm stuck with."   
  
Buffy sighed, and said, "Well, let me get you a pillow and a blanket for the  
couch. It's not the best of all places to sleep--"   
  
"It's fine," Xander assured her.   
  
She went to the linen closet and returned, handing him a pillow and blanket.  
"So what can we do to salvage this night?" she wondered. "Oh!" She had almost  
forgotten his present. She rushed into her mother's study to find the package.  
  
She returned and handed Xander the box. "What is it?" he asked.   
  
She giggled, "Silly, that's why you open the present; to find out what's in  
it."   
  
"You didn't have to..."   
  
"Oh, don't even start!" Buffy protested as she sat next to him. "I know I didn't  
_have_ to, but I _wanted_ to. I love you, Alexander Harris, and you'd better   
get used to it."   
  
"Never," he said. He kissed her, lingeringly and then smiled as he pulled away.   
"I'll _never_ get used to the fact that I have everything I ever wanted right here,   
right now."   
  
Buffy blinked away the tears that clouded her eyes and wrapped her arms around  
Xander's neck, pulling him into another kiss. When she pulled away, he brushed the   
tears from her cheeks. She smiled and said, "Stop distracting me. Open the present,   
Xan." She watched him, hoping he'd like it. She thought he would but--   
  
"Oh, wow," Xander said and looked at her in surprise. "Buffy, this had to  
cost--"  
  
"Hush," she interrupted. "No arguing, just put it on," she urged.   
  
He pulled the black leather jacket out of the box, and slipped it on. It fit  
perfectly, Buffy was thrilled to see. Not to mention how he looked in it, "My  
turn to say 'oh wow.'" She wondered if she was drooling. "You look so..." *good?   
Sexy? Yummy? Buffy!* she giggled at the thoughts and decided to stick with: "Wow."   
  
Xander smiled and said, "You've got great taste."   
  
*Yes, I do.* She looked at him appreciatively. When she decided she'd had enough  
looking, she tackled him for another kiss. Xander gave a surprised sound,  
as she pushed him down on the couch, tangling her hands in his hair. He  
responded to the kiss eagerly, though, wrapping his arms around her waist.   
  
She pulled away after a few moments, and snuggled against him, laying her  
head on his chest. "I don't suppose you're in the mood for a movie or two?"   
  
"That sounds good. Anything to distract me from ... well, you know," Xander  
replied.   
  
Buffy lifted her head and couldn't help wincing at the nasty bruise on the   
side of his face. "Okay. And just because I'm such a good girlfriend,   
I'll let you pick the movie." She moved over to let him at the stack of movies  
she'd rented.   
  
Xander grinned and sat up. "Alien, Terminator, Die Hard..." He chuckled. "Am I   
really that easy to choose movies for?" He returned to the stack of videos. Buffy   
smiled when his eyes lit up and he turned to put the movie in the VCR.   
  
He returned to the couch and dove in to lie behind her, pulling her back against him.   
She turned her head and asked, "Which one is it?"   
  
"Patience," Xander grinned at her, kissing the tip of her nose. "I guarantee  
you'll like it."   
  
Buffy huffed at him but turned back to the television screen. The minute she  
heard the beginning sounds of the movie, the boy playing a video game, she  
turned her head back to look at him in surprise. "Princess Bride??"   
  
"I like it. It has a happy ending. I wanted to see a happy ending."   
  
Buffy turned away again so he wouldn't see the tears that sprung into her eyes  
at all that simple statement revealed about the lack of happiness in Xander's life  
for so long. She wondered how she never had noticed before and mentally berated   
herself for how she'd been much less of a friend to him than he'd been to her.   
*Well, no more of that.* She looked back at him again, and smiled, "We've got a   
happy ending right here, Xan."   
  
Xander smiled back. "Yeah, Buff. We do," he agreed before kissing her.   
She smiled at him and then turned back to the movie.  
  
Buffy woke to the realization that she had an arm around her waist. Beyond  
that, she was lying on her side, and another body was spooned up behind her.   
*Oh, yeah. I must've fallen asleep during our movie.* She twisted her head to   
look back at Xander, he was still sleeping peacefully. She caught the time on   
the clock on the other side of the room. *Seven a.m.? Oh, well. Maybe a little   
more sleep wouldn't be a bad thing.* She smiled and closed her eyes again,   
sighing happily when his arm tightened around her.  
***********  



	9. Xander's Decision

Part 9 - Xander's decision   
  
  
Monday, 10 a.m.   
  
Joyce walked downstairs to see that Buffy was up already, and almost   
out the door. "Where are you going so early?" It was Fall Break, so   
she hadn't expected to see Buffy before noon.   
  
"Xan's house," Buffy called back without stopping. Xander   
had insisted on going back home the previous day, and she hadn't had   
time to do much other than call him that night. Giles had distracted her   
with yet another evil demon plot, and she hadn't had time to get his help.   
She, Giles and Willow had handled the problem, which had ended up not being   
that difficult after all.   
  
So when she'd gotten home at midnight, she'd called him, knowing he'd   
be up still. She asked if everything was okay, and he'd promised her   
it was. So she'd slept, but not very well.   
  
This morning she needed to see for herself that things were ... if   
not normal, at least not immediately dangerous.   
  
She knocked on the door, and it was opened by Mr. Harris. She had   
never met the man, and was a little disappointed by what stood in front of   
her now. He looked normal enough, if a little sullen. He was tall, and broadshouldered,   
with dark hair and brown eyes. He was muscular, Buffy pictured him as having been a   
bully all of his life. *I hate bullies* she frowned at him.   
  
"What do you want," he grumbled, rubbing at his eyes.   
  
Buffy gathered that he was either just awakened, or hung-over. From   
what Xan had told her, it was probably the second one. "I'm here to   
see Xander," she said shortly and pushed her way inside. Not waiting, she walked to the   
door of the basement stairs and knocked. "Hey, Xan," she called.   
  
She waited and heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and the sound of   
the door being unlocked. *So that's how he knew everything would be   
okay. He knew he could hide down there.* Buffy sighed, but put on a fake smile when   
Xander opened the door for her.   
  
She saw the flash of fear/hatred in his eyes when he saw his father,   
and realized the man was still standing in the hall.   
  
"Come on in," Xander said to Buffy, not taking his eyes off LaVelle.   
  
Buffy stepped in and he closed and locked the door behind her. She   
hugged him, and he kissed the top of her head. "Just had to check up   
on me, huh?" he asked with a smile. Buffy looked up and kissed him,   
before answering, "Well, worrying about you is part of the loving you package."   
  
  
"Well, then, I guess I have to deal with it then," he winked at her.   
"Come on," he took her hand and they walked downstairs. He let go of   
her hand and started pacing, and Buffy had a bad feeling. She sat on   
the edge of the bed, and waited for him to start talking.   
  
"Don't freak, just hear me out," he said. She nodded, and he   
continued. "He lost his job, big surprise. He wants ... demands that I help   
support the family until he can find a job. Somehow I think he doesn't   
have any intention of actually doing that. But he's told me in no uncertain   
terms that I'm quitting school. He wants me to find a job immediately.   
  
"I know, I'm eighteen, and technically I could just move   
out. But I can't do that. I can't leave her alone with him, Buffy. She's not   
that strong, he'd kill her. So what I'm thinking is I do this, long enough   
to save up some money to get her away too.   
  
He stopped pacing, and shrugged, looking at her. "Um, yeah. That's   
all I've got."   
  
  
"Oh," Buffy said, shaking her head at the suddenness of it. "Are   
you sure about this, Xan? I mean, just in twenty-four hours, you've   
decided to change your entire life. Isn't that a little drastic?"   
  
"Do I _have_ any other choices?" Xander questioned her. "And I   
think I've run through the pros and cons of all those choices I do   
have pretty well. That's what Giles would have suggested if I'd   
asked for advice on what to do."   
  
Buffy sighed in resignation. "Well, I hate that you're leaving school   
because _he_ told you to."   
  
"I'll get my G.E.D. eventually," Xander replied. He sat next to her,   
and put his arm around her waist. "I'd have to, if I ever want to   
get a half-way decent job." He chuckled at her distressed expression,   
and kissed her gently. "You're much more upset about this than I am,"   
he said. "I got news for you, the only reason I really went to school   
was to be around you and Willow. School and I weren't really friends."   
  
"I know," Buffy said. "I just want you to be happy, Xan."   
  
"I am now that you're here," he replied with a smile. "I love you,   
Buffy."   
  
"I love you too, Xan," she replied.   
  
He pulled her to him and kissed her again, passionately.   
  
  
Buffy whimpered as his tongue slipped inside her mouth, and felt   
herself being pulled onto his lap. She broke the kiss and let her   
hands roam over his chest outside his shirt, hoping he'd get the hint.   
He hadn't tried to move their relationship any further, and she was   
tired to staying where they were. She'd mentioned this to Willow, and   
Willow had informed her 'That's eewww, because that's Xander you're talking   
about.' Buffy hadn't minded the reaction, it at least told her Willow was   
okay with their relationship.   
  
  
"So what put you in such an affectionate mood?" she asked, before   
moving to kiss him again.   
  
*Not that I'm complaining* She moved her lips to his earlobe, and he   
moaned.   
  
"Um..." He frowned, "What did you say?"   
  
Buffy giggled, and kissed him again on the lips.   
  
  
Xander kissed her back, and then trailed his kisses down to her   
throat, smiling as he received the same response from her that   
she'd gotten from him. He continued to nibble at her neck, and   
moved his hands away from her waist. He knew what she was doing   
with that teasing her hands were doing, he wasn't dumb. He just   
hadn't wanted to push things too fast and scare her away before.   
But now she was making it clear she wasn't going to scare.   
  
Hopefully.   
  
  
Buffy moaned as his hands squeezed her breasts gently through the   
white tank top she was wearing. *Finally, we're making progress* she   
thought and pulled him down on the bed with her.   
  



	10. Changes

Part 10   
Changes   
  
Some time later, still in the middle of a heavy makeout session, they   
were interrupted by "ALEX!!!!" from above them.   
  
"Damn it," Xander muttered, lying on his side next to Buffy. "He   
sure knows how to kill a mood." *What could have set him off this   
time?*   
  
  
"What do you think he wants?" Buffy asked. *What could have set him   
off this time?* "If we ignore him will he go away?"   
  
Xander sighed and replied, "Did that ever work with any of the   
bullies in Elementary School?"   
  
"Good point," Buffy nodded. "So what do you do now?"   
  
"I find out what's--"   
  
"ALEXANDER LAVELLE HARRIS!!!"   
  
"I'll be back," Xander said, kissing her on the tip of the nose and   
running upstairs, buttoning his shirt again. Leaving Buffy to find   
her shirt.   
  
  
Xander took a deep breath before he unlocked the door and walked into   
the kitchen. He didn't see any signs of his mother, but he found his   
father in the living room watching TV. "Yeah, Dad?"   
  
"Yer good-for-nothing mother ran out an hour ago. Go find her,"   
LaVelle said without looking over at his son.   
  
Xander looked over at the clock: it was almost noon. So they must   
have fought, and his Mom had left, not wanting to bother Xander for   
help. "Fine," he replied and went back downstairs.   
  
"Hey, Buff? I hate that I have to cut this short, but I need to go   
find Mom. They had a fight, and she took off."   
  
Buffy sat up, and said, "You need any help?""   
  
"No, I'm pretty sure I know where she is," Xander replied. He sat   
down facing her, and leaned in to kiss her again briefly.   
  
When he pulled away she could see the question in his eyes. "Don't   
start doubting anything. I have no regrets about anything when it   
comes to us." she assured him with a smile.   
  
He smiled back, half-amazed that she'd understood his worries and   
stopped them before they could really take hold. What she said next,   
he wouldn't have expected in a million years.   
  
"We'll just have to pick up where we left off later," she said,   
before leaning in to kiss him soundly. At the dazed expression on his face,   
she smiled and said, "Well, I have to go. I told Willow we'd hang out   
this afternoon, just the two of us."   
  
"Uh-huh," Xander nodded, not able to manage more than that.   
  
Buffy giggled, and ran back upstairs before they got distracted   
again.   
  
********   
That evening   
  
Buffy arrived at Giles' apartment, and knocked. Her mother answered   
the door, which didn't freak her out as much anymore. "Hey, Mom," she   
smiled and walked in.   
  
Giles, Willow, Oz, and Xander were seated in the living room. Willow,   
Oz, and Xander in chairs; Giles on the couch, her mom joined him.   
Buffy perched on the arm of Xander's chair, and Xander wrapped an arm   
around her waist. She leaned down to kiss him, and Giles cleared his throat.   
  
"Oh please!" Buffy broke off the kiss to say. "You and Mom suck   
face and cause me serious trauma, and I've been a Good Little Buffy   
and I've dealt with it. But you see me kiss Xander and you give me a   
disapproving 'ahem'?"   
  
Giles blinked. "I suppose you're right," he admitted. "I   
apologize. Anyway, Buffy, Xander was just filling us all in on his   
change in plans."   
  
"Yeah?" Buffy looked around the room. "Well, Xan, you're still   
standing, metaphorically anyway. I take it you survived the   
interrogation?"   
  
"Yeah," Xander shruggged. *Dad's taught me to think fast, in more   
ways than one.* "Oh, and news Buffy doesn't know yet. I got a job. Working   
for the city, road repairs and stuff. The pay's good, and I'll get to be   
outside all day."   
  
"Well, I guess that's good," Buffy said hesitantly. She couldn't help   
wondering how much Xander had told the others as to why he was   
leaving school. She figured Willow knew about Xander's family problems   
and had for years. But he probably hadn't told Giles and the others   
much more than he absolutely had to.   
  
"It is," Xander replied with a smile. "It's all going to be fine," he   
added.   
  
Buffy couldn't help thinking that something was going to happen soon   
to prove that opinion wrong.   
  
  
**********   



	11. Surprise

Part Eleven - Surprise   
  
Buffy was patrolling with Willow and Oz. It was shortly before   
mid-terms, but they'd all decided to take a study break to kill some   
demons. All except Xander, he was doing a job at the other end of town,   
so he wouldn't be able to help that night. "You know, we haven't seen   
Spike in two months," Buffy said.   
  
"Can we not mention his name?" Willow frowned. "I'm a fan of 'don't   
ask for trouble'."   
  
Buffy heard something behind her, and turned. The treeline behind her   
was a perfect hiding place for a demon. "Stay here guys," she said to   
the other two. "Come out come out wherever you are," she called, pulling   
a stake out of her pocket. She saw movement in nearby trees, and dove   
in after it. She saw it, whatever it was, and grabbed it by the shoulders,   
throwing it out into the clearing.   
  
  
"You again? What the hell are you doing still here?" she asked the   
blond vampire.   
  
"Being annoying?" Willow offered.   
  
"Bloody hell, what did *I* do?" Spike said looking at them innocently.   
  
"Do you *really* need a run-down of the past two hundred years?"   
Buffy replied, with a raised eyebrow.   
  
"Aw, I'm touched, Blondie. You've been studying up on the exploits of   
William the Bloody? Read anything that impressed you?" he teased.  
  
"Um...." Buffy tilted her head to the side, thinking. "No. I *am*  
thinking, though, that staking you would be overdue. I am so sending   
you to hell tonight."   
  
"Yeah, I hear you're good at that," Spike replied, grinning. At   
Buffy's stricken look, he chuckled. "Score one for me!" he said   
in triumph.   
  
Buffy recovered, shaking off the sadness and guilt that always   
accompanied thoughts of Angel and how she'd had to kill him. "I only   
regret that I won't be able to send your crazy bitch of a girlfriend   
there with you," she said, approaching Spike slowly.   
  
"Now that hit below the belt," Spike growled, angrily. "I'm going to   
make this very painful for you."   
  
"Stop talking, and start fighting," Buffy sighed. She rushed at him,   
and ducked the punch he threw. She continued forward, tackling him. She   
rolled away from him, and rose to her knees. She lifted her stake, but   
he caught her arm, pulling her down on top of him. He leaned forward   
in gameface now, trying to bite her, but she kneed him and rolled away again.   
  
She jumped to her feet about the same time that he did. He threw a   
punch, which she blocked.   
  
She then kicked him in the gut, sending him back to the ground. "You   
know, life on the Hellmouth is likely to be pretty boring after   
you're dust," she said, waiting for him to get to his feet. "No more   
Master Vamps makes Sunnydale a boring place."   
  
"I know something you don't know," Spike said in a sing-song voice,   
grinning at his own personal joke.   
  
"Yeah? What's that?" Buffy asked, but didn't wait for an answer. She   
punched at him, but he blocked the punch, and grabbed her staking   
hand, twisting the wrist. Buffy yelled as she heard the bones crack,   
and dropped the stake. She fell to her knees, holding her broken wrist.   
  
"Even if you did dust me, which you won't, this town will _not_ be   
free of Master Vampires," Spike said.   
  
He turned to block Willow's attack, backhanding her and sending her   
flying twenty feet away, to have her fall broken by a headstone. As   
her head hit it, she cried out in pain before slipping into unconsciousness.   
  
Oz was torn, but his love for Willow made him go to her first.   
  
Buffy saw Spike running away, but looked toward Willow and Oz, unsure   
what to do.   
  
"Buffy, go dust him!" Oz yelled. That was all Buffy needed to hear and  
she got up and ran after Spike.   
  
  
********   
  
She stopped in front of the Mansion, and felt vaguely irritated.   
This was Angel's place, and she'd be damned if the English demon would   
defile it. "Defile. Yay SAT's" Buffy said to herself with a giggle.   
"'Kay, be serious now. Spike dusting underway."   
  
She walked in, and saw no Spike. She did see the place had been lived   
in, very recently.   
  
There was a fire in the fireplace, and books lying around. *Books?   
Spike reads?* she wondered.   
  
She heard footsteps behind her, coming from the hallway, and she   
turned, arm raised ready to stake Spike. The stake dropped from her   
hand, however, as she saw the occupant of the house.  
  
"Angel," she gasped.   
  
****** 


	12. Moment of Weakness

Part Twelve  
Moment of Weakness   
  
There was a moment in which Angel and Buffy's eyes met, hazel to deep   
brown, and Buffy saw the anguish in Angel's face. *Is that the way   
I'm looking at him?* the thought came slowly to her. She could only   
stare at him in disbelief, though. Trying to find the words.   
  
"How long!" Buffy finally demanded angrily. "How long have you been   
back!"   
  
"I didn't want you to find out... like this," Angel said, looking at   
her sadly.   
  
"ANSWER ME, DAMN YOU!" Buffy walked over to face him. She got a grip   
on herself and stood waiting for his answer, but afraid she didn't   
really want the truth.  
  
"Since September," Angel answered softly.   
  
"What?" Buffy couldn't believe her ears. "That's ... almost three   
months."   
  
"It was better that way," Angel shrugged, looking at her stoically.   
  
His calmness sent her over the edge. "HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT!" she   
shoved him, and he stumbled against the wall, but didn't try to   
defend himself. "HOW COULD YOU GO ALL THIS TIME, LETTING ME THINK   
THAT YOU WERE STILL IN HELL??!!" She started hitting him, she   
couldn't stop. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew she was   
hysterical, she felt the tears streaming down her face, but she   
didn't care. "HOW IS THAT BETTER, ANGEL, TELL ME THAT! OR IS IT NOT   
REALLY ABOUT THINGS BEING BETTER THE OTHER WAY??? WERE YOU TRYING TO   
PUNISH ME? WERE YOU? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!" She took a   
shaky breath, and asked, more quietly, "Do you really hate me that   
much?"   
  
"What?" Angel gasped, with a horrified expression on his face. "How   
could I ever hate you?" he questioned sadly. "The girl I loved -   
love - more than anything?"  
  
"Because I sent you to hell," she whispered, and broke down sobbing.   
She clutched her arms around her waist and struggled for breath,   
trying to pull herself together. But she couldn't, she felt like her   
world was falling in around her. She looked up and saw the sadness in   
his eyes, and it was too much. She felt her legs give way, and   
grabbed at his shirt.   
  
Angel grabbed her, around the waist, and then lifted her   
effortlessly. She put her arms around his neck, and buried her face   
in his neck, still crying uncontrollably. She felt him set her on the   
couch and try to pull away, and she panicked. "No!" she refused to   
let go of him. "Don't leave me!" she pleaded.   
  
Angel looked down at her, and saw what she'd been reduced to, a   
frightened girl who'd had too much pain and suffering for one person   
to bear alone. "Ssh," he sat next to her and pulled her into his   
lap. "It's okay. I'm here now. It's all right," he tried to soothe   
her, one arm around her waist, the other hand stroking her hair   
gently.   
  
After what felt like hours, the tears began to subside. Buffy took a   
few deep breaths, and finally lifted her head from his shoulder. She   
looked into his eyes, and realized he too had been crying.   
  
"You don't hate me?" she asked, slowly.   
  
"No," Angel answered, kissing her forehead gently. He pulled away,   
and gazed into her eyes. "I could never hate you, Buffy. You had to   
choose, and I'm sorry that you were put in that position. You did the   
right thing." He brushed his hand across her cheek lightly, and the   
contact sent a feeling like an electic jolt through her body. She   
knew by the look on his face that he felt it too. Before she realized   
what was happening, he was kissing her, passionately and thoroughly.   
His hands were cradling her face, fingers threaded into her hair.   
They were both crying again, she knew it without seeing it.   
  
When she realized what she was doing, she pushed him away. She saw   
movement behind him and looked. Xander was standing in the doorway, a   
devastated look on his face. "Sorry to interupt," he said, and then   
he turned and ran outside.   
  
*****  



	13. Devastation

Part 13--Devastation   
  
"Xander!" Buffy yelled, and ran outside after him. She saw him   
running across the street, and ran after him. "Xander, stop!" she   
yelled, a sob catching in her throat. *THis is so not   
happening.* "Please!" She tripped over a fallen tree branch and fell   
to her knees. "Dammit!" she muttered, and looked up again. She got up   
and followed Xander, finally seeing him enter his house slamming the   
door behind him.   
  
********   
Xander entered the house, and his mom smiled over at him from her   
spot at the kitchen stove.   
  
"Hi, Hon--"   
  
"I'm not here," Xander interrupted.   
  
"Wha..." Mary gave him a puzzled look.   
  
"Please," Xander begged, and the tormented expression in his eyes   
broke her heart.   
  
"Fine," she nodded. "You're not here, I don't know where you are, and   
I don't know when you're going to be back."   
  
"Thanks Mom," Xander breathed a sigh of relief. "I love you."   
  
"I know you do, Xander," Mary smiled at him. "I love you too."   
  
Xander walked down to his basement room, feeling numb. He heard   
banging on the front door, and then Buffy and his mom talking at the   
door. He sat on the bed, looking at the wall but only seeing the   
scene which had played out before his eyes at the Mansion. He'd seen   
it all, the screaming, the crying, and then ... the inevitable.   
  
*I can't face her right now. I don't know what to say. This is the   
way it ends, the only thing that could ever tear us apart.* He put   
his face in his hands, and nobody saw the tears which slipped down   
his face.   
  
**********   
  
Buffy knocked on the door, and Mary answered it. By the closed-off   
look in the woman's face, Buffy knew that she would have difficulty   
getting in to see Xander.   
  
"Hi, Mary, I need to see Xander," Buffy said, trying to step inside.   
  
Mary closed the door, leaving just enough space to block the entrance   
with her body. "I'm sorry, Buffy, but he's not here."   
  
*This isn't happening. I need to talk to him. I can't lose him.* "I   
know he's here," Buffy argued. "I saw him come in."   
  
"I'm sorry, Buffy, but he's not here," Mary repeated.   
  
"I need to see him," Buffy insisted. "There's been an awful   
misunderstanding, but that's all it is. Mary, I'm begging you," she   
added, brushing away the tears which started to fall. "Help me out   
here."   
  
"I can't," Mary shook her head sadly. "I _am_ sorry, Buffy, because I   
_do_ really like you. But there aren't many ways I can protect my   
son. And if situations come up in which I can, I'll take them. I hope   
you two can work it out, but I have to respect what he wants." And   
with that, Mary shut the door in Buffy's face.   
  
Buffy sat down on the top step of the porch, not sure what her next   
move would be. *How can I explain if he won't even see me?* She put   
her face in her hands, as the tears fell silently.   



	14. Understatement

Part 14- Understatement   
  
Buffy looked up and saw Oz and Willow drive by. They stopped, having   
seen her. Willow walked up, and asked, "What are you doing sitting   
out here all by yourself? I wondered about you when Oz told me you   
ran after Spike."   
  
"I followed him," Buffy replied.   
  
Willow sat down next to her, and said, "Go on."   
  
"To the Mansion. But it wasn't Spike I saw, it was Angel."   
  
"Oh. My. Goddess. " Willow responded in shock.  
  
"And I kissed him." Buffy looked over at Willow, and was afraid of   
what her expression would be.  
  
"Oh." Willow blinked at her in surprise.   
  
"Xander saw," she added, almost a whisper, and looked away.   
  
"Oh!"  
  
Buffy looked up to see Willow's horrified expression. "God, Willow, I   
know, I don't know what happened. Xan is so pissed right now he told   
his mom not to let me in."   
  
"Wow," Willow shook her head, obviously still in shock.   
  
"What should I do, Will?" Buffy pleaded for insight from the girl who   
knew Xander so well.   
  
"If he doesn't want to see you, then maybe you should accept that for   
now?" Willow suggested. At Buffy's surprised reaction, she   
continued, "Look, I'm just saying give him a little time. He just saw   
the one thing that would probably be classified as his worst   
nightmare, and he's understandably upset. He needs to deal with it in   
his own way. And Xander's way to deal with things is usually alone   
for a little while."   
  
Buffy sighed, and shrugged. "Fine, I'll go with your instincts on   
this. You have known him longer than me. I guess I should...go back   
to Giles'," Buffy said. "He needs to know. It might be important,   
somehow."   
  
Willow watched as the girl walked away. *It MIGHT be important?   
That's what I call the understatement of the millennium.*   
  
*****   
  
Buffy had just explained her run-in with Angel to Giles. She was   
having trouble concentrating, her worry about Xander was all she   
could think about. She realized Giles had said something to her. "I'm   
sorry?" she looked up at him.   
  
"I said, are you sure it's Angel?" Giles asked gently. "I hate to   
suggest otherwise, but..."   
  
"It's him," Buffy nodded, sipping the coffee he'd given her. "It's   
something in his eyes, I can't really explain it." She chose not to   
mention, *And his touch, and his kiss* She shook those thoughts away,   
adding, "I can just tell when the soul is there. So, what do you   
think?"   
  
"I'll have to do some research," Giles said with a weary sigh,   
sitting at his table, which was now covered in large books, some   
which looked several hundred years old. "I'm not aware off-hand of   
any stories of anyone coming back from..."   
  
"You can say it," Buffy shrugged. "Hell. He was in Hell, where I sent   
him."   
  
"Where's Willow?" Giles asked then. "I could use her help with the   
research."   
  
"Probably talking to Xander," Buffy said. "He found out."   
  
"I see..." Giles nodded, but obviously didn't really. He didn't press   
the matter though, which Buffy was grateful for. "Well, if you see   
her, would you ask her to stop by?"   
  
"Yeah, I will. If I thought it would do any good, I'd stay..." Buffy   
said.   
  
"That's quite all right," Giles replied. "Go home and rest. You need   
some time to adjust to this change in events."   
  
"Thanks, Giles," Buffy said with a smile. She stood then, well, I   
guess I'll see you later," she added, and left the apartment.   



	15. Losing It

Part 15 Losing It   
  
Buffy had showered and pulled on her pajamas, a matching bugs bunny t-  
shirt and boxer shorts combination that her step-mom had bought for   
her last birthday. She was sitting in front of her dresser mirror,   
when she heard something behind her, near her open window. She moved   
her hand slowly to a drawer where she kept a spare stake.   
  
"It's just me."   
  
"You of all people know not to sneak up behind me," Buffy said,   
turning to face Angel.   
  
"Can I?"   
  
She nodded, "Come in."   
  
Angel climbed in the window, and stood just inside.   
  
"You're thin," Buffy noted. "Are you having any trouble   
finding...food?" She was fighting the urge to run into his arms   
again. She had betrayed Xander once already, and she didn't intend to   
repeat the favor. No matter how torn she was.   
  
"No, there's a butcher in town who owes me. I saved him and his   
family from a group of vampires last year. I haven't been very   
hungry, though. Hell kind of makes a guy lose his appetite."   
  
//Close your eyes.  
  
Buffy winced. "I guess it would."   
  
"I don't blame you," Angel said. "You had to do it."   
  
"Easier said than believed," Buffy shrugged. "Angel, I don't   
understand how you came back."   
  
"I don't know," Angel replied. "But when I came to, this was lying on   
the floor next to me." He pulled his right hand out of the pocket of   
his duster, and in the closed fist was the ring he had given Buffy so   
long ago.   
  
Buffy looked at it, and realized how it must have felt when he found   
the ring. The symbol of their love, the symbol of what they were to   
each other, the symbol of forever. And she'd discarded it, or at   
least that's how it probably looked to him. How much more pain would   
they cause each other before it finally became too much for one or   
both to bear anymore?  
  
"When I was well enough to walk around, I went to your house, and I   
saw you with Xander," Angel continued.  
  
Buffy saw the pain in his eyes, and looked away. Stab in the heart   
number two. "Angel, I--"   
  
"Don't apologize," he said gently. "I've been gone a long time, you   
had every right to move on with your life. I've always known he loves   
you, you deserve that."   
  
She looked back at him quickly, and saw that it was hurting him to   
say that.   
  
"But I couldn't tell you I was back," he added. "Not after I saw you   
two, and how happy you were, Buffy."  
  
"Happy?" she looked at him quizzically. "Okay, so I guess I was," she   
shrugged, and looked away again. "But that does not give you a valid   
excuse for treating us like we never mattered."   
  
"You're so wrong," Angel protested. "You are the only thing that   
mattered to me for so many years. How do you think I stayed sane in   
Hell? It was you, Buffy, only you. I wasn't trying to treat us like   
we never mattered. I was trying to let you have a good life with   
someone who loves you, and who you love too."   
  
She sighed, "I do love him," she admitted. "But I can't deny that I   
still love you too. I never stopped." She looked up at him. "So this   
is where we figure out where we go from here. I don't understand how,   
but that ring must have brought you back. I've got Giles looking into   
the likelihood of demons escaping from Hell though, just in case it   
means something."   
  
"Giles," Angel sighed, "Is he....I remember what I did."   
  
Buffy looked up at his face then, and could see the pain in his   
eyes. "Not you," she insisted. "Angelus. Giles is okay. I don't think   
he wants to see you anytime soon, but he's not going to lose it or   
anything."   
  
"What about you?" Angel asked.   
  
Buffy laughed, and she put her hand over her mouth, fighting the   
hysterics which were threatening just below the surface. When she'd   
calmed slightly, she replied, "Me? Am I losing it? Too late, already   
happened."   
  
She looked into his eyes, and they shared a look. A look that spoke   
so much more than any words they could manage. The look spoke   
of 'could have been's', 'should have been's', and 'could never be's'.   
  
Angel stepped toward her and broke the silence, "Buffy-"   
  
She held out her hand in a gesture to stop him. "Don't. This is hard   
enough as it is. I'm barely hanging on to what little bit of sanity I   
have left, and if you touched me again, it would be gone."   
  
"I'm sorry," Angel said, looking at her helplessly.   
  
"Sorry?" Buffy questioned, tearfully. "Don't you dare tell me you're   
sorry I found out. I'm not sorry I found out."   
  
They stared at each other, for neither knew how long. Obviously both   
were at a loss for what to say next. They both jumped at the knock on   
her door. "Buffy, phone," her mother   
said through the door.   
  
Buffy pulled herself together, and called, "Thanks, Mom."   
  
"Are you--"   
  
"I'm fine, Mom," she answered, waiting for the footsteps away from   
her door. She turned to answer the phone. "Hello?"   
  
  
"Buffy...it's me," Xander said.   
  
"Xander," she replied, feeling a wave of relief wash over her. "Thank   
God, I thought you'd never let me explain. I'm coming over."   
  
Silence on the other end.   
  
Buffy said, "Xander, I'm not asking, this is too important. I'm   
coming over, and we're going to talk."   
  
She hung up the phone, and realized she'd forgotten all about Angel.   
She looked over to where he'd been standing, and he was gone.   
  



	16. Hold On

Part Sixteen - Hold On   
Note: // // = Lyrics to "Hold On" by Sarah McLachlan  
  
  
*********  
//Hold on to yourself   
For this is gonna hurt like hell //  
  
"Well this should be fun," Xander said as he hung up his   
phone. "She's coming over, probably to break up with me."   
  
Willow and Oz were sitting in chairs nearby, and she said, "You don't   
know that, Xander," Willow said gently. "Just talk to her, you need   
to sort things out."   
  
Xander looked at his watch, "At one-thirty in the morning?"   
  
"You trying to tell me you could sleep right now anyway?" Willow   
countered.   
  
"Good point," Xander nodded. "You guys go ahead. I'll be fine."   
  
"Are you sure?" Willow asked, obviously worried.   
  
"Positive," Xander replied. "Go on. I appreciate the moral support,   
but this is definitely something Buffy and I need to deal with on our   
own. The only other person involved in this is Angel."   
  
"Okay, well, you know how to reach me if you need me," Willow said,   
standing. They started up the stairs, and she turned back, "Xan, I   
mean it. If you need me, just call."  
  
"Thanks, Wills," Xander nodded without looking up at her. He heard   
them go up the stairs, and then he heard Willow's voice at the front   
door, "Hi, Buffy. Xander's downstairs."   
  
//Hold on   
Hold on to yourself   
I know that only time will tell //  
  
"Thanks Will," Buffy walked down the stairs, and saw Xander sitting   
on his bed. He was leaning his arms on his knees, staring at the   
floor. "Xander?" She walked over to stand in front of him, and still   
he didn't look up. "Xan, please look at me," she begged.   
  
  
He complied, but his expression was blank, which told Buffy more than   
if he'd been openly angry or sad. This was the expression he used   
when Snyder laid into him, or after he'd been told by Willow that his   
mom had not stayed in the hospital to see if he'd live, or after his   
dad had hit him. He was hurting with an intensity that she rarely   
saw, and Buffy hated that she'd been the cause of it this time.   
  
  
  
*I never wanted to do this to you. You've been so much more than I   
deserved, and I repaid you with the worst possible pain   
imaginable.* "Don't give up on us," she begged softly, placing her   
hand on his cheek.   
  
  
Xander had to keep himself from grabbing her and pulling her into his   
arms. He wanted nothing more than to forget that the last hour hadn't   
just happened. He wanted everything to be simple again. Like it was   
just him and Buffy, and nothing else could get in the way. But he   
couldn't change things. This was the hand they'd been dealt. And like   
it or not, he had to play this out to the end, whatever that might be.  
  
//What is it in me that refuses to believe   
This isn't easier than the real thing //  
  
  
He took Buffy's hand in his, and kissed the palm gently. He looked up   
into her eyes again, "I love you so much, Buffy, I just want you to   
be happy," he said, his voice raw with the emotion of unshed tears.   
  
  
"You make me happy," Buffy said, fighting back her own tears. She   
fell to her knees in front of him, and continued, "Don't you know   
that? I know you were hurt tonight, Xan, I can't imagine the pain you   
felt seeing that. And I will spend the rest of my life trying to make   
it up to you. I need you to know I didn't know he was back. I haven't   
been cheating on you. I wouldn't, not after everything you mean to   
me."  
  
"I know," Xander replied gently, stroking her hair. "I know you,   
Buff, you're not like that. You just found out." *Yes, but if you   
hadn't seen it, would she have told you? Yes. How do you know? I just   
do. I love her, and she loves me. Is it enough though??*  
  
//My Love   
You know that you're my best friend   
You know that I'd do anything for you//  
  
  
"I'm so glad you understand," Buffy said, as the tears of relief fell   
from her eyes. *He doesn't hate me. That means there's still hope.*   
She laid her head on his knee. "I thought I'd lost you forever," she   
whispered.  
  
"Buffy, this isn't over," Xander said. He pulled her chin up to meet   
her eyes. "You need to make a decision about what happens next."   
  
Buffy saw from the expression on his face that he'd already prepared   
himself for her leaving. "I love you," she insisted. *How can he not   
believe in us?*  
  
//My love   
Let nothing stand between us   
My love for you is strong and true //  
  
"That used to be the answer," Xander replied sadly. "But it isn't.   
Not anymore." He looked away, but she saw the single tear roll down   
his face.   
  
"What do you mean?" she asked, fighting back her own tears. "It has   
to be. What else is there?"   
  
"There's reality," Xander answered, looking back at her. His face was   
calm and controlled again, but his heart was breaking into little   
pieces, slowly and painfully, with each word he spoke. "Angel's here,   
and Angel's something that has to be dealt with. You have to decide   
who you want to be with, Buffy."   
  
"I want--"   
  
"No!" Xander interrupted her. "Don't say what you think I want to   
hear," he said. "I don't want you to make a quick decision and then   
regret it for the rest of your life. As much as I love you, I   
couldn't deal with it if you chose me and then ended up hating your   
choice someday."   
  
"I want you to be honest with me and with yourself," he continued,   
fighting the urge to scream 'Stay with me! I can't live this life   
alone! If you leave me, I'll die!' He took a deep breath, and   
added, "Whatever you decide, Buffy, it's okay. I'm your friend, and I   
love you. Nothing will change that. I'll still be here when you make   
up your mind."   
  
"Xander, the choice is made already. Angel and I can't make it work,"   
Buffy said, shaking her head.   
  
"I don't want to be _second_ choice," Xander replied, almost-yelled.   
Buffy looked as if she'd been slapped in the face and he immediately   
regretted the harshness of his response. "Buff, I'm--"   
  
"It's okay," Buffy sighed in resignation. "I guess this was a   
mistake. Everything's too intense right now, and we're both going to   
end up saying things we don't mean. We'll talk about this later,   
after we've had time to settle down." She turned to go, but half-way   
up the stairs, stopped and looked back into his tormented face. "I'm   
not mad" she assured him. "I love you."   
  
"I love you too," Xander whispered.   
  
Buffy nodded and walked back upstairs.   
  
// I in heaven here or am i in hell   
At the crossroads I am standing//  
  



	17. Now What?

*********   
Part Seventeen - Now What?  
Friday 6 pm  
  
Xander made it through work and back home, relieved that his parents   
weren't home. *Maybe Dad's looking for a job* Xander chuckled at the   
wishful thinking. *Yeah, and a bunch of pigs sprouted wings today and   
flew away.*   
  
He made his way down to the basement. "Now what? Another evening of   
boredom?" he said as he flopped down on his bed. He noticed a message   
on his answering machine, so he steeled himself before checking it.   
  
"Hey Xan. It's Wills. I'm not asking, I'm telling you that Oz and I   
are going to stop by on our way over to the Bronze tonight. The   
Dingoes are playing, and you're coming. 'Kay? Bye...Oh, and Buffy's   
patrolling so it's not going to be weird or anything."   
  
Xander chuckled, he could see Willow's 'Resolve Face' as she left   
that message. "Well, I could go ... somewhere so she wouldn't be able   
to find me. Yeah, real mature, Xander. What are your plans otherwise?   
Sitting around here for another night of feeling sorry for yourself?   
Sounds like fun, but there's always the chance of family fun if you   
stick around here. What's that? Convinced? Good."   
  
Xander changed into a cleaner pair of jeans and a blue denim   
shirt. "You gotta stop talking to yourself, too. It's really starting   
to get out of control," he said to himself in the mirror.   
  
  
8 pm  
  
"Angel?" Buffy walked into the Mansion, and Angel entered from the   
hallway. "There you are," she said. "I figured I should warn you that   
Spike is in town."   
  
"Really," Angel replied. "Where's Drusilla?"   
  
"She left him," Buffy said with a shrug. "Big surprise. Mental   
stability wasn't a strong point there."   
  
"That's an understatement," Angel agreed. "So have you had any run-  
ins with him lately?"   
  
"Oh, yeah. He led me to you, actually. He's got a funny sense of   
humor that way."   
  
"That sounds like Spike," Angel nodded. "I'm sorry he did that, I   
really didn't know he was still in town, or I would have told you I   
was back. But you don't need to worry about my safety where Spike is   
concerned. He hasn't changed his fighting tactics in over one hundred   
years, I can deal with him."   
  
"Oh, yeah. I keep forgetting. You...he ... turned Spike. You know   
he'll go after you, though. After what happened with Drusilla."   
  
"I know," Angel nodded. "I'm not worried about it, and I will watch   
out for him. Thanks for letting me know." He looked at her then, and   
took in her pale face and bloodshot eyes, and asked, "Are you...how   
are you?" he asked.   
  
"I'm ..." she bit back the false 'fine' which had been on her lips.   
What was the use of lying, he would know it was a lie anyway. "I'm   
running on automatic right now. The less I think, the better."   
  
"I didn't want this pain for you, Buffy. When I saw how happy you   
were with Xander, I didn't want to screw it up. But I did, by being   
here. I wish I hadn't come back at all."   
  
  
Buffy glared at him. "Don't you _ever_ apologize for coming back from   
Hell. I am not the center of the universe, I'm just a girl who also   
happens to be the Slayer. I'm hoping that you came back because   
there's a reason you're supposed to be here, Angel. And I'm not   
talking about me, either. You always told me you hated what the demon   
used your body to do, well maybe you're here to make up for that.   
Maybe they released you from Hell to give you a chance to prove that   
you deserve it."   
  
Angel looked at her for a moment before nodding. "I hope you're   
right."   
  
  
Buffy looked around then, and said, "So now what?"   
  
He looked away, replying, "What do you mean?"   
  
She regarded him for a moment in silence. His back was to her, but   
she knew it was a self-defense measure. His feigned ignorance was for the   
same reason. "I mean, where do we go from here?" she asked. His entire   
body tensed, and she waited for a response.   
  
Xander had told her she needed to figure things out, and maybe he was   
right. She couldn't ignore Angel, that much was definitely true. The   
way she felt, confused, sad, and well, mostly confused, told her that   
much. She and Angel needed to talk things out and try to figure out   
how to live in the same town.   
  
She sighed irritatedly. Angel was continuing his impersonation of a   
statue. "Angel, look at me!" she yelled.   
  
Angel whirled around, and looked at her apologetically. "I'm--"   
  
"Don't," she interrupted him. "I swear if I hear one more sorry I'm   
going to just scream. I asked you a question."   
  
"I don't know what to say," Angel sighed, and shrugged.   
  
"Just tell me how we get through this," Buffy said. "Tell me you   
don't love me anymore, and that we can just be friends."   
  
"I....." Angel looked at her sadly, and looked away. "I can't tell   
you I don't love you, because that would be a lie."   
  
"I really wish you'd lied," Buffy said, shaking her head. "It   
would've made it easier, since I can't tell you I don't love you."  
  
Angel didn't look back at her, and she sighed, shoulders slumped. "I   
can't do this now," she mumbled, and walked back outside.  
  
********  



	18. Pathetic

Part 18 - Pathetic  
  
Buffy knew that the Dingoes were playing, so she walked to the   
Bronze. It was crowded, as usual, so it took her a full minute to   
locate where Willow was. She walked toward the table, then realized   
that it would not be a good idea to make an appearance.   
  
Too late.   
  
  
Xander turned and looked behind him, as he noticed something had   
gotten Willow's attention. He met the beautiful hazel eyes belonging   
to the girl who had ownership of his heart, and that heart was struck   
with a pain that proved it wasn't completely broken quite yet.   
  
He looked away and met Willow's sympathetic eyes. "I'm sorry, Xan. I   
really didn't think she'd be coming."   
  
"S'okay," he tried to shrug it off, willing himself not to cry. "It's   
a small town, it's gonna happen." He realized he couldn't stay there   
with her so close, and stood up. "I need fresh air."   
  
"Be--"   
  
He held up a stake he kept in the pocket of his new leather   
jacket. "All under control," he said with a smile. He made his way   
for the door on the opposite side of the building, hoping she   
wouldn't follow while also hoping that she would.   
  
  
Buffy saw the pain in his expression when their eyes met, and could   
do nothing but stare back at him. She realized at that moment she was   
in the most complicated situation she'd ever been in. She loved both   
of them, Angel and Xander. What she was going to do about it, that   
was a question she didn't know the answer to yet.  
  
She watched him stand and walk away, toward the other door. Part of   
her wanted to follow him, but the other part of her knew it wouldn't   
be fair. Not when she couldn't give him the answer he needed. She   
hoped he could wait until she found the answer, though, because she   
couldn't imagine what her life would be if he walked out of it.  
  
He stepped outside into the alley behind The Bronze, and tried to   
take a deep breath. *Yuk* He then realized that a deep breath next to   
a dumpster wasn't a good thing. He heard a growl next to him and   
staked the offending vamp before it could attack. "Can't a guy have   
any privacy?" he muttered, shaking his head.   
  
He walked down the alley to the street, and saw Buffy walk outside   
and down the street in the direction of her house. He followed at a   
safe distance, telling himself he'd call Willow and apologize later.   
He knew Buffy could take care of herself, but he also knew he'd die   
if anything ever happened to her.   
  
He followed until she reached her house, and waited until he saw her   
shut the door behind her. Then he walked back down the street to his   
own house. "You're pathetic, you know that? Still obsessed with the   
need to protect her, even if she doesn't want you anymore."  



	19. Overheard

Part 19 - Don't Leave Me  
Saturday 11 am  
  
"Hey Mom," Buffy wandered down from her room to find her mother in   
the living room. "I need to go...somewhere, but I was wondering if   
you wanted to go to the Mall or something in a little while?"   
  
Joyce looked at Buffy in confusion. "You aren't spending any time   
with Xander this weekend?"   
  
"Um," Buffy turned and walked into the kitchen on the pretense of   
getting a drink. While her back was turned, she brushed the tears   
from her eyes. "He's working," she lied. She turned back to face her   
mother, and said, "So?"   
  
"I'd love to, Honey. We'll have to be back by six, though. Giles and   
I have plans."   
  
"I know, he mentioned it," Buffy replied. "To explain why he wouldn't   
need me to check in with him. But I'm still Patrolling, so I'd have   
to be ready to go out by sundown anyway," she shrugged.   
  
"That's all you're doing tonight?" Joyce frowned. "What about Willow?"  
  
"Uh, she's ... um ... busy too?" Buffy ventured.   
  
"Buffy, I'm not taking sides here. But he's really depressed. Next   
weekend you and I will do something, I promise. Okay?"   
"Sure, Will. Just take care of Xander. I'm glad he has such a great   
friend looking out for him.   
"You sure you're okay with it?"  
"Positive. I'll call you."  
  
"Okay," Joyce looked at her searchingly. "I need to do a little work,   
but it should only take an hour."   
  
"That's all it'll take for my errands," Buffy replied. "I'll be   
back."   
  
**************  
Buffy walked down the street toward the Mansion. She wasn't sure why,   
but a nagging voice was telling her something was wrong.   
  
She walked past Angel's car, and noticed the boxes inside. She felt a   
lump in her throat. He couldn't be doing this. She walked into the   
Mansion without knocking. She saw the suitcase sitting half-packed on   
the couch, and stared at it disbelief.   
  
She looked up as Angel walked down the hallway, a stack of clothing   
in his arms. He stopped short as his eyes met hers. "Buffy, I..." he   
looked away, and sighed, moving over to the suitcase.   
  
"You're leaving?" she asked, almost a whisper. She didn't trust her   
voice, as she felt the tears threatening to fall.   
  
Angel turned away from her and looked at the fire roaring in the   
fireplace. "I was hoping to be gone already when you found out," he   
said.   
  
Buffy walked further into the room, and gripped the back of the couch   
for support. "Why?" she asked, a sob escaping her. "Why are you   
leaving me?"  
  
Angel turned to face her, and she saw the tears in his eyes. "Buffy,   
please don't. I can't do this anymore. It's killing me, and it's   
killing you."  
  
"Angel, you can't go. I NEED YOU!" Buffy pleaded, ignoring the tears   
that fell.   
  
"You don't," he whispered. "You'll be okay without--"   
  
"NO!" she cut him off. "DON'T LEAVE ME!"   
  
************   
Saturday 12 pm  
  
Xander arrived at the Mansion, the absolute last place he wanted to   
be. But he couldn't do it. He couldn't just give her up. Now, he   
wasn't sure what he wanted to accomplish being here. But he had made   
it this far, he wasn't turning back.   
  
*Maybe we could have a man-to...deadboy... chat? It'll go something   
like this: "Hey Deadboy." "Hello Xander." "I love her." "Oh, well   
that makes everything different. I won't stand in your way, then."   
  
*Or not.* Xander shook his head at his stupidity. *Dad was right,   
you're a moron.* He turned to go, when he heard her.   
  
"NO! DON'T LEAVE ME!"   
  
Xander winced. He didn't think he could hurt anymore than he already   
did, but he'd been wrong. He turned back and looked in the   
window near the front door. Buffy's back was to him, but he saw   
Angel's face.   
  
*I so did not want to identify with him right now.*   
  
Xander saw how sad Angel was, and grudgingly admitted he knew that   
expression. It was the hopeless feeling of being in love with someone   
and not knowing how to make it work. He'd seen it in the mirror too   
many times to count.*   
  
"Great, I can't even hate him now," he muttered with a sigh.   
  
"Angel, please. You can't leave me," Buffy said, and Xander noticed   
her voice was more under control. "There has to be a reason you   
stayed here all this time, instead of disappearing before I saw you.   
What was it?"   
  
"I ..." Angel looked away, and started pacing. "I should have left.   
But I couldn't. I came to Sunnydale originally to help you, with the   
Slaying. So when I came back from... a part of me wanted to stay   
here, in case you needed me - my help."   
  
"I do need you," Buffy replied. "And I'm not talking about personal   
stuff right now, I'm talking about the Ascension. I don't know if   
you've ever heard of it, but it's not something I can fight alone.   
I'm going to need all the help I can get."   
  
Xander had heard enough. Buffy wasn't willing to let Angel go. She   
was playing it from an angle of needing his help with the Ascension,   
but Xander suspected that was a front. She still loved Angel. If he'd   
doubted it before, he didn't now. He turned away from the window and   
walked back to his house. He couldn't shake the feeling that the only   
way this could end was in good-bye.  
  
************  



	20. Dilemma

Part 20 - A Dilemma  
Sunday evening  
10 pm   
  
Buffy finished patrolling, and checked in with Giles.   
  
"Hey, Giles. So did you find anything out?" she asked, walking   
inside.   
  
"About Angel? Apparently there are some rare cases of demons escaping   
from Hell," Giles replied. "I no longer think it's likely to be a   
sign of the Apocalypse, although it probably does not make your life   
any easier."   
  
"Good guess," Buffy said. "Well, I'm tired, no major demon   
activity tonight except the occasional vamp. I'll see you tomorrow at   
school."   
  
  
She started on her way home, but halfway there she made a detour.   
She'd stopped at a payphone earlier, so as not to make a fool of   
herself by showing up and getting turned away.   
  
Can I come over?   
Sure, I'll tell mom to let you in.   
  
It wasn't much, but it was something, hope. A hope that he hadn't   
given up on them, that maybe he was willing to fight for them.   
  
She arrived at the house, and Mary gave her a look but walked away   
from the door letting her in. Buffy locked it behind her, and went   
downstairs. She found Xander sitting on his bed, reading a book, and   
she smiled. "Interrupting something?"   
  
"Nothing I don't mind you interrupting," he replied with a small   
smile of his own. She sat next to him and hesitantly reached her hand   
across the bed, and Xander took it in his. That one gesture moved her   
to the point that she couldn't speak for fear of breaking down   
completely.   
  
Instead, she just closed her eyes and sat there, letting herself   
pretend for the moment that things were okay between them.   
  
When she finally trusted herself not to cry, she opened her eyes, and   
looked over at Xander.   
  
  
Xander had taken the hand she offered, feeling like he was drowning   
and she could hold him up. He couldn't do it, he couldn't say good-  
bye to this girl that had become his whole life. He needed her, and   
he knew with all certainty that losing her would kill him.   
  
He took advantage of the silence to just gaze at her. She was wearing   
a dark blue tank top and her black leather pants, obviously she'd   
been Slaying. Her hair was slightly messed up, but she looked perfect   
to him. She always did. He sighed at his own hopelessness.  
  
  
Buffy looked over at him at his sigh. He was staring at her as if he   
needed to study her every feature. "I've missed you," he said   
finally.   
  
"I've missed you too," Buffy replied. "How do we get through this?"   
she asked.   
  
"Good question," Xander replied. "I wish I knew the answer," he   
shrugged.  
  
"Xander, I can't lose you. I need you. I love you," Buffy said.   
  
"You love Angel," Xander replied and looked away. He knew the lines   
by now, and snorted at the realization that he...they... were   
becoming a broken record. He shook his head, returning to the current   
conversation. "And that's understandable, but you're refusing to face   
it."   
  
"Fine. You want me to admit that I have feelings for Angel? I do,   
okay? I never, ever lied to you about that. When we first started   
this relationship, I told you he would always have a place in my   
heart. But that's all in the past, and there's no going back. I wish   
I could make you believe that." Buffy watched him closely, wishing   
she could break through the walls he'd put up between them.   
  
"Buffy I saw you two at the Mansion yesterday," Xander said.   
  
Buffy gasped in surprise. She wondered how much he'd heard. It   
definitely hadn't been one of her strongest moments. She wondered   
what he was thinking. If he was angry, he wasn't showing it. He was   
acting...resigned. He'd seen just one more thing to make him think he   
wasn't good enough.   
  
Buffy sighed, shaking her head. "Why were you there?"   
  
"I dunno," he shrugged. "I think I wanted to...I don't know. Talk to   
him?" He rolled his eyes. "Doesn't seem as great an idea as it did   
then. I wasn't spying, I heard you before I realized you were there   
too. You were...asking him not to leave. I left, that's all I heard."   
  
Xander looked over at her, and she could see the unshed tears in his   
eyes. "I love you so much, Buffy. But I'm not interested in fighting   
a battle I'm doomed to lose. We could get past this if he didn't love   
you too, but he does. And you can say all you want that he's your   
past, but he's still here, Buffy. If he wanted you back tomorrow, can   
you honestly tell me you wouldn't go back?"   
  
"I..." Buffy trailed off.   
  
"Exactly," Xander replied.   
  
  
"I love you, Xander," she insisted, feeling like her life depended on   
him knowing that fact.   
  
Xander softened, and pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly   
and laying his chin on her head. "I know," he whispered.   
  
Buffy lost control over her emotions then, as the tears began to   
fall, sobbing silently.   
  
"Don't," Xander pleaded, cradling her face in his hands, and gazing   
into her eyes. "Don't you know you kill me when you cry?" He brushed   
the tears from her eyes.   
  
"I can't help it," she said. She stroked his cheek gently, and   
added, "For two weeks, I've been wanting, _needing_, just to feel   
your arms around me, Xan. And it feels   
so wonderful, but it isn't going to last--"   
  
He silenced her with a kiss, and Buffy was glad she was sitting   
because if she'd been standing she would have felt weak in the knees.   
Unlike their previous kisses, there was nothing gentle or soft in   
this kiss. This kiss was driven by passion, desire, and need, and   
Buffy had never felt anything so perfect in her life. She met its   
intensity, and wrapped her arms around his neck, wishing she could   
will him to stay with her.   
  
He finally ended the kiss, and when Buffy looked into his eyes there   
were tears in them as well. He leaned down to whisper in her ear, "I   
love you, Buffy Summers. No matter what happens, never doubt that."   
  
He took Buffy into his arms again, and held her. Neither said a word   
for a full ten minutes, just enjoying holding each other. Xander   
moved first, letting go, and Buffy moved away reluctantly. "I guess I   
should go?" she asked, wanting him to tell her otherwise.   
  
He nodded, and looked away.   
  
"I know you are worried about what's going to happen with us, but   
I've never doubted one thing," Buffy said. "This is right, Xander.   
It's never felt wrong." He didn't reply, and she got up and walked   
back upstairs sadly.   
  



	21. Time Off

Part 21 -Time off   
Tuesday  
  
"So, nothing's resolved?" Willow asked. She, and Buffy were sitting   
on the school's front lawn after school. It was a nice day, and   
neither really felt like going to either of their homes. Oz was out   
of town, he and the Dingoes were playing L.A. that evening.   
  
  
"No," Buffy said, shaking her head. "Visiting the dentist for a root   
canal would be more enjoyable than what I'm dealing with here, for   
the past week. Xander doesn't believe that I want him. He thinks I'm   
just saying it. He thinks he's second choice. I don't know how to   
convince him. Angel. Angel I convinced to stay, because of the   
Ascension. But he avoids me as best he can, and when I do catch up   
with him he avoids the topic of us. At this rate, I'm going to go   
crazy before anything gets resolved."   
  
"Don't say that," Willow said, patting her friend on the hand   
comfortingly. "Who do you want to be with?" she questioned.   
  
"I don't know," Buffy replied. "I love Xan, Willow. And I never have   
felt like I made the wrong decision when I decided to give us a   
chance. But he's right when he says I still love Angel. If Xan and I   
hadn't been together, I might have gone back to Angel now, no matter   
how dangerous we are together."   
  
"Does Angel know about you and Xander?" Willow asked.   
  
"Yeah," Buffy nodded. "He's been back for two months, Will."   
  
  
Willow frowned, obviously confused. "Why...."   
  
"He saw that I was with Xander," Buffy answered. "He didn't want to   
mess things up for me. In other words, he did the 'noble Angel'   
thing. 'I had every right to move on.' Etcetera, etcetera."   
  
"Do you think he still loves you?"   
  
"I know he does," Buffy said with a sad sigh. "It's not something he   
hides well, and I finally cornered him on it and he admitted it. I   
can't believe he doesn't hate me for sending to Hell, but that's just   
like him to be understanding. And, all he had to hold on to while he   
was in Hell were memories. Memories of us, and the few happy moments   
we shared before everything came crashing down. So I guess holding on   
to that love kept it alive in his heart."   
  
"And then there's Xander," she continued. "He's my best friend,   
Wills, there's something so amazing about being with someone who   
knows you so well. I don't have to try to pretend, I can just be   
myself. He loves me, even though he knows all my faults. I can't let   
that go."   
  
She looked over at Willow and shrugged, "So the moral of the story is   
I am one messed up chick," she said half-jokingly.  
  
Willow shrugged, and said, "I wish I had some really good advice, but   
I don't know what to tell you. Other than follow what your heart   
tells you?"   
  
"I'm trying," Buffy said. "It's just that my heart is really torn   
right now. I guess I'll figure it out eventually. I hope it won't be   
too late."   
  
"Well, I gotta go," Willow said. "We're on for tonight, Girl's Night   
Out, right?"  
  
"Yeah, I definitely need some time off from Slaying," Buffy said.   
Angel had offered to do Patrol himself, and she'd taken him up on the   
offer. "Meet me at Giles'. He wants to do some training this   
afternoon."   
  
Willow gave her a quick hug before heading in the direction of her   
house. Buffy then turned to go to Giles' apartment.  
  
********   
Giles' Apartment   
5 pm  
  
"Oomph," Buffy fell to the floor, her feet having been knocked out   
from under her by Giles. "Geez, Giles," she muttered, getting to her   
feet.   
  
"You're not paying attention," Giles reprimanded, laying his staff on   
a nearby table. "If you don't concentrate when you're out on patrol,   
something much worse will happen to you."   
  
"I know, but I wasn't on patrol, I was trying to hit you with a big   
stick." Buffy said. "I couldn't concentrate on hitting you with the   
stupid stick, big deal. Sue me."   
  
"Buffy--"   
  
"I'm not in the mood for your lectures, Giles," she warned, giving   
him an irritated look. "I've got a lot on my mind right now. So I'm   
sorry if I can't be Miss Perfect Slayer all the time, but I'm doing   
the best I can!!" she ended in a yell, and stomped into the kitchen   
for a bottle of water.  
  
"Yeah, that was great," she berated herself when she had calmed   
down. "He's just doing his job, and trying to get you to do yours."   
She sighed, and walked back into the living room, Giles was standing   
where she'd left him. She offered him a bottle of water, and   
said, "I'm sorry. I didn't have any right to take it out on you like   
that. I'm just really on edge lately."   
  
"I understand completely," Giles replied, taking the water from   
her. "You are handling everything remarkably, in my opinion."   
  
"Thanks," Buffy smiled at him. "Now I owe you a 'being knocked on   
your butt moment', don'tcha think?" she asked, taking her staff and   
getting into fighting stance.   
  
"You can certainly try it," Giles challenged with a smile, taking his   
staff and swinging at her.   
  
She blocked the thrust, knocking his staff to the side, and followed   
through with a thrust at his torso. He jumped back and tripped over a   
chair landing on the floor on his rear end. Buffy giggled, "And that,   
I guess will have to do for your 'being knocked on your but moment.'"  
  
"Feeling better?" Giles asked ruefully, as he got to his feet.  
  
"Much," she grinned. "Nothing like winning a sparring session to   
improve my mood."   
  
"I would hardly say you won," Giles protested. "Just because I have   
two left feet--"   
  
"Admit it Giles, she kicked your ass. Which is just the way we want   
it," Willow said. Buffy and Giles looked up at her standing in the   
doorway grinning.   
  
"And why do none of you knock anymore?!" Giles said in irritation.  
  
"Don't even pretend you mind," Buffy said with a smile. "You like us,   
admit it!"   
  
"Never!" Giles replied in mock horror, but the twinkle in his eye   
gave him away. "Well, I suppose that's good enough for today,   
Buffy...Angel's patrolling tonight, correct?"   
  
"Yeah Giles," Buffy replied. "That's okay, right?"   
  
"Yes, of course," Giles said. "I just wanted to make sure everything   
was under control for the evening. Your mother and I are going to a   
movie."   
  
"It's all taken care of," Buffy assured him. "Come on, Wills. Have   
fun, Giles," she called. She turned back, "But not too much fun,   
because that's just gross," she added.  
  
*********  



	22. Hunting

Part 22 - Hunting  
One week later  
Wednesday afternoon  
  
"So, Friday's your birthday, got any big plans for number  
eighteen?" Willow asked. She and Buffy were walking back to  
Giles' after school. Vampire activity was up for the past week so there  
would be no rest for the Slayer this weekend.   
  
"Plans?" Buffy replied. "If Giles has anything to say about it,  
I think my plans will consist of fun with Mr. Pointy."   
  
"Oh come on, Buffy, Giles knows it's your birthday. He wouldn't  
make you Patrol."   
  
"You think?" Buffy asked with a raised eyebrow. "I'll bet you  
twenty bucks that I'm on Slayer duty on Friday." They arrived   
at Giles' door, and she knocked.  
  
"Buffy," Giles answered it. "Willow. Come in," he invited.   
  
"Hey Giles," Buffy said as she and Willow walked in. "Slayer  
reporting for duty?"   
  
"Yes, well, a sweep of the cemeteries will keep you busy, I  
imagine," Giles replied. "I do hope you're not going out alone,   
though."   
  
"I'll be fine, Giles," Buffy said. "I need this right now.  
Anything to get my mind off everything else."   
  
"Do you think she's going to be all right?" Willow asked Giles  
when Buffy had left.   
  
"I think so," Giles said. "She's physically able to handle  
things on her own, I don't doubt that. I don't want her to make  
a habit out of slaying as a way to get her mind off her worries,  
though, it's not mentally healthy."  
  
***********  
8 pm  
  
Buffy had been following a male vampire for ten minutes, though  
she was beginning to tire of it now. He'd looked like a   
fledgling, and she had been hoping he'd lead her to a nest of  
vampires. So far no luck, though. He appeared to be wandering   
aimlessly, which was strange behavior for vampires.   
  
Before becoming interested in him, she'd been to five different  
cemeteries. She'd staked more vampires that she could count   
that had just risen from their graves. But that was no  
challenge. Then she'd found a crypt full of slime demons, which  
had   
been more fun to kill but quite messy.  
  
Buffy jumped as the vampire whirled around to face her. "Oh,  
guess you're not as dumb as you look after all," she said with   
a grin as she pulled out her stake. "Wanna play?"   
  
"I want to feed," he replied with a grin.  
  
"I'm sorry. The menu today doesn't include the Slayer," Buffy  
said and stepped aside as he charged her. She turned to face   
him and ducked his fist, then threw one of her own. Her fist  
connected with his face, but he kicked with his foot and knocked  
  
her feet out from under her. Buffy fell to her butt, and rolled  
aside as he reached for her. She lunged with her stake, and   
he roared in anger, but didn't vanish into a cloud of dust as he  
apparently expected. He blinked in surprise, and said, "You   
missed?" realizing the stake had gone below his heart.   
  
"No, I didn't miss," Buffy said. "I just wanted to beat you up  
more, before I staked you." she added as she jumped to her   
feet.   
  
He growled and grabbed her by the throat with one hand, lifting  
her off her feet. She kicked out with both feet, causing him   
to lose balance. They both tumbled to the ground, and scrambled  
back to their feet. She punched him in the stomach as he rose   
to his feet, then followed through with an uppercut to his chin.  
She succeeded in dazing him, and continued to punch him   
repeatedly in the face, not giving him an opportunity to go on  
the offensive.   
  
"Wha--" she squeaked in surprise as a hand landed on her  
shoulder and pulled her aside. Angel stepped into view and  
staked the vampire quickly, then turned to her.   
  
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!" Buffy yelled.   
  
"I WAS ABOUT TO ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION!" Angel yelled back.  
  
"I WAS HANDLING THINGS FINE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" Buffy spat   
back and turned to go.  
  
"WERE YOU?" Angel asked. He paused to compose himself, and  
added, more calmly, "Because from my point of view, you looked pretty   
much out of control, Buffy."   
  
She spun around to face him. "What on EARTH are you talking  
about?! I'M SLAYING! NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY, I HAVE TO FINISH  
PATROLLING!!!" Buffy yelled and turned to walk away a second  
time.   
  
"Oh no you don't," Angel said, and grabbed her by the arm,  
turning her back to face him.   
  
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Buffy said angrily and pulled her arm out of  
Angel's grasp.   
  
"I'm sorry," Angel held his hands up in an apologetic gesture.  
"Don't leave like this, Buffy. I'm not criticizing, I'm   
just worried."  
  
"I don't need your worry," Buffy replied sullenly. "And why are  
you following me around? Because I'd rather you didn't, I  
wouldn't want to get confused and stake you before I realized it  
was you."   
  
"I saw you in the cemetery an hour ago, and stopped to see if  
you needed my help."  
  
"I don't," Buffy stated.  
  
Angel just sighed, and said, "I watched you stake somewhere  
around twenty rising fledglings, without expending any effort at  
all. I've seen you on patrol with extra energy to burn off  
before, so it didn't bother me. But when you went into that  
crypt of twenty slime demons without thinking twice about it,  
that's when I began to get worried."   
  
"Why? I handled it!" Buffy protested.   
  
"Yeah, you did. But I've never seen you do anything so reckless  
before, Buffy. It was obvious you weren't just burning off   
extra energy, there was something more to it than that. Then,  
with that fledgling, Buffy, I couldn't believe what I saw. You   
stalked him for ten minutes, and then you beat him to a bloody  
mess for another ten before I stepped in. How much longer   
would you have gone on before you staked him?"   
  
"I don't get what the big is," Buffy shrugged. "He's a vampire,  
he deserved it."   
  
"I'm not denying he should have been staked," Angel said. "But  
why all the playing with him, when it was very obvious you   
could have staked him in two seconds?"   
  
"I would have staked him eventually, but someone butted in,"  
Buffy replied angrily. "And so what if I was breaking up the   
monotony of patrol by beating up a vampire before dusting him?  
Why do YOU care?"   
  
"I care because that's not _patrolling_. That's _hunting_."   
  
"Um, what's the difference?" she wondered with a frown.  
  
"The difference is that when you were _hunting_ tonight you  
reminded me of the way vampires hunt their prey," Angel replied.  
"And that is what scared me."   
  
"Oh please," she rolled her eyes. "You can't even compare the two things,"   
Buffy muttered.   
  
"Oh, can't I?" Angel replied. "I think I know the hunting habits of vampires  
quite well. I agree that slayers patrolling and vampires hunting  
*should* be two completely different things, but was that really   
the case just now? I wish you could have seen yourself following that  
fledgling around. You were playing with him, like vampires taunt  
their prey. Then you used him as a punching bag, instead of quickly   
ending it and moving on."  
  
Buffy opened her mouth to argue again, but then saw something in  
Angel's eyes that told her he was serious. She sighed. "Okay, so  
I wasn't patrolling in the best frame of mind," she admitted.  
"But I still don't think it was serious as you do."   
  
"Buffy, there's something in every slayer, something  
instinctive, that helps them do what they do. It's what keeps  
you from feeling bad for killing demons, what allows you to be part of  
and see such incredible violence. It's a part of you, but it's   
very dangerous to let that part of you take over too much. You  
have to control it, or it will take over." At Buffy's skeptical   
look, Angel added, "I need you to trust me on this one. I've  
seen it happen before."   
  
"Angel, I'm fine. You're over-reacting. Just go home, and let me  
Patrol."   
  
"Am I really overreacting? Reverse the roles, Buffy. What would  
you have thought?"  
  
Buffy stopped to consider Angel's question. She hated to admit  
it, but he had a point. She glared at him for a moment, trying  
to think of a witty comeback, then sighed. She was tired of the  
verbal sparring, anyway. "Fine," she shrugged. "I give. I guess  
I probably would have thought you'd lost control."   
  
"Alright then. That's all I was trying to say," Angel replied.  
  
"I get it. I'm sorry I worried you." Buffy said. "I'm also sorry I yelled.  
I know you're just trying to look out for me, and I do appreciate it."  
  
"I'm sorry I yelled too," Angel said. "Truce?" he asked with a   
tentative smile.  
  
Buffy smiled. "Truce. Now, I really do have to finish patrolling.  
Since you're already here...wanna help?"   
  
"Sure," Angel nodded. "Not because I don't trust you, though."   
  
"Of course not," Buffy replied. "I can always use the help,  
anyway."   
  
************  



	23. Misunderstanding

Part 23 - Misunderstanding  
  
9 pm  
  
"Am I being unfair to her?" Xander asked Willow. They were at Giles'   
house, supposedly helping him with research on the Ascension.   
  
"Unfair how?" Willow wondered.   
  
"Well," Xander thought for a moment. "We are friends. Or at least I   
claimed we were. But the minute things got tough I dropped her. I   
guess I feel bad about that."   
  
"You didn't drop her," Willow protested. "You just need time. She   
knows that, and she understands."   
  
"Maybe," Xander shrugged. "But I still feel like I'm not being a good   
friend."   
  
"You're doing the best you can," Willow said. "But I'm not trying to   
discourage you or anything. If you think you can handle being closer   
to her, I know she's not going to hate that. She misses you, Xander."   
  
"I miss her too," Xander replied. He was silent for a few moments,   
lost in thought, and Willow didn't interrupt. "Hey, Giles, would you   
mind if I--"   
  
"Yes, by all means. Go help Buffy," Giles said, not looking up from   
his book.   
  
Xander couldn't help chuckling. "Tell me I'm not that transparent,   
Wills," he requested.   
  
"No comment," Willow said with a smile.   
  
"That's what I was afraid of," Xander said, and then left the   
apartment.   
  
*************  
10:30 pm  
  
Xander found Buffy, she was arguing with Angel. That succeeded in   
improving his mood, so he watched for a few minutes. Unfortunately   
for Xander's mood, the fighting didn't last long.   
  
Buffy smiled at Angel, and Xander felt sick to his stomach. "Truce.   
Now, I really do have patrol to finish. Since you're already   
here...wanna help?"   
  
"Sure," Angel nodded. "Not because I don't trust you, though."   
  
"Of course not," Buffy replied. "I can always use the help, anyway."   
  
Xander followed them. *I'm here, so I'll just watch for a little bit,   
in case she needs me. She won't, you know. Not now that she's got   
Angel again, her original slaying partner. I wish I'd known she   
wasn't going to be alone, I really didn't need this right now. What   
if she'd actually _planned_ to slay with Angel tonight, and just   
hadn't told anyone about it?* He decided that possibility wasn't   
something he wanted to spend too much time thinking about.  
  
He watched them as they were attacked by a group of vampires. Angel   
and Buffy won the fight, without too much difficulty. When they'd   
staked the last of the vampires, a very ugly, large, scale-covered   
demon attacked them. It attacked Angel first. Angel pulled a knife   
out of his pocket, and stabbed the demon in the chest. The demon   
threw Angel aside, and he flew into a tree hard then fell to the   
ground.   
  
Buffy stared at Angel's still form for a moment in shock, then turned   
back to the demon. "Oh you're so going to pay for that. If you think   
I'm going to let you get away with hurting my...."   
  
*Boyfriend?* Xander supplied, suspecting that was the word Buffy had   
swallowed. It hurt, God it hurt to think that. But he couldn't help   
it, he wasn't interested in living in dreamland. He couldn't leave,   
either, even though the part of him still interested in preserving   
his sanity was screaming to be able to leave. No, he stood and   
watched, wondering where he'd gotten his sick obsession with self-  
torture.   
  
Buffy traded punches with the demon for a few minutes, then   
remembered her stake. She staked him in the heart, but that didn't do   
anything other than anger him further. He roared and lifted her,   
throwing her to the ground, laughing as she whimpered with pain.   
  
Xander winced, and took a step to go to her, but Angel stepped in. He   
was furious, and no longer repressing his own demon. He dove at the   
other demon, and hacked at the arm holding the axe with his knife.   
The knife made a deep gash, and the demon roared, dropping the axe.   
Angel stooped to grab the axe, then came up and swung with as much   
strength as he could muster, beheading the demon. The body fell to   
the ground, the head rolling several feet away.   
  
"Okay, that was revolting," Buffy said as she sat up slowly. Angel   
held out his hands, and helped her up. She looked at him with a small   
smile. "And can I add ouch to that?"  
  
"Are you okay?" Angel asked, his face concerned.   
  
"Am _I_ okay? A little sore, but I've definitely been worse. How   
about you? You're the one who took the headlong dive into the tree   
trunk." She realized her hands were still in his, and pulled away   
quickly. She covered the sudden movement by pretending to be   
concerned with brushing as much of the yellow demon blood off her   
black jeans and dark blue tank top as she could, while making a face.   
  
"Sorry about the mess, I didn't realize it would bleed so much,"   
Angel shrugged.   
  
"Let me ask you a question, Angel," Buffy said. "You really thought   
that chopping that demon's head off with its own axe _wouldn't_ make   
it spurt blood everywhere?"   
  
"I guess I should have said, I didn't _think_ about the fact it would   
bleed so much," Angel replied. "I was too determined to make it die."   
  
They regarded the scaly, large demon body on the ground before   
them. "What was it?"   
  
"It's a new one to me," Angel shrugged.   
  
"Well, whatever it was, it really didn't want to die," Buffy   
said. "Your stabbing it in the heart with a knife didn't work. My   
staking it in the heart didn't kill it. And before you say it, yes I   
know my move was redundant. I was trying to get my windpipe back,   
though, so I succeeded. I'm gladd the beheading worked, it was pretty   
much our last resort, since I'd used up my holy water supply with the   
vampire attack. So what do we..."   
  
They jumped back as the body burst into flames. "Huh?" Buffy looked   
around in confusion, trying to find the source of the fire.   
  
"I don't know," Angel replied. "I would guess that's what happens   
when they die."  
  
"Well, I've got a new species to talk to Giles about," Buffy   
said. "Now let's go to the cemetery across the street."   
  
Xander watched them walk away, feeling as if he'd been the one who'd   
been stabbed in the heart repeatedly. It had all looked too familiar   
to him, the way they bantered, the way they held hands, the way they   
looked at each other. It wasn't fair. Buffy and Angel could just pick   
up from where they'd left off, and he was left in the dust. At the   
same time, though, he couldn't be angry. He really did want Buffy to   
be happy, and if that meant being with Angel, he'd learn to live with   
that fact.   
  
He sighed resignedly and turned away. He started back toward his   
house, then changed his mind. He needed a change of scenery, and some   
loud music. He needed something to distract himself from the obvious   
truth that the one who Buffy needed, wasn't him.  
  
****************  



	24. Aftermath of a Misunderstanding

Part 24 - Aftermath of a Misunderstanding  
(Song Lyrics are to #1 Crush by Garbage)  
  
******  
Xander arrived at the Bronze, and had little trouble finding a  
table. It was the middle of the week, so the place was full but  
not over-crowded. He was enjoying the music, and watching the  
other kids. He watched the couples dancing, and remembered how  
it felt to be one of them. He vaguely remembered being happy,  
holding the girl his arms were made to hold. *Who would've known  
I'm a poet?*   
  
He tried not to think, concentrating on the music and drinking a  
coke when he saw her out of the corner of his eye. He was hoping  
she didn't see him, but no such luck. She walked over and stood  
next to him. *Go away. You're not here. You don't exist in my  
world.* She didn't listen.  
  
"Hello, Xander."   
  
Xander looked over at Cordelia Chase. She was wearing a red  
leather skirt, black tank top and red jacket. The kind of outfit  
that used to reduce him to drooling but now didn't even mildly  
affect him. No, to his surprise he had eyes for only one girl,  
and it wasn't Cordelia.   
  
"Cordy." He greeted her civilly.  
  
"Hey, Xander. How are you?" she asked.  
  
"Wow, a whole two sentences without a snide remark?"   
  
"I guess I deserve that, I've been a bitch lately, huh?"  
  
Xander stopped himself from saying, "LATELY????" Instead, he  
just shrugged in response. "Have you? Didn't notice."   
  
"Can I?" she asked, indicating the chair next to him, and then  
sitting anyway before he could reply. "So where's Buffy?" she  
asked.   
  
Xander's eyes narrowed, and she added quickly, "That wasn't  
intended to be a snide remark. Really, just a question."   
  
"Dunno," Xander replied. *Why is it, that when you don't want to  
think about something, everyone has to bring it up?*  
  
"Oh," Cordelia said. "So I wasn't imagining it, I did see him,  
didn't I?"   
  
"If him is Angel, then yes."   
  
"Oh. I'm sorry, Xander."   
  
Xander looked at her questioningly. "This isn't April.... Are  
there any hidden cameras around?"   
  
"I'm serious, Xander. I really am sorry you got hurt," she  
insisted. "I know it's hard to believe, because I was pretty  
awful to you when we broke up. But I was so sick of being  
second-best."   
  
Xander realized then that he knew the feeling. Cordelia hadn't  
been the girl he was really in love with; and then again, he  
wasn't the guy Buffy was really in love with. In some weird  
twist of fate, he'd ended up losing both of them. "It's okay,"  
he said. "I know now I wasn't being fair to you. I just didn't  
realize it at the time."   
  
"I know you didn't," Cordelia replied. "So does this mean we can  
be civil to each other?"   
  
"I'm willing if you are," Xander said with a smile.   
  
  
//I would die for you  
I would die for you  
I've been dying just to feel you by my side  
To know that you're mine//  
  
Xander sighed. Why he remembered these things, he'd never know,  
but the last time he'd heard this song, he'd danced with Buffy  
to it. Here. *Thanks, whatever powers out there are rubbing it  
in my face. I appreciate it.*  
  
"Well, since we're getting along, for the moment anyway, would  
you dance with me?" Cordelia asked.   
  
//I will cry for you  
I will cry for you  
I will wash away your pain with all my tears  
And drown your fear//  
  
"Sure, why not," Xander replied. *I came here to get my mind off  
Buffy, right? How better than dancing with a friend?* * Shut  
up.* he added to the inner voice that questioned his use of the  
term in reference to Cordelia.  
  
He followed her out onto the dance floor, and Cordelia slipped  
her arms around his neck. He rested his hands at her waist, and  
they began to sway to the music. For a moment, Xander wondered  
at the strangeness of his life. He was dancing with his  
ex-girlfriend, four months after she'd dumped him in what he  
could only characterize as a hissy fit.   
  
//I will pray for you  
I will pray for you  
I will sell my soul for something pure and true  
Someone like you//  
  
Cordelia was acting normal enough now, he acknowledged. And he  
didn't mind hanging out with her, especially when she wasn't  
rubbing the fact that he wasn't with Buffy in his face. His  
thoughts were cut short as she moved closer and laid her head on  
his shoulder.   
  
See your face every place that I walk in  
Hear your voice every time that I'm talking  
You will believe in me  
And I will never be ignored  
  
I will burn for you  
Feel pain for you  
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart  
And tear it apart  
  
*Who am I kidding, I can't pretend I'm not still thinking about  
Buffy. Besides, this isn't fair to Cordelia. Again* Xander  
thought. Before he had time to let that thought be processed,  
though, she was looking into his eyes. Something in the back of  
his mind screamed warning signals, but he wasn't sure he was  
right about his suspicions. Until she kissed him. And he didn't  
stop her, or pull away, not at first. It felt so nice, so  
familiar, that it caught him off guard for a moment.   
  
//I will lie for you  
Beg and steal for you  
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see  
You're just like me//  
  
He did pull away eventually, though, and said, "Cordy, I'm  
sorry. That was a mistake. I can't do this."   
  
"It's okay," she shrugged. "I got what I wanted," she said, as  
she pulled away, with a little smile.   
  
"Huh?" Xander was genuinely bewildered.   
  
//Violate all the love that I'm missing  
Throw away all the pain that I'm living  
You will believe in me  
And I can never be ignored//  
  
"Revenge," she replied, and turned and walked away.   
  
//I would die for you  
I would kill for you  
I will steal for you  
I'd do time for you  
I will wait for you  
I'd make room for you  
I'd sink ships for you  
To be close to you  
To be part of you  
Cause I believe in you  
I believe in you  
I would die for you//  
  
Xander's heart sank as he watched Cordelia walk off the dance  
floor and past Buffy, smirking at her before walking out of the  
Bronze. "Oh shit."   
  
*************  
Midnight  
  
As Xander saw the expression on Buffy's face, he knew what  
Cordelia's game had been. What he'd been too stupid to realize.  
At some point earlier that night, Buffy had walked in, and  
Cordelia had seen an opportunity to use Xander to get back at  
Buffy. As he met Buffy's eyes, he knew that Cordy had gotten her  
wish. Buffy'd been hurt by what she'd seen, and Xander hated  
seeing the pain in her eyes.   
  
She turned and walked out, and Xander ran after her. "WAIT!  
BUFFY!" he hollered after her.   
  
Buffy stopped, but didn't turn around. When she did, there were  
tears in her eyes, "Why?" she asked softly.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Buffy," Xander replied. "I don't know how that  
happened. It was a mistake. I wish I could take it back."   
  
"I don't understand," Buffy said, shaking her head. "I went back  
to Giles', and Willow said you were looking for me. So then I  
find you with Cordelia, and..."   
  
"I WAS trying to find you earlier tonight, so we could patrol  
together. But then I saw you were with Angel, so I realized you  
didn't want or need me."  
  
"So that's what this is about. You planned this?" Buffy accused,  
in her anger ignoring the statement he'd made that really needed  
to be addressed. "I kissed Angel, so now you're trying to get  
back at me by KISSING CORDELIA?!"  
  
"I WAS _NOT_ TRYING TO GET BACK AT YOU!" Xander yelled. "I  
DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE HERE, BUFFY! AND I NEVER MEANT TO KISS  
CORDELIA, IT JUST HAPPENED!"  
  
"IT JUST HAPPENED????" Buffy gave Xander an incredulous look.   
  
"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!" Xander yelled. He sighed, and said,  
quieter, "Buffy, I don't want to fight with you. Not now, not  
ever. I love you. But I hate that all we do lately is hurt each  
other. I'm really not sure how much more of this insanity I can  
take."   
  
"What's that supposed to mean?!" Buffy demanded.   
  
Xander shrugged, and ran his hand through his hair. "It means  
what it means," he said. "We've been going on like this for  
weeks, and nothing ever gets better. Maybe one of us should stop  
this before it gets any worse." Without waiting for Buffy to  
reply, he turned and walked away.   
  
Buffy slumped against the wall, knowing deep down that Xander  
was right. Something had to give, or they'd lose everything they  
had ever meant to each other.   
  
----  
  



	25. Joyce's Advice

Part 25 - Advice  
  
2 am  
  
Buffy returned to her house crying. She'd walked around for an hour   
after she and Xander had argued. She couldn't believe that things had   
deteriorated to the point where she'd assumed for even a moment the   
worst possible motive of Xander in kissing Cordelia. She knew now   
that Xander would always rather die than intentionally hurt her. She   
knew this because she felt the same way.  
  
She realized how she looked when her mother walked out. "Buffy! Are   
you okay?" she asked, concern on her face at her daughter's   
incredible sadness.  
  
  
Buffy fell into her mom's arms, and the minute she did, she couldn't   
stop the tears from coming. "Shh, it's okay," Joyce whispered,   
stroking her hair gently.   
  
"I'm sorry," Buffy said, pulling away and wiping the tears from her   
eyes. "I've had an awful couple of weeks."   
  
"Is this a coffee moment, or a hot cocoa moment?" Joyce asked with a   
smile.   
  
"Hot cocoa," Buffy smiled back, "extra marshmallows."   
  
"Well, that just goes without saying," Joyce put her arm around   
Buffy's shoulders and led her into the kitchen. Buffy sat at the   
table and watched her mom silently. Joyce looked over at her, and   
said, "I'm glad you came back in one piece, I really wish you'd call   
me if you're going to be out late."   
  
"Sorry, I lost track of time," Buffy said with a shrug.   
  
"Buffy, you've been so quiet the last couple of weeks, and I haven't   
seen Xander. Is everything okay with you two?"   
  
Buffy felt the tears spring to her eyes, and looked away.   
  
"That's it, isn't it?" Joyce asked. She set the cup of hot cocoa in   
front of Buffy and sat across from her, sipping her own cup. "You   
don't have to talk to me, but you can if you want to."   
  
"Everything's such a mess..." Buffy whispered, shaking her   
head. "Angel's back."   
  
"Angel." Joyce replied. "I see. Well, that does explain why I haven't   
seen Xander. You dumped him for Angel, didn't you?" she accused.  
  
"That's just so like you," Buffy sighed. "You expect the worst all   
the time. Why is that?"   
  
"I just know you, Buffy," Joyce replied. "I remember how you were   
when you were dating Angel. And your mood lately is beginning to make   
sense, because the way you've been acting is the exact same way you   
acted then. You were miserable then, and you're miserable now!"   
  
"You don't have a CLUE what I'm going through now, Mom!" Buffy   
responded angrily. "And, you don't have a clue as to what my life   
with Angel was like before!"   
  
"I don't know because you never really TALKED to me about him!" Joyce   
yelled. "I'm always the last to know anything important about your   
life. I didn't know he was gone until I figured it out on my own. And   
after he left you like that, I can't believe you'd even CONSIDER   
getting back together with him!"   
  
"HE DIDN'T LEAVE ME, MOTHER!" Buffy replied, slamming her cup of   
cocoa down on the table. She took a deep breath, trying to calm   
down. "I'm going to tell you what happened between me and Angel last   
summer, you're going to take a few deep breaths before you react.   
Deal?"   
  
Joyce thought for a moment, and then nodded. "Deal."   
  
"Good. Angel is vampire mom, but he was cursed with a soul, so he   
doesn't kill anymore and he hasn't for over a hundred years." Buffy'd   
said all this without looking at her mother, but looked up finally.   
Joyce was silent, appeared to be in shock, so Buffy took advantage of   
the silence to continue. "Angel lost his soul last summer, and I had   
to kill him."  
  
"He's A VAMPIRE?!" Joyce yelled in disbelief.   
  
"Don't even start in on that," Buffy warned. "I don't need your   
accusations or judgements. Did you _hear_ what I told you? I loved   
him, but I was given no choice but to kill him to keep him from   
killing everyone else I love."  
  
Joyce paused, and said, "I did hear you. And I can't imagine how   
difficult that must have been for you. I guess I understand why you   
felt like you had to keep all of this from me. But I am trying,   
Buffy. It's just not easy to be so close to all of this stuff, let   
alone know you're so much a part of it."   
  
"I get that. But it's much harder to be what I am," Buffy said   
honestly.  
  
"I believe that," Joyce nodded. "And I'm not going to judge you,   
Buffy, or yell at you. I'm sorry I did yell earlier, I reacted   
without thinking. I just can't stand seeing you so sad. Especially   
when up until a few weeks ago, you were so happy. I've never seen you   
as happy as you were with Xander, Buffy. So I guess I'm a little   
biased, but it's just because I want that for you again."  
  
"I know you're worried about me, Mom. But I need you to understand   
that I'm trying to do what's right. You think I enjoy hurting Xander?   
I don't, but I can't help that I don't have any answers right now."   
  
Joyce said. "I get it. You love them both."   
  
Buffy nodded again, sipping her hot cocoa.   
  
"I don't envy you your predicament," Joyce sighed.   
  
"I don't know what to do," Buffy said.  
  
"You really want my advice?" Joyce was surprised. "After our yelling   
match?"  
  
"It's not the first yelling match I've been part of," Buffy said. "So   
yes, if you've got advice to give, I'd love to hear it."   
  
Joyce was silent for a few moments, and said, "I am not by any means   
an expert on relationships, I don't think I need to tell you that.   
And you're in quite a difficult situation right now. I know Xander   
loves you, but Angel does too--what?!"   
  
Buffy was looking at her mother in shock.   
  
"Oh, well, I _am_ capable of saying something nice about Angel..." an   
even more shocked look from Buffy "...occasionally..." still a   
shocked look "...fine there's a first time for everything," Joyce   
smiled. "I never doubted he loved you, Buffy, I just doubted he could   
give you the kind of life you deserved, even before I knew he was a   
vampire. It seemed like it was really difficult for you two, and now   
I know why. I don't think love should be that hard, Buffy, if it's   
meant to be. But I'm not going to tell you who to choose. In the end,   
only you can decide that. In my opinion, though, when you make that   
decision, you should keep two things in mind: Who can you really make   
a life with? And who can you live without?"  
  
Buffy frowned at her, "It won't come to that," she protested.   
  
"Buffy, don't be naiive," Joyce replied as gently as possible. "When   
you decide who you want to be with, the other one will have to   
distance himself from you. As much as you tell yourself you're   
friends, it can't be the same again. Maybe someday you'll be able to   
rebuild that friendship, but it won't be right away. So when you do   
choose, be aware of what you'll be giving up."   
  
Buffy stared at the cocoa for a moment, lost in thought. "You're   
right," she nodded slowly. "I can't live in this fantasy world, where   
we're all going to be best friends, and nothing will come between us.   
Someone loses here, someone gets hurt. I just don't want to be the   
one that hurts anyone."   
  
"I know you don't," Joyce said. "But unfortunately it can't be   
avoided."   
  
"And on that note, I'm going to bed," Buffy said with a sigh of   
weariness.   
  
***********  



	26. Happy Birthday?

Part 26 - Happy Birthday?   
  
Friday 8 a.m.  
  
"Happy Birthday!" Willow said to Buffy as she walked into   
homeroom. "So, Giles told you, didn't he?"   
  
"Yeah, he told me I'm supposed to do a quick sweep of the cemeteries,   
then you guys have something planned. He was pretty vague, all he   
said was meet him at his place after patrol and he'd drive me there."   
  
Willow just smiled at her, with an 'I've got a secret' look.   
  
Buffy felt suddenly dizzy, and sat abruptly. At Willow's concerned   
look, she said, "I'm feeling a little off. I'm sure it's just a bug,   
I'll be fine."   
  
"Oh, Buffy! On your birthday?" Willow frowned. "That's just wrong."   
  
"And that surprises you why?" Buffy asked sarcastically. "Nothing   
goes the way it's supposed to anymore."  
  
************  
5 p.m.  
  
Xander returned home from work and made a few calls to make sure his   
plans were going off as he'd intended. He was still on the phone   
checking on the last item when Willow walked downstairs. "Hold on,   
Joe," he said to the man. "Hey, Wills. What's up?"   
  
"I'm making one last effort to see if you're going to come to the   
party tonight. The party that you arranged," Willow said. "Xander,   
I'm going to tell her it was your doing, she deserves to know that."   
  
"I really wish you wouldn't," Xander replied with a sigh. "I told you   
what happened with Cordy, I'm surprised you're still talking to me.   
If I was there, Buffy wouldn't have any fun."  
  
"That's just not true," Willow said with a frown. "You made a   
mistake, Goddess knows you both are guilty of that. Buffy hasn't even   
talked to me about it, though, Xander. If she was really upset with   
you, she would've done her best to make me angry with you too."   
  
"Maybe she just doesn't want to think about it on her birthday,"   
Xander suggested. "I don't want to bring her down on her birthday,   
it's better if I'm not there."   
  
"You're so wrong," Willow sighed. "She's already down, anyway. She's   
sick."   
  
"What?" Xander looked up in concern. "Hold on." He turned back to the   
phone, and finished his conversation quickly. "What d'you mean,   
sick?"   
  
"I think she's got the flu, or something," Willow shrugged. "You   
should've seen her training at the library this afternoon. It   
would've been funny if it hadn't been so deadly. First, she nearly   
got Oz with an arrow, by mistake. Then she tried to throw an axe at a   
book Giles set on its end on a table, and she almost killed Giles.   
Needless to say, Giles cut training short."   
  
"If she's that far off her game, tell me she's not patrolling by   
herself," Xander requested.  
  
"I think Giles called Angel. Buffy didn't want to, she insisted she   
could handle things by herself. But I think she proved herself to be   
wrong on that one."  
  
"Well, then, she doesn't need my help," Xander shrugged.   
  
"Xander, why doesn't it occur to you that you're exactly what Buffy   
needs?" Willow questioned.   
  
"Willow, please, if you think any of this is easy for me, you're   
crazy. I'm trying to do what I think is best. If I'm wrong, than so   
be it."   
  
"Fine, I get it. Your mind is made up," Willow sighed, and left.  
  
************  
  
Xander arrived at Giles' place, he'd been unable to stop the feeling   
that something was very wrong about Buffy being sick. He'd never   
known her to get sick, in the three years he'd known her. Maybe it   
was due to some kind of curse or something, was all he could come up   
with. He decided he'd run the idea past Giles, and at the very least   
help him do some research on the possibility.   
  
He didn't bother to knock, he'd stopped doing that months ago. He   
heard Giles on the phone, so he went to the books himself.   
  
"No, I gave her the injection, as required," Giles said. That got   
Xander's attention. He dropped the book and listened, fearing he   
wouldn't like what he heard.  
  
"She's completely powerless, after three injections, she's got less   
power than a normal mortal ... I'm not ignoring orders, if I were to   
give her one more injection, she wouldn't last more than five minutes   
against any demon. And I refuse to sign my Slayer's death warrant.   
Well, you and the rest of the Council can JUST GO TO HELL, FOR ALL I   
CARE!"   
  
Giles slammed the receiver back into place, and walked out to meet   
Xander's furious gaze. "Tell me I didn't just hear what I think I   
heard," Xander said, barely holding his emotions in check. *This is a   
mistake, I just heard wrong. Please God let me have heard wrong!*   
  
"I..." Giles looked away, looking ashamed.   
  
"SON OF A--" He dove at Giles, but Giles side-stepped him, and   
tripped him.   
  
"Xander, please, calm down and let me explain," Giles requested,   
holding out his hand to help Xander up.  
  
Xander swatted his hand away, and jumped to his feet,   
saying, "Explain WHAT?! That you poisoned your own Slayer?! HOW,   
GILES, HOW CAN YOU EXPLAIN THAT?!"   
  
"What?" Willow was standing in the doorway, looking at both in   
confusion. "I heard the yelling. Giles, tell me it's not true," she   
said softly.   
  
"I can't," Giles said with a sad sigh. "It's a rite of passage for   
all slayers--"   
  
"I can't listen to this. If Buffy dies, it's on you," Xander said,   
before running out.   
  
**********  
  
"Oh," Buffy looked in confusion at the stake which had fallen out of   
her hand. "That's not good," she said slowly.   
  
"No kidding," Angel said, as he jumped in front of her to protect her   
from the Chaos demon which lunged in her direction. "Buffy, go home!"   
he yelled, as he started to trade punches with the demon.   
  
"No," she replied stubbornly. "Fine. I'm. She frowned, and tried   
again, "I'm. Fine." She nodded as she managed to get the sentence   
straight, and watched Angel dispatch the demon with a stake to the   
heart.   
  
*Scratch that. Two Angels. Oh, I'm in big trouble. There's no place   
like home.* Buffy's legs decided they'd had enough with the standing,   
and she dropped to her knees on the ground.   
  
She heard movement behind her, and saw Spike, and several of his   
fledglings. Angel growled and dove at Spike, and they started   
wrestling on the ground, punching and snapping at each other. Buffy   
found her stake and staked the first fledgling who was stupid enough   
to pull her to her feet. She managed to stay on her feet, as five   
fledglings circled her.   
  
*You're still the slayer, even if you are sick. You can take these   
morons* she tried to convince herself. She staked one vampire, but   
then felt an arm around her neck, and another arm around her waist,   
as one of them pinned her against his body. "GET OFF ME, YOU CREEP!"   
Buffy struggled, but it was no use.   
  
Another fledgling approached her and grinned. "Slayer blood. I'm sure   
there's enough that we can share."   
  
"NOT HAPPENING, SO KEEP DREAMING!" She screamed, she kicked at the   
vampire, succeeding in knocking him to his rear. The force of the   
movement knocked the vampire behind her back as well, and she landed   
on top of him. She managed to roll off of him, and located Angel.   
Spike was still keeping him much too occupied. They were close to an   
even match, so Angel wouldn't be able to help her anytime soon.   
  
*I'm managing okay,* she thought. A hand grasped her hair, yanking   
her to her feet. She turned to stake the owner of that hand, then   
tried to count how many were left. No use, her eyesight was causing   
things to swim. There was anywhere between one and ten of them.  
  
One of them turned out be real, as he lunged at her and knocked her   
to the ground, pinning her with his body. He sunk his fangs into her   
neck, and she screamed.   
  
"BUFFY!" She heard Angel yell in horror, but apparently he wasn't   
able to come to her rescue. She tried, but couldn't fight the vamp   
off of her. Her arms and legs were so weak, it was as if all her   
slayer strength had left her.  
  
To her surprise, the vampire suddenly turned to a cloud of dust, and   
when it cleared, Buffy saw Xander. He was punching, kicking and   
staking as best he could, staying close to her. He was trying to   
protect her, she realized. One of the vampires threw him against a   
crypt nearby, then dove after him. She sat up and saw him grab   
Xander's head by the hair and slam it against the wall repeatedly.   
  
*He's gonna kill Xan,* Buffy realized in horror as she heard the   
crack of his skull. She fought the urge to lose consciousness due to   
bloodloss, and crawled toward the vampire. She managed to get to her   
feet, and plunge the stake into his back, hitting his heart. She   
dropped back to her knees as the vampire crumbled to dust, and saw   
Xander slide down the wall to fall unconscious to the ground.  
  
"Please don't die on me," she said, and crawled over to him. She laid   
her head on his chest, and heard his heartbeat, it was slow but   
steady. Then her world went black.  
  
**************  



	27. Consequences of a Betrayal

Part 27 -Consequences of Betrayal  
  
Beep. Beep. Beep.  
  
"She's going to be okay, isn't she?" Buffy heard Willow's voice   
first, after the beeping of the heart monitor had faded from her   
hearing.  
  
"I injected her with the antidote, and the doctors said the blood-  
loss wasn't too bad. So yes, she'll be fine." That was Giles.   
*Antidote? What antidote?* She thought back, and remembered the   
nightmare of her patrol. The sickening sound of Xander's skull making   
contact with the concrete wall of the crypt.  
  
"Xander?" Buffy fought her eyes open. She saw Angel, and Giles, and   
Willow. No Xander. "Where's Xander?" she asked, beginning to panic.   
*Please don't let him be dead.*  
  
"He's down the hall," Willow said, and her expression told Buffy the   
rest wasn't good.   
  
She felt the tears spring to her eyes. "Please tell me he's okay!"   
She looked to each of her visitors, but none of them would meet her   
eyes. "Take me to him!" she demanded sitting up. A little too   
quickly, as she felt a wave of dizziness. She waited it out, and it   
soon subsided.   
  
"Do you think you can walk?" Willow asked, approaching Buffy's   
bedside.   
  
"How long have I been out?"   
  
"Two hours," Willow replied.   
  
"I can walk, if you help me," Buffy said. Willow nodded, and offered   
her arm. Buffy took it gratefully, and Willow led her down the hall.   
  
"How bad is it, Will, I need to know before I go in there," Buffy   
said, as they paused outside Xander's room.  
  
Willow hesitated, looking at her then looking at the floor. "He had a   
bad blow to the head, and he hasn't woken up yet. The doctor said   
that the longer he's out, the worse it looks for him." She looked up   
at Buffy again, and added, "The doctor said that if he doesn't show   
any kind of improvement in the next ten hours, they're going to call   
it a coma."   
  
"NO!" Buffy yelled angrily, and entered the room. She stopped to take   
a shaky breath as she saw him lying there. He was hooked to an IV,   
and several other beeping machines. His head was bandaged, and Buffy   
had a flash of seeing the vampire slamming that head into the crypt   
wall.   
  
"Xander," she said, approaching his bedside. She took his hand in   
hers, and squeezed it. "I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You   
saved my life back there, Xan, I would've been sucked dry by that   
vamp. Although I don't quite understand how you knew I was in   
trouble, but you always show up when I need you. I love you so much,   
Xan, you can't check out on me now. Please wake up, I can't lose you.   
We've lost so much time already," she said as the tears began to   
fall. She climbed up on the bed next to him, and laid her head on his   
chest, calming herself by listening to his heartbeat.   
  
***************  
  
Buffy woke an hour later, and looked at Xander. No change. She   
sighed, and said, "I'll be back, Xander," before slipping outside.   
She saw Xander's parents, but ignored them, walking down the hall.   
  
She returned to her own room, where Giles and her mom were sitting.   
Buffy was surprised at the angry way her mother was looking at   
Giles. "Mom? What's wrong?"   
  
"What's wrong is _that man_" she spat the two words out, "tried to   
kill you!"   
  
"What?" Buffy looked at Giles in confusion. "What's she talking   
about, Giles?"   
  
"I didn't," Giles said, but was unable to meet her eyes. "I was   
following orders. The slayer, on her eighteenth birthday, is put   
through a test. To see if she's strong enough using her other senses   
to survive losing her powers for twenty-four hours."   
  
"Oh my God," Buffy gasped. "You did this? Get out," she said   
tearfully.   
  
"Buffy--"   
  
"GET OUT!" she screamed. "I TRUSTED YOU AND YOU BETRAYED THAT! AND IF   
YOU HADN'T PULLED THIS, LAST NIGHT WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED! XANDER   
WOULDN'T BE LYING IN THAT HOSPITAL BED FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE! NOW GET   
OUT!"   
  
She turned away, sobbing, and her mother gathered her in her arms.   
She heard him leave. "I couldn't save him," she said around the sobs   
wracking her body. "I tried, but I was too slow. And Willow said that   
the doctors are basically calling it a coma. They don't think he's   
going to wake up."   
  
"Hush, it's going to be okay," Joyce said comfortingly. "Xander's a   
fighter, Baby. He'll come back to you."   
  
Buffy took a few minutes to get herself under control, then pulled   
away. "I need you to get me discharged. I just came back here to   
change, and go back to sit with Xander."   
  
"Consider it done, I'll talk to your doctor," Joyce replied. "I'm   
sure he'll agree, since you'll just be staying here anyway."   
  
"Thanks," Buffy said. Joyce smiled at her and walked out to take care   
of checking Buffy out of the hospital.   
  
Buffy found the clothes her mother had brought for her, and put them   
on. A white tank top and black jeans. She ran a brush through her   
hair, and tied it back in a pony tail. When she walked outside, she   
noticed Angel. He had several bruises and scratches on his face. She   
was sure he'd gotten quite a battering, as had   
she.   
  
She managed a small smile, and he walked over to her. "How are you?"   
he asked.   
  
"I'll survive," she said. "You?"   
  
"Cuts and bruises, I'll heal," he shrugged. "Spike got away. When I   
saw what had happened to you, and Xander, I let down my guard and he   
disappeared."   
  
"It doesn't matter," Buffy replied. "We'll get him sooner or   
later. Thanks for protecting me."   
  
"I didn't do that great of a job," Angel protested.   
  
Buffy sighed. "Angel, you were outnumbered, even for you. It's not   
like I was any help, with my lack of slayer powers. Giles... he--"   
  
"I know," Angel said. "Willow filled me in. If it matters, he feels--  
"   
  
"I don't care how he feels," Buffy retorted angrily.   
"Xander's..." she fought for composure. "...really not good. And it's   
all Giles' fault. Xander must have found out, and he showed up to   
help me--" She lost it then, and started sobbing uncontrollably.   
  
Angel wrapped her in his arms, and tried to comfort her, stroking her   
hair. "Buffy, it's going to be okay."   
  
"How, how is it going to be okay?" Buffy sobbed against his chest.   
  
He took her by her shoulders and pulled her away slightly. "He's   
going to wake up," he said confidently.   
  
"How do you know that?" she questioned.   
  
"Because any man that's lucky enough to have your love would move   
heaven and earth to stay with you," he replied with a shrug.   
  
Buffy looked at him a moment in shock. He was taking it well, her   
crying on his shoulder over another man. She knew it must hurt him,   
and hated that. She paused to consider his words. He was right about   
her loving Xander. She'd never   
stopped. She was beginning to realize, though, how much a life   
without Xander in it wasn't even an option. "Thank you for saying   
that," she said. "I hope you're right. I need to go sit with him."   
  
"If you need anything--"   
  
"I'll let you know. Thanks, Angel."   
  
"For what?"   
  
"For being a friend," Buffy shrugged and walked down the hall to   
Xander's room.   
  
*************   



	28. Happy Tears

Part 28 - Happy Tears  
  
Sunday 8 am   
  
Buffy hadn't left Xander's side for more than ten minutes at a time,   
and then only when ordered out by the nurses. She kept watching him   
for some signs of a change. She'd talked to him until she was in   
danger of losing her voice, then had talked some more. The doctors   
had told her he was in a coma the previous day, but she refused to   
give up hope. He couldn't leave her.   
  
Xander's parents had been in and out, but they'd basically ignored   
Buffy. She wondered if they knew he'd gotten hurt trying to save her   
life. If so, they probably blamed her. That was fine, though, since   
she blamed herself too.   
  
She was leafing through a magazine, when she heard him make a sound.   
She looked over at him, his eyelids were fluttering. "Xan? Wake up,   
Xan," she begged, moving closer to sit on the bed by his   
side. "Please?" she   
brushed her fingers across his cheek lovingly. "I need you back,   
Xan."   
  
  
She could hardly believe her eyes when his opened. He blinked a few   
times before focusing on her. "Buffy?" his voice was raspy.   
  
"I'm here," she assured him, reaching for a cup of water. She put a   
hand behind his head, to help him drink. When he'd pulled away, she   
put the cup down. She looked back into his eyes, and said, "I was   
beginning to wonder if I'd ever see those amazing eyes again."   
  
Xander chuckled, "Now I know I'm dreaming. There's something amazing   
about me?"   
  
"More than one something," Buffy replied with a smile. "Your   
eyes, your laugh, your smile, your arms around me." She leaned down   
to kiss him gently, "Your lips touching mine." She felt a tear slip   
down her cheek. "You scared me, the doctors weren't sure you would   
come back."   
  
"I had something to come back to, or at least I hoped I did," Xander   
replied, looking at her pointedly.   
  
"As soon as you're really better, we are going to have a long talk,"   
Buffy said with a smile.   
  
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" Xander asked.   
  
"Good," she said, ruffling his hair gently. "Now how are you feeling?   
Any pain? Do you remember everything? No blank spots, are there?"   
  
"Let's see...." he thought for a second, trying to answer her   
questions. "Like I was hit by a truck. The only pain is the headache,   
but it's not unbearable. And I remember every moment, including the   
ones I wish I could demand a do-over for. No blank spots."   
  
"Good," Buffy replied. "Don't ever scare me like that again, though.   
I don't think I could take it."   
  
"I couldn't help it. Not after I found out what--Do you know what   
happened?" Xander asked. He didn't really want to be the one to   
reveal Giles' betrayal.   
  
"Mom found out, and she told me," Buffy said. "I guess you found   
out by accident?"   
  
"Yeah, and I saw red," Xander replied. "Then, when I saw that   
vamp, draining you..." he trailed off, and reached up to touch the   
scars on her neck. "I would've rather died than watch that happen to   
you."   
  
Buffy grabbed his hand, and said, "I owe you my life, Xan. I'll never   
forget what you did." She looked up as the doctor walked in. "Well. I   
guess I need to let them poke and prod and stick you with needles.   
I'll be back." She squeezed his hand gently, before walking out to   
the hall.   
  
Once outside, she fell to her knees, crying in relief.   
  
"Buffy?" It was Willow, she looked as if she were going to faint.   
  
"Happy tears," Buffy gasped. "He's awake."   
  
"Oh, thank the goddess," Willow sighed with relief, and ran back to   
the waiting room to tell the others.   
  
**********  



	29. Confrontation

Part 29  
  
Buffy saw Xander's parents walk into the room, and let them have a   
few moments with their son. If they were playing the doting parents,   
she wasn't going to ruin the mood. She knew it was rare enough for   
Xander to get that from them.   
  
"He wants to see you," Mary Harris appeared at the doorway.   
  
"Thanks, Mary," Buffy said with a smile as she stood. She walked in,   
and stood at Xander's bedside.   
  
"Who all's here, Buff?" Xander asked.   
  
"The usual suspects," Buffy said with a shrug. "Giles, Willow, Oz,   
Mom." She almost mentioned Angel, but thought better of it. She   
didn't want to risk upsetting him, he was still so weak.   
  
"That's all?" Xander questioned.   
  
"Yeah," Buffy lied.   
  
Xander looked at his parents for a moment before speaking. "Mom, Dad,   
give me a minute alone with Buffy."   
  
They left, and he turned back to her. "Why are you lying to me?"   
  
"What?" Buffy's heart sank.   
  
"Angel's here, isn't he?"   
  
Buffy closed her eyes against the feeling of having screwed things up   
enormously. "Yes." She looked at his angry eyes and said, "But Xan--"   
  
"No buts," Xander shook his head. "I can't believe you lied to me.   
Dad saw you, Buffy. He said you were in his arms." A single tear   
rolled down his cheek. "Please leave."   
  
"Xander--"   
  
"LEAVE!"   
  
Buffy jumped at the harsh tone of his voice, and started to argue.   
She then realized it was a bad idea to get him worked up. "Fine. I'll   
go. But you're going to hear me out sooner or later," she said and   
then turned to go.  
  
***************   



	30. Willow's Advice

Part 30  
Wednesday, 6 pm  
  
Xander was released Monday, and went back to work immediately. It was   
either that, or risk spending way too much time at home with his   
parents nearby. And that was never a good thing. His father had gone   
back to ignoring his existence, and Xander was grateful for that. His   
mother had gone back to her safe world of denial, which Xander didn't   
try to pull her out of. Hopefully, within a few more weeks he'd have   
made enough money to get an apartment, and talk her into moving out   
with him.   
  
He came home to a resounding crash from his parents' bedroom, and he   
winced. *Not in the mood for a fight* he thought with a sigh of   
exhaustion. He noticed a note on the dining room table, though, which   
let him know that his mother was out shopping. "Okay, so Dad's   
redecorating?" Xander shrugged, but decided to stay out of it.   
  
He wandered downstairs to his room, and flopped down on the bed   
tiredly. He'd been almost completely unable to pay attention today   
during the job. And when his job was directing traffic so the rest of   
the road construction crew could do their jobs in safety, paying   
attention was a necessity. He'd somehow managed to narrowly avoid   
getting fired, through a combination of begging and pleading.   
  
And the subject of his inability to concentrate, was, who else?   
Buffy. She'd called every hour for two days, and left messages for   
him with the answering machine and his parents. He had avoided her   
quite successfully, though he knew he couldn't do so forever.   
  
It wasn't as if he hadn't thought of her, constantly, since he'd   
thrown her out of his hospital room. He just couldn't do it anymore.   
He'd tried absolutely everything he could think of. He'd tried to   
avoid her, give her time. He'd tried to ignore the last few months,   
and go back to being her friend. But something inside him had snapped   
when his father, of all people, had told him about seeing her in   
Angel's arms. At the hospital. When he was unconscious and fighting   
for his life.  
  
So he'd decided it was time to do what she wasn't willing to do: put   
a halt to all the insanity himself. It was becoming painfully obvious   
that she wanted to be with Angel, even if she didn't want to admit   
it. So he'd helped her make that decision easier, by taking himself   
out of the equation.  
  
"She'll be happy. I want her to be happy," he said out loud.   
  
"You did a really good job of that," he heard Willow's angry voice.   
  
He shot up to a sitting position, and frowned at her. "Wills, how did   
you-- When did you. Where's Oz?"   
  
"You won't get any saving from him, he's at the Bronze rehearsing for   
tonight," Willow replied. "And don't change the subject, Alexander   
LaVelle Harris," she added, pointing a finger at him on each word.  
  
"There was a subject?" Xander replied in confusion.   
  
"Yes, there was a subject!" Willow yelled. "Namely, Buffy cried her   
eyes out for two days, waiting for you to wake up, and then you were   
so angry she's spent the last two days crying her eyes out because   
she thinks you'll never forgive her for a silly mistake!"   
  
"Huh?" was all Xander's confused brain could come up with, in   
response. "I've had a long day, Wills, and you're just not making a   
lot of sense right now to me."   
  
"When are you going to stop being such an idiot?!" Willow replied.   
When Xander continued to look at her questioningly, she   
continued. "Xander, Buffy _didn't_ tell you Angel was at the   
hospital, and that was a mistake. But there wasn't any deep, dark,   
motive behind it. She just didn't want to upset you, after you'd had   
MAJOR BRAIN TRAUMA!"  
  
"She lied-"   
  
"Lied? LIED?!" Willow cut him off, stomping her foot. She took a deep   
breath, trying to calm herself, and rolled her eyes. "Because you've   
been completely perfect the last three months in your relationship.   
You've _never_ made any mistakes, you've _never_ lied to her because   
you were trying to protect her." Willow crossed her arms and looked   
at Xander skeptically.   
  
"It's different."   
  
"Different how?!" Willow demanded.   
  
"I loved - love - her, Wills, I'd do anything for her," Xander   
replied with a sigh, looking at the floor.  
  
"Xander, Buffy loves you too," Willow said. Xander shook his head,   
and she added, "Don't even try arguing with me, Xander Harris. If   
you'd give her half a second, she could tell you that herself. But   
you won't answer the phone, you won't return your messages. You've   
got that mother of yours playing gatekeeper, and refusing to let   
Buffy past the front porch. If you love her so much, why doesn't she   
deserve the time of day?"   
  
"That's not fair," Xander protested, looking up at Willow then. "I'm   
not trying to hurt her, Willow."   
  
"And she wasn't trying to hurt you," Willow replied softly, walking   
over to sit next to him. "Why can't you believe that? Why can't you   
let her back in?"   
  
"You're not going away, are you," Xander said with a sigh.   
  
"And what kind of friend would I be if I did that?" Willow replied   
with a smile. "Talk to me, Xander. What's going on?"  
  
"I'm afraid," Xander admitted softly. "What if you're right? What if   
we get back together? How long will it last? I can't do it, Wills. I   
can't lose her again. It'll kill me."   
  
"Why do you always do that?"  
  
"Do what?"   
  
"You always expect the worst, so you try to prepare yourself for it   
to the point that you almost make it happen," Willow replied with a   
shake of her head. "Why?"   
  
"Life experience," Xander replied wryly.   
  
"All the more reason for you NOT to give up on this," Willow   
replied. "You two have something amazing-"  
  
"Had."  
  
"Have," Willow repeated. "And you owe it to yourself, to both of you,   
to just talk to her. What do you really have to lose? Because your   
other option is to keep doing what you're doing now. You keep pushing   
her away, and you just might push her into Angel's arms. Is that   
really what you want?"  
  
"No," he replied, looking at her sadly. "But I can't stop that from   
happening, no matter what I do."  
  
"Xander, you DON'T KNOW THAT!" Willow yelled in aggravation. "Look,   
would you please just think about what I've said?" she   
requested. "Have I ever given you bad advice before?"   
  
"Can I plead the fifth on that?" Xander replied with a grin, followed   
by "Ow!" as Willow hit him on the arm.   
  
"You know I'm right," Willow said. She ignored his raised eyebrow,   
and stood. "Whether you want to admit it or not, I'm always right   
when it comes to you."   
  
"Maybe," Xander shrugged, and Willow sighed.   
  
"Okay, so I guess that's the best I can hope for right now. I gotta   
go, are you going to come to the Bronze?"   
  
"Not tonight, I'll catch the Dingoes next time," Xander said. "It's   
been a long week."   
  
"Okay, I'll see ya later," Willow said and turned to go.   
  
"Hey Wills?"   
  
Willow turned at the stairway. "Yeah?"   
  
"Thanks. You always help," Xander said with a smile.   
  
"That's what friends are for," Willow replied with a grin before she   
left.  
  
  
************  



	31. Resolution

Part 31  
  
"Angel?" Buffy walked into the mansion, and looked around. She hadn't   
spoken to him since the day in the hospital. She'd been too obsessed   
with trying to get through to Xander, not that she'd had much success   
with that.   
  
She wasn't sure how, or why, but things were clear for her now. She   
knew what she wanted, and just hoped it wasn't too late.   
  
"Hi," Angel said, walking out from another room. "I thought I heard   
your voice. What's up?"   
  
"I need to talk to you," Buffy said.   
  
"Have a seat?" Angel offered.   
  
"No," Buffy shook her head. "I just - I just need to say this."   
  
"Okay," Angel shrugged and perched on the arm of the couch and waited   
for her to continue.   
  
Buffy frowned, not knowing where to start.   
  
"Whatever it is, just say it," Angel said. He smiled, "I'm a big boy,   
I can take it."   
  
Buffy couldn't help laughing at that. "It was that obvious?"   
  
"Well, I know you well enough to be able to tell when you're   
nervous," Angel replied.   
  
"This isn't easy," Buffy said. "But I think we've both kind of   
ignored the issue of us for long enough. At least we've ignored   
talking about it, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it."   
She paused, and tried to analyze Angel's expression, but he was   
giving her the stoic look. No help there. She decided to just say it,   
as he'd suggested earlier.   
  
"There was a time when you were my life, Angel. I really thought we   
could make it work. But fate proved me wrong. And when I had to kill   
you, I wouldn't have been able to make it without my friends. I think   
I tried to convince myself and you, when you came back, that it   
meant we were supposed to try to make it work. But I guess at some   
point I also realized that there wasn't any way _for_ us to make this   
work. I think any hopes for us making it died along with Jenny   
Calendar."  
  
"I agree with you," Angel replied, with a resigned expression on his   
face. "But even if that weren't the case, I have the feeling you want   
something different now anyway."   
  
"I hate this, Angel. I don't want to hurt you, I do care about you so   
much--"  
  
"I know you do, Buffy," Angel said with a sad smile. "Don't worry   
about me, though, I'll be fine."  
  
"You know, you're not acting really surprised about this," Buffy   
said, "Why is that?"   
  
"I saw you two together, before you knew I was back, remember," Angel   
replied with a shrug. "It was obvious that you love him, and he loves   
you."  
  
Buffy looked at him a moment, in shocked silence that Angel was   
taking the situation so well. *I don't know what I expected, anyway.   
He's just trying to do the right thing. But it can't be easy.* "Thank   
you," she finally said.   
  
"For what?"   
  
"For not making this harder than it already is," Buffy replied.   
  
"Don't thank me, Buffy, just be happy," Angel said. "It's all I   
really want for you."  
  
"I'm working on it," Buffy said with a shrug. "I should go."   
  
Angel nodded, and she turned to leave. She turned back at the door,   
to see him still perched on the arm of the couch. "Angel? You're   
not .... going anywhere, are you?" she asked, walking back inside, a   
worried expression on her face.  
  
"I told you I'd stay to help you with the Ascension," he reminded her   
with a smile. "That hasn't changed."   
  
Buffy breathed a sigh of relief. "Good," she said. "I was hoping   
you'd say that."   
  
"I'd like to think we're friends, Buffy," Angel said. "I'll always be   
around to help you if you need it."   
  
Buffy smiled, "We are friends," she said. "And I' don't think I'll   
ever not need your help, Angel."   
  
She turned to go again, but stopped in the doorway. She turned around   
again, and regarded him silently. She walked over to him, and wrapped   
her arms around his neck, resting her cheek against his. Angel took   
only a minute to recover from the surprise, putting his arms around   
her waist. "I'll only remember the good memories, Angel. Always," she   
said softly.   
  
Angel sighed, and said, "Me too, Buffy."   
  
He felt her nod and pull away, and he released her. He knew she   
didn't want him to see, but he did see the tears in her eyes as she   
turned away again and left the mansion. She never saw as he sat there   
for a while, finally letting the tears fall as well.  
  
*********************  
  



	32. Too Late?

Part 32  
Too Late?  
  
7 pm  
  
Buffy walked around her neighborhood for an hour. She didn't  
regret saying goodbye to Angel, but she needed to gather her  
thoughts for what she was going to do next: talk to Xander. She  
knew it wouldn't be easy to get through to him, but she had no  
intention of giving up. She knew he still cared about her, he  
wouldn't have almost died for her if he didn't. What she had to  
convince him of was that she felt the same way.   
  
She finally found herself at the front door of the Harris house  
and knocked. Mary answered the door, and Buffy let out an  
unconscious sigh of frustration. "Is Xan-"  
  
"No."  
  
"Mary, I need to talk to him-"   
  
"NO!" Mary started to close the door, but Buffy blocked it with  
her foot. "Don't make this more difficult than it has to be  
Buffy," Mary added, still trying to move the door.  
  
"It's fine." Buffy heard Xander say from behind his mother. Mary  
looked behind her, then shrugged slightly.   
  
"Okay, Baby," she said. She then gave Buffy a glare, before  
turning and walking away.   
  
Xander was at the door then, and Buffy fought the urge to start  
crying at the sadness she saw in his eyes. She'd done that, she  
knew. It seemed like she hadn't been able to do anything right  
for weeks.   
  
"Come downstairs," Xander said before turning and walking back  
to his room. Buffy followed him down the stairs, silently.   
  
He turned and faced her when they'd reached the bottom of the  
stairs. "Well?" he said, and he winced internally at the anger  
that came out in his voice.   
  
Buffy heard it, and it cut her to the heart. *God I hope it's  
not too late* "Xander, I need to apologize for the hospital.  
Whatever your father said he saw, though, he misinterpreted it,  
or you did. Yes, he saw Angel and I hugging, but that was all it  
was. It didn't mean anything--"   
  
The sound of Xander's laughter caused her to trail off  
hopelessly. *How do I get through this wall he's put up between  
us?* she wondered.  
  
"I know you have no reason to believe me," she said. "I'm  
surprised you held out for as long as you did before you lost  
faith in me. In us. I was so unfair to you, from the moment  
Angel came back. I took you for granted, and I can't apologize  
enough for that. I thought things would just work themselves  
out, and I wouldn't have to do anything that would make me the  
bad guy. But all I did in the end was ruin your trust in me."  
  
"I haven't been perfect, Buffy," Xander said. "But that's not  
the issue. The issue always has been that there's this huge  
obstacle between us, and you want to pretend he's not there. But  
I can't do that, Buffy. He's there, and it's destroying us."   
  
"But he's not," Buffy replied, shaking her head.  
  
"Don't _do_ that!" Xander said. "I can't play this game anymore  
Buffy!"   
  
"No, Xander, you need to hear me out here. This isn't the same  
old runaround, I promise you." Buffy begged, hoping he wouldn't  
shut her out.  
  
"Fine. Talk," Xander said with a resigned sigh, sitting on his  
bed.   
  
"Thank you," she said gratefully and took a deep breath, trying  
to compose her emotions. "Xander, first of all I need you to  
understand what happened at the hospital. Yes, Angel was trying  
to comfort me, but I was upset because the doctors all told me  
they didn't think you'd make it. I didn't know how to deal with  
you dying on me, and I was a mess. So that's what your father  
saw, was Angel trying to be a friend and comfort me. And I am so  
sorry I didn't tell you he was there, but I was scared, Xander.  
Like I said before, I've messed things up so badly between us, I  
was afraid you would think... what you did."   
  
She realized she was pacing, and stopped abruptly, looking over  
at him. There was no sign of emotion in his face, she'd seen  
that look all too often lately. She walked over to him, and  
said, "I went to see Angel today. And I told him what I hope it  
didn't take me too long to figure out. I told him that I will  
always care about him, but I am in love with you.   
  
She saw something in his eyes then, a flicker of hope, and it  
gave her hope as well. "Someone told me once that I had to  
figure out who I couldn't live without, in order to fix this  
mess. Well, I figured it out, I can't live without you in my  
life. I love you, Xander Harris, and I need you so much. And now  
I'm just hoping I wasn't too late in figuring all this out."  
  
She waited for his response, nervously. The silence was so heavy  
she wished he'd say something. Anything.   
  
  
Xander, on the other hand, was having trouble putting his  
thoughts together enough to form any words at all. He couldn't  
believe what he'd just heard. She'd actually chosen him over  
Angel? That was something he only dreamed about. But he was  
torn. Part of him wanted to jump up, pull her into his arms and  
never let go. The other part, though, was afraid it wouldn't  
last, that she'd change her mind eventually and walk away from  
him. Then, suddenly he heard Willow's voice in his head,  
*Xander, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!* *Oh, great* he thought. *Now I'm  
channeling Wills. Well, she is usually right. Maybe what I have  
to gain in taking this chance is worth the risk. Hell, I'm  
talking about the only girl I've ever loved, of course it's  
worth the risk.*   
  
He looked up and saw the fearful look in her eyes, and realized  
he was torturing her with his silence. He decided to stop doing  
that immediately. He stood up, and closed the distance between  
them quickly. Without saying a word, he cupped her face in his  
hands and kissed her gently. Buffy made a surprised sound, but  
threw her arms around his neck, and kissed him back,  
desperately. They finally broke away as the need for breathing  
presented itself, and Buffy realized she was crying. Xander  
brushed the tears from her cheeks tenderly, and she found her  
voice to ask, "So does that mean I wasn't too late?" with a  
hesitant smile.   
  
Xander chuckled, and slipped his arms around her waist, holding  
her close. "I think that's a safe assumption. I love you Buffy,  
nothing could change that. I won't pretend things are wonderful  
between us, I think we've both got some work to do to make this  
as good as it could be. But I'm willing to do everything I can  
to make it work."   
  
"I promise you I'll do the same," Buffy said, kissing him again.  
"And we will make it work, Xander, I really do believe that."  
She laid her head on his chest and sighed contentedly.  
  
"Do you have to patrol tonight?" Xander asked.   
  
"Angel's been handling it, since I'm not quite on speaking terms  
with Giles," Buffy said, looking up at him.   
  
"Oh," Xander replied. He had almost forgotten about the birthday  
disaster. "So you haven't even talked to him?"   
  
"Have yuo?" Buffy asked with a raised eyebrow.   
  
"Well, no, but he's _your_ Watcher," Xander said.   
  
"I couldn't deal with him, Xan, not until I worked things out  
with us first. One thing at a time for Buffy."   
  
"And now?" Xander asked.  
  
"Can't I ignore that part of reality until tomorrow?" Buffy  
replied. "I was kinda hoping we could spend some time together  
alone tonight."   
  
"I suppose we could do that," Xander replied teasingly. He  
laughed at her pout, and said, "Buffy, I think if anything  
you're in danger of growing very sick of me, considering how  
little I feel like letting you out of my sight from now on."   
  
He led her over to the couch, and sat down with her. "I  
seriously doubt I could get sick of you," she assured him, with  
a quick kiss. "But you're very welcome to see if you can manage  
it," she added with a grin as she snuggled into his arms.  
  
****************  



	33. Mending Fences

Part 33  
Mending Fences  
  
  
Thursday 6 pm  
  
"Are you sure about this, Buffy?" Joyce asked for about the  
hundredth time since Buffy had gotten home from school. "I mean,  
I respect your opinion, but I'm not so sure I want THAT MAN in  
my house." she said with a frown.  
  
"Mom, 'that man' is my Watcher. Whether you or I like he fact or  
not, we don't get a say in the matter. He's _not_ my favorite  
person in the world right now, but I'm in a giving mood at the  
moment. Xander gave me another chance, I feel like I owe Giles  
at least the offer of that much. So just give him an opportunity  
to explain his side of things, and see where we go from here.  
Okay?"   
  
"Fine," Joyce huffed and turned away to tidy up the room.   
  
"Besides, don't you miss him? Even though this is _so_ not a  
conversation I ever wanted to have with my mother. But there are  
a lot worse men you could get involved with. I'd like to believe  
that Giles means well most of the time, and as far as I could  
tell he always treated you right. Didn't he?"   
  
"Yes, but--"  
  
The sound of the doorbell ended round one, as Buffy went to  
answer the door. She greeted Xander with a smile and a kiss,  
before pulling him inside. "I'm _so_ glad you're here," she  
said. "Tell her" she pointed to her mother, "why we're doing  
this again?"   
  
"Because you're both incredibly forgiving women?" Xander replied  
with a grin. "And because I talked to Giles this afternoon, and  
I really think you need to hear what he has to say? And because  
you trust me?"   
  
"I _suppose_ we can trust you," Joyce said with a shrug, before  
wandering into the kitchen.   
  
"She _supposes_?" Xander questioned Buffy disbelievingly.   
  
"Oh, she's just in a mood," Buffy said with a smile. "She loves  
you, you know that. She's so thrilled we're back together, I'm  
afraid I spoiled the happiness by telling her I wanted to invite  
Giles over."   
  
He followed her into the living room, and they sat next to each  
other on the couch. They suddenly felt awkward and uneasy, the  
initial happy reunion of the night before being over. Xander  
thought better of putting his arm around Buffy's shoulders, and  
Buffy thought better of putting her hand on his thigh. Buffy  
didn't want to crowd Xander, push him into the closeness they'd  
once had. He'd made it clear they had some work to do to rebuild  
their relationship, and she accepted that. She knew she had to  
regain his trust, and was willing to do everything possible in  
order to do just that.  
  
Xander, on the other hand, was letting his insecurities get the  
better of him. After Buffy had left the night before, he'd done  
a lot of thinking. Willow would say too much thinking, he  
realized. He couldn't help it though, he felt like he would wake  
from this dream sooner than he wanted to. After all, how long  
could Buffy possibly go before discovering she'd made the wrong  
decision in choosing him? When even his own father couldn't  
stand the sight of him, he didin't have much hope in keeping a  
girlfriend around for long.  
  
He shook himself out of those melancholy thoughts, though. He  
had Buffy with him now, and that was what was important. He'd  
give the relationship everything he had, that was all he could  
do. He didn't have any control over whatever happened in the  
future, so there was no point in worrying about it.  
  
He looked over to see her looking at him worriedly. He smiled,  
"I'm sorry, Buff, I didn't mean to disappear on you like that."  
  
"It's okay. It's not like you need to be here, after all, while  
Giles and I have it out," she said with a shrug. "But thank you  
_for_ being here. Your support means so much to me."   
  
"You don't have to thank me, Buffy. And as for my not needing to  
be here, where else would I be?" Xander replied putting his arm  
around her shoulders and pulling her close. "This is important  
to you, so it's important to me too. I love you," He said, and  
kissed her gently.  
  
Buffy felt relieved as he pulled her close, she always felt  
better in his arms. "I don't deserve you," she said looking at  
him in wonder. She couldn't believe his ability to forgive her,  
after everything she'd put him through.   
  
"I'd contend it's the other way around," Xander said with a  
smile. They were interrupted by arguing the point further by the  
doorbell. Xander saw the look of uncertainty in Buffy's eyes,  
and smiled at her reassuringly. "It'll be okay. I promise."   
  
"Oookay," she said with a shrug. She stood and walked to the  
door, opening it. "Giles," she said more calmly than she felt.  
"Come in." She stood back to let the man enter. In the light of  
the room, she realized how awful he looked. He had dark circles  
under his eyes, which meant he hadn't been sleeping well. He  
wasn't able to look her in the eyes, as she took his coat,  
instead settling on the floor.   
  
Buffy felt her pent-up anger leave her suddenly as she saw how  
terrible he obviously felt. He was apparently beating himself up  
more than she ever could. She sighed in resignation, and  
motioned him into the living room.   
  
"Thank you," he said quietly as he preceded her in. He took a  
chair across from her as she settled next to Xander again.  
"Buffy I--"   
  
"Wait for Mom," she said. She wanted all of this to be done  
quickly and at once.   
  
"Of course," he said, nodding.   
  
Joyce walked in then, Buffy heard her stop right behind herself  
and Xander. "Come sit, Mom," Buffy requested.   
  
"Dinner's almost ready," Joyce mumbled in reply before walking  
out again.   
  
Buffy had noticed the way Giles expression had brightened when  
her mother had first walked in, and she realized she'd seen that  
look before. It was the way he'd looked at Miss Calendar when  
she wasn't paying attention to him. Then she caught the stricken  
look Giles sent after her mom as she left abruptly, and she  
realized she'd seen that look before, too. She'd seen it on  
Giles' face often after Jenny's death. That was the hopeless  
grief of a man who had lost the woman he'd loved.  
  
*He does love her* she realized for the first time since her  
mother and Giles had started seeing each other. She also found  
herself not wanting them to break up, to her surprise. "Excuse  
me," Buffy said, before standing and walking out to find her  
mother.   
  
Buffy found her in the kitchen, staring out the window over the  
sink. "Mom? Can we get this over with, please?" she asked.   
  
"I can't," Joyce said, as she turned to look at her daughter,  
her face full of sadness. "I thought I could do this, Buffy, but  
I can't. What he did, I can't forgive it. You're my only child,  
and he almost made sure that I lost you forever."   
  
"Mom, he cares about both of us, he wouldn't be here if he  
didn't," Buffy replied. "Come out and hear what he has to say.  
Please? Do it for me?"   
  
Joyce thought for a moment. She finally nodded, and said, "I did  
tell you I would. Lead the way."   
  
Xander heard the two women returning and sighed with relief.  
*Hopefully that means progress.* He had tried but failed to get  
Giles to say much while they were waiting for them to return. He  
knew the man probably felt he was awaiting his lynching. He felt  
sorry for Giles, they'd already had it out and Xander knew he  
regretted his actions on Buffy's birthday.   
  
Buffy returned to his side, and e put his left arm around her  
shoulders, and took her right hand in his. He smiled as he felt  
her noticeably relax against him, snuggling aginst his chest. He  
definitely didn't mind that.   
  
He loked over as Joyce sat in a chair to his left, and he winced  
as he saw the way she glared at Giles. She'd be difficult to get  
through to, he realized.   
  
Giles finally spoke, as no one else did. "Thank you... both of  
you, for allowing me to come over," he said as he looked at  
Buffy and Joyce. "I know you don't really want me here, so I'll  
get right to the point. I just wanted a chance to tell you how  
very sorry I am, for what happened.   
  
Buffy," he paused to look at his charge. "I can never apologize  
enough for what happened. Putting you, Xander, and Angel in that  
situation...all three of you could have been killed. I wouldn't  
blame you if you could never forgive me. I don't know that I can  
ever forgive myself.   
  
I know that you and your friends trusted me. I treated that  
trust without the proper amount of respect. I knew when I was  
... drugging you" he forced himself to say it, and Buffy could  
see it wasn't easy "that I was betraying the trust you placed in  
me, and possibly destroying it forever. I could try to defend  
myself by saying that I was doing my duty, following orders,  
etcetera, but I won't.   
  
There is no defense for my actions. I put your very life in  
danger, something that a Watcher should never do. I despise  
myself for being that weak, I will regret the consequences of  
that weakness until the day I die. I can never apologize enough,  
nor can I expect you to forgive me.   
  
"As I told Xander earlier, I regret deeply that my actions  
caused his life to be endangered, as well as yours. If either of  
you had died--"   
  
Giles looked down at the floor, suddenly, but Buffy saw the  
tears in his eyes. She knew that he was speaking the truth, he  
hated what he'd done.   
  
He finally spoke again, "And Joyce..." he sighed, a long, sad  
sigh. "I know that I hurt you deeply, by putting your daughter  
in such danger. I realize you must hate me, and I deserve that.  
I wish I'd done things differently."   
  
He stood then, and said, "I'll go, I don't want to take up any  
more of your time." He walked to the door, and turned, saying,  
"Oh. And Buffy, the Council has ...well, fired me to put it  
bluntly. A new Watcher will be in Sunnydale by Monday."   
  
Buffy frowned at the floor as she heard the door close behind  
her. *Fired? For what? He did their stupid test, didn't he?*   
  
Xander guessed what she was thinking, and said, "No. He was  
supposed to give you another dose of the drug, but he refused to  
do it. It's a good thing, too, because it probably would have  
knocked you out too much..."   
  
"I wouldn't have been able to stop the vamp from killing you,"  
she realized just how close she'd come to losing him forever.  
"Xan..."   
  
"Go on," he said pressing a quick kiss to her forehead.  
  
Buffy ran out, just as Giles was getting into his car. "Giles!"   
  
He looked up in surprise, and walked toward her slowly. "Yes?"  
he asked hesitantly.   
  
Buffy looked at him for a moment in silence. She'd never really  
thought about it consciously, but she knew he was more to her  
than just her Watcher. He'd been more of a father to her in the  
past two years than her real dad ever had been. That's why it  
had hurt so much when he'd almost caused her, Xander, and  
Angel's deaths. It was like she'd been betrayed by a member of  
her family, not just a man assigned by the Council to be her  
Watcher.  
  
Now, though, she couldn't help wondering if maybe she was  
assuming too much about their relationship. Maybe she shouldn't  
have expected him to do anything more than just follow orders.  
It was just possible she was nothing more to him than just a  
job, and she'd just been setting herself up for something like  
this all along by assuming otherwise. But the only way to know  
the answer to this question, was to just ask him. As much as she  
dreaded the answer.  
  
"I want to ask you something. And be totally honest with me,  
okay?" she asked finally.  
  
"Of course. I promise."   
  
"If you had the choice again, but knowing how everything would  
turn out... If you had to choose between me and the Council, who  
would you choose?"   
  
"You. No question about it," Giles said quickly. "My first  
loyalty should have been to you."   
  
Buffy regarded him for a moment, before nodding, and saying, "I  
hoped you'd say that. My next question is, why?"   
  
"Why what?" Giles looked at her, confusion written on his face.   
  
"Why should you have stayed loyal to me?" she explained. "I  
mean, was it just because that's your job, and you disagree with  
the way the Council wanted things to go?" She hesitated,  
wondering if she was going to make a complete fool of herself.  
She sighed, and shrugged slightly. If that was going to happen,  
it wouldn't be the first time. "Or is it because we're..." she  
fumbled for a word, "friends, and not just Watcher and Slayer,  
so..." she trailed off, and looked at the ground.   
  
Giles looked at her in disbelief for a moment, before replying.  
"Buffy, if I've made you doubt that you are more important to me  
than just as the Slayer I've been assigned to watch, then I'm a  
complete ass."   
  
Buffy giggled, and looked up at him. He caught the hopeful look  
in her eyes, and smiled. "I have come to think of you as a  
friend, Buffy. And sometimes..."   
  
"Sometimes?" Buffy prodded, as Giles didn't seem willing to  
finish the thought.   
  
"Sometimes, I think you're exactly the type of young lady I'd  
want as a daughter, if I'd ever had children."   
  
Buffy's eyes lit up, and she sighed in relief. "Giles, if it was  
up to you, would you still want to be my Watcher?"  
  
Giles blinked at her for a moment, trying to adapt to the sudden  
change in subject. He felt relieved, at least, that she hadn't  
laughed at his sudden revelation about how he felt about her. He  
finally recovered his voice. "I can't believe you'd even  
consider letting me..."   
  
"I'm willing to give you a chance to prove yourself trustworthy  
again," Buffy replied. "That's all I can promise you. Besides,  
you should know that this little meeting was largely because of  
Xander's persuasive powers. If he's willing to forgive you, I  
guess I don't have a place to hold a grudge."   
  
"I don't know what to say..." Giles said, with a shrug.  
  
"Say 'Yes I want to be your Watcher' or 'No thanks'," Buffy  
replied patiently. "We'll figure the rest out a little bit at a  
time."   
  
"Well, yes, of course. I ... but the Council--"   
  
"The Council can all go to hell for all I care," Buffy cut him  
off angrily. "As far as I'm concerned, I don't want any part of  
an organization that tries to kill the girls they're supposed to  
be protecting. There's just something wrong with that way of  
thinking, Giles. I'm through with them, but that doesn't mean  
I'm through with being the Slayer. From what I've learned about  
my calling, it has a lot less to do with them than they'd like  
to think. Right?"   
  
"Well, yes, we're just charged with protecting the Slayer, not  
technically the ones who decide who she will be..." Giles  
agreed.   
  
"And I don't want another Watcher," Buffy added. "It took me  
long enough to break you in. You and I finally got to the point  
where we understood each other, and I don't feel like going  
through all that mess again with someone new. So if you're  
willing to stay on, even unofficially, as my Watcher, why do I  
really need the Council, anyway?"   
  
"I suppose I'll get nowhere by telling you it's incredibly  
dangerous to rebel against them..." Giles said with a sigh.   
  
"I'm shaking," Buffy said sarcastically. "But if you're afraid  
of them--"   
  
"Hardly!" Giles said with a frown. "I'm quite finished with  
them, no matter what your decision, Buffy. I can't be a part of  
their philosophy anymore."   
  
"All right then, it's settled. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon  
and we'll get some training done, okay?"   
  
"I... okay," Giles said with a smile. "And thank you."   
  
"You're welcome, Giles. But remember, you're not out of the  
doghouse until I'm convinced I can trust you again."   
  
"That's fair enough," Giles nodded. "Good night, Buffy."   
  
"G'nite," Buffy said, and turned to go. "Oh, Giles? You aren't  
giving up on Mom, are you? Because I can't think of a better man  
to have as a step-father some day."   
  
Giles' jaw dropped, as this was the closest she'd come yet to  
saying she thought of him as a father. "I was under the  
impression you were never thrilled with us seeing each other."   
  
"I acted like a spoiled brat at first, as I do with all the guys  
Mom dates. But the more I think about it, I can think of a lot  
worse guys for her to be seeing. And you made her happy, Giles.  
So ... yeah, I hope you two can work it out."   
  
"That means so much coming from you, Buffy," Giles said. "I'm  
not planning on giving up any time soon, but--"   
  
"Just think positive," Buffy said. "I've learned that if  
something is meant to be, it always seems to work itself out."   
  
"I hope you're right," Giles said with a smile. "Well,  
goodnight."   
  
"G'nite Giles," she replied with a smile of her own. She watched  
as he drove off, then went back into the house.  
  



	34. Belated Celebration

Part 34  
  
Belated Celebration  
  
Friday 5 pm  
  
"Buffy!!!!"   
  
Buffy heard Willow's yell, and sighed at her reflection. She'd  
tried on ten different outfits, and was currently in a state of  
resignation, wearing her original blue jeans and white tee  
shirt. She tried to remember why she'd agreed to Xander's  
request the previous night.  
  
Xander had asked Buffy after Giles had left the previous night  
if she would be willing to have a late birthday get-together the  
next evening. She'd said sure, and then things had gotten out  
of control completely. Meaning, he'd then resisted all attempts  
on her part to find out what the plans for the 'get-together'  
were. And that was why she was currently irritated, as she had  
no clue what to wear.   
  
"HELP!" she hollered down the stairs.   
  
Willow ran upstairs, and found Buffy sitting on her bed in the  
middle of a pile whirlwind of clothing, pouting. Willow smiled  
at her and said, "Oh, come on. It can't be _that_ bad." Willow  
was wearing a dark blue velvet sleeveless dress which fell to  
her ankles. "We'll find you something," she added, reassuringly.  
  
  
"Will you at least tell me where we're going?" Buffy pleaded.  
Xander had called her an hour ago adn said Willow and Oz would  
pick her up and take her 'there', since he had 'last minute  
things' to take care of.   
  
"Nope," Willow replied with a grin. "You're going to love it,  
though. How Xander managed it the first time is beyond me.  
Yesterday, when he told me he'd arranged it again, I was  
completely amazed, though."   
  
Buffy frowned at her, and said, "Thanks for nothing," before  
standing and walking to her closet. "This is hopeless."   
  
"No it isn't, we don't have to be there for two hours, and it'll  
only take about ten minutes to drive. So we've got plenty of  
time. First the clothes, then I'll help you with your hair."   
  
Buffy shrugged, but decided if Willow was willing to take over,  
she'd let her.   
  
*******************  
  
Two hours later  
  
Buffy, Oz, and Willow pulled up in front of their destination,  
and Willow helped Buffy out of the van. This was necessary, as  
she'd insisted on the blindfold, saying Buffy had to get the  
full effect of the surprise. Grumbling, Buffy had finally  
agreed.   
  
Buffy heard the sound of music, as Willow led her into a  
building it got stronger. *So we're inside...somewhere. Come on,  
Slayer sense, I'm better than that!*   
  
Willow giggled, sensing Buffy's confusion. "Okay, everything  
looks perfect. So blindfold off!" Buffy blinked a few times as  
Willow took it off her eyes, and then her jaw dropped in  
disbelief.   
  
They were in the Bronze, but it was barely recognizable. There  
were streamers everywhere, and lights strung around the room.  
She then noticed several disco balls hanging from the cieling,  
causing the most beautiful light patterns everywhere.   
  
"Xander did this," Buffy said in amazement. "He ... what. Rented  
out the Bronze, and fixed it up like this? With your help, of  
course, but still...."   
  
"It was all his idea," Willow replied smiling in delight. "Oz,  
Giles, your Mom and I just helped decorate."   
  
"This is just too much," Buffy said, looking around. "Speaking  
of Xan, though, where is he?" She frowned, as she saw he was  
definitely missing.   
  
"I'm sure he'll be here soon," Willow said with a shrug. "Come  
on, let's get drinks while we're waiting." She showed Buffy the  
table with a punch bowl, and cookies against one wall of the  
room.   
  
She got herself a drink and listened to the music playing from  
the sound system, apparently playing a prearranged selection of  
songs Buffy imagined Xander had picked out. They were definitely  
all her favorites, she realized with a smile. He was spoiling  
her in the worst of ways, but she could definitely get used to  
it.   
  
Xander walked in and stopped for a moment to catch his breath.  
He had to do so, when he caught a glimpse of Buffy. She was  
wearing a red long-sleeved silk blouse and a long slim black  
skirt, with a slit up her right leg to mid-thigh.   
  
He tore his eyes away for a moment, and went to the console  
which was controlling the music. He changed the selection, to  
the song right before the one he really wanted to hear, the one  
which had spoken to him the moment he'd heard it. Once that was  
done, he tried to sneak up on her.   
  
Of course, her being the Slayer, he probably didn't succeed. He  
knew that, but was glad she played along. He walked up behind  
her and slipped his arms around her waist, in doing so showing  
her the bouqet of a dozen red roses in his hand. "Happy birthday  
a few days late," he said.   
  
"Ohhh," Buffy sighed happily as she saw the roses. She took  
them, and turned in his arms, so she could pull his head down  
for a kiss. "You're just too amazing, Xander Harris," she said  
with a grin. "All this.... it's just... wow! Xan, it had to have  
cost..."  
  
Xander chuckled, "Don't worry about it. It was worth it, just to  
see that look on your face. I'm glad you like it."   
  
"YES, I like, it's without a doubt one of the best birthday  
presents I've ever gotten. I love it. I love you, for going to  
all this trouble," she said before kissing him again. "I'd love  
you even if you didn't do something like this, but this  
definitely gets you added brownie points," she added with a  
smile.   
  
"I just wanted to do something ... different," Xander replied.  
"Something to let you know how much you mean to me."   
  
"Like I need that," Buffy said, "all you have to do is look at  
me, and I know that."   
  
"Dance with me?" Xander asked with a smile.   
  
"Um. I don't know. I've got _so_ many other offers," Buffy said  
with a grin, looking around at the near-empty dance floor.  
Willow and Oz were dancing, but lost in their own world. "I  
suppose I can give you a dance or two," she said with a dramatic  
sigh.  
  
"Good," Xander replied, pulling her out onto the dance floor.  
"Have I mentioned you look absolutely beautiful?"   
  
"You're not so bad, yourself." Buffy replied, referring to the  
fact that Xander was wearing a black suit and tie. "Have I  
_ever_ seen you in a tie?"  
  
"Probably not," Xander shrugged. "And I'm not making a habit of  
it."   
  
"That's fine, because I'm not making a habit of high heels,  
either," Buffy said giggling.  
  
"Deal," Xander said. "And this is the song I've been waiting  
for." He pulled her close and she relaxed into his arms,  
focusing on nothing but him and the music.   
  
//Desperate for changing   
starving for truth   
I'm closer to where I started,   
chasing after you   
  
I'm falling even more in love with you   
Letting go of all I've held onto   
I'm standing here until you make me move   
I'm hanging by a moment here with you //  
  
Buffy smiled as he sang the words softly in her ear. Yet another  
thing to file away in the 'Things She Hadn't Known About Xander'  
file. He could sing, and not half-bad at that. She listened to  
the words, and could see how Xander would choose this song. He  
probably felt it summed his feelings up perfectly. What he  
probably didn't realize, though was it was speaking of the way  
she felt about him, too.   
  
"Don't stop," she said looking at him. "I like your singing,"  
she added, wrapping her arms around his waist and laying her  
head on his shoulder.  
  
//Forgetting all I'm lacking   
Completely incomplete   
I'll take your invitation   
If you take all of me   
  
Now I'm falling even more in love with you   
Letting go of all I've held onto   
I'm standing here until you make me move   
I'm hanging by a moment here with you//  
  
"The song's perfect," Buffy murmered as she looked up into his  
eyes again. "It's definitely us. And I'm not gonna make you move  
anywhere, unless it's with me." He tightened his arms around her  
waist.   
  
//I'm living for the only thing I know   
I'm running and not quite sure where to go   
And I don't know what I'm diving into just hanging by a moment  
here with you   
There's nothing else to lose   
There's nothing else to find   
There's nothing in the world that can change my mind   
There is nothing else   
There is nothing else   
There is nothing else //  
  
Xander was glad she didn't think he was being corny, and that  
she understood how the lyrics spoke for him. He'd never been  
good at talking about his feelings, especially where she was  
concerned. But there really was nothing else that mattered in  
his life, other than Buffy. She was the only thing he'd ever  
felt like he needed, and he'd do his best to never make her  
regret her choice to be with him.   
  
//Desperate for changing starving for truth   
I'm closer to where I started I'm chasing after you   
I'm falling even more in love with you   
Letting go of all I've held on to   
I'm standing here until you make me move   
Just hanging by a moment here with you   
Just hanging by a moment   
Hanging by a moment..   
Hanging by a moment..   
Hanging by a moment here with you //  
  
He put his hand under her chin, to make her look at him. "I love  
you," he said simply, but she saw everything else he was trying  
to say in the way he looked at her.   
  
"That's good, because I feel the same way," she said with a  
smile, before wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling his  
head down so she could kiss him. "Thank you, Xan, for giving me  
the best evening I've had in a long time."   
  
"It won't be the last," he promised her as he wrapped his arms  
around her again. "Not if I have anything to say about it,  
anyway."  
  
***************  
  



	35. Unexpected Battle

Part 35 - Unexpected Battle  
One month later  
8 pm  
  
Buffy and Xander were at Giles' place, getting ready to patrol.  
They'd been almost out the door, when there was a knock.   
  
Giles went to open it, and Angel was standing there. Buffy  
looked at Giles, wondering how he'd take the presence of Angel  
on his doorstep. He'd never quite gotten over the events which  
had occurred when Angelus had returned, and she couldn't blame  
him for that. She also knew that Angel was well aware of how  
Giles felt about him, so the reason Angel was at his door was  
bound to be important.  
  
"Giles, I'm sorry to bother you," Angel said, "I knew Buffy  
would be here, and it's important."   
  
"Come in," Giles said with a sigh, stepping back into his  
apartment.   
  
"Thank you," Angel said. "Buffy, I finally found out where Spike  
is. Willy told me he's in one of the abandoned warehouses at  
the edge of town. He's been recruiting vampires, and that only  
means one thing.   
  
"Time to come after Buffy again?" Buffy replied with an  
irritated sigh. Life had been so nice for the past few weeks  
without any sign of Spike. He'd been laying low, and she'd  
enjoyed the reprieve. She should have known it wouldn't last,  
though.   
  
"Exactly," Angel said, nodding. "So why don't you let me take  
patrol tonight--"   
  
"Absolutely not!" Buffy replied with a frown. "Angel, I'm tired  
of that Bleached-Blond Billy Idol Wannabe ruling my life. I'm  
thinking that it's time to rid the world of Spike once and for  
all." She moved to the weapons chest. "Now if you want to join  
me, that's fine, but no more talk of my hiding from Spike.  
Okay?"   
  
Angel nodded, knowing better than to attempt to argue with her  
when she was in this kind of mood.   
  
"Xan--"   
  
"I'm coming," Xander said firmly. The last thing he wanted was  
Buffy and Angel going out on patrol alone. He'd prefer to be  
there with them. That way his active imagination wouldn't get  
the best of him while he was home alone waiting for Buffy to  
finish patrolling.   
  
Buffy opened her mouth to argue with him, but shut it again. *I  
know that look.* She realized it would be pointless to try to  
convince him to stay away.   
  
"Fine. Giles we'll check in when it's over. Angel, you're  
coming, right?"   
  
"You don't really need me--"   
  
"Yeah we do," Xander interjected.   
  
Angel looked at him a moment in shock. He knew that his presence  
was precisely the last thing that Xander wanted, but was glad  
the boy could put his feelings aside in the interest of Buffy's  
safety.  
  
"You know I'd be happy to back you two up," he replied finally.   
  
Buffy reminded herself to be shocked later at Xander's request  
for Angel's help. She'd never imagined she'd see the day when  
her ex and her current boyfriends would be exchanging civil  
words without her prompting. Now, though, she only had room in  
her mind for one thing, and that was killing Spike.   
  
She nodded, and handed out the weapons, before saying, "Lead the  
way, Angel."   
  
Buffy looked over at Xander as they were walking down the  
street. She knew he wasn't thrilled about the situation, but was  
grateful he could accept the fact that Angel could help them.  
She and Xander had gotten closer the past few weeks, feeling  
more comfortable around each other, though they were far from  
completely back to their original greatness. She reached over  
and squeezed his hand, and he looked at her with a smile.   
  
"I'm fine," he said. She nodded, having no choice but to believe  
him for the moment.   
  
Angel stayed several feet ahead of them, Buffy knew he was  
trying to give them their space. She appreciated that he was  
trying to keep this from being any more awkward than it had to  
be. She also knew it wasn't easy for Angel to be around them,  
either.   
  
Angel finally stopped, and waited for them to catch up. "There  
it is," he said, pointing at the building across the street.   
  
Buffy looked at it, it looked completely uninhabited. There were  
several broken out windows, and it was pitch black.   
  
Angel guessed at her skepticism, and said, "About twenty of  
them. Trust me, I can smell them."   
  
"That's gotta be a handy skill," Xander said with a grin. It  
soon faded though, and he said, "No, wait. You can tell if any  
demon or human is near, right?"   
  
"Yeah..." Angel looked at Xander, not sure what he was worried  
about. He finally got it though. "Yeah, all vampires can sense  
when others are near, so that means they'll know when we walk  
in, if not before."   
  
"So I'm thinking it's better to lure them out here, rather than  
go in there for an ambush," Buffy said.   
  
The others nodded. "Spike will be thinking the exact opposite,  
though" Angel asked. "How do you propose to get him out here?"   
  
"Watch me," Buffy said with a grin. "HEY SPIKE!" she screamed.  
"GET YOUR SORRY ASS OUT HERE AND FIGHT ME!"   
  
Xander quickly clamped his hand over Buffy's mouth and pulled  
her back away from the street. He then looked at her as if she'd  
lost her mind. "Buffy, please!"   
  
She pushed his arm away, and said, "What?! We want Spike out  
here with his idiot fledglings, and I'm trying to make that  
happen."   
  
"Well that just killed any hope of a surprise attack," Xander  
said with a sigh.  
  
"I thought we just established there was no chance of that,"  
Buffy growled, stomping her foot in irritation.  
  
"Well, there could have been SOME surprise," Xander insisted.  
"They didn't know, that we knew, that they knew..." Xander  
frowned as he lost track of his own point.  
  
"I think I get it," Buffy replied with a smile. "Sorry, Xan, but  
you should know by now that patience isn't my strongest point.  
My idea didn't work anyway," she looked at the building. "So I  
guess we're onto plan B."   
  
"Which would be what?" Angel replied. "Because I think I speak  
for both myself _and_ Xander when I say that we weren't aware of  
a plan A. And screaming it to the world at large at the same  
time you let us in on it doesn't count."   
  
"Geez," Buffy sighed. "I was just having a little fun." At their  
twin looks of disapproval, she said, "Okay, okay. Some people  
can not take my sense of humor. So plan B.... I dunno. Go in and  
kill them?" Quickly followed by "Joke!" as they both prepared to  
start in on her again.  
  
"Got any matches?" she asked, contemplating a return to her  
arson days.  
  
"Yes but no," Angel said firmly. "Too windy."   
  
"Okay, so what..." Buffy trailed off as a van pulled up at the  
front of the building. They watched as ten vampires rushed out  
of the warehouse and opened the back of the van, dragging five  
teens back into the building.   
  
"Plan time over," Buffy said then. "We go in now."   
  
"Not in this lifetime," Xander replied, grabbing her arm. "I'm  
not interested in suicide."   
  
"Xander, sitting here wasting time planning Spike's demise was  
all well and good when it was just a bunch of annoying vamps in  
there. But now there are potential murder victims in there too.  
And last time I checked, I was supposed to protect the  
innocent."   
  
Xander stared at her for a moment, trying to come up with a  
proper argument. He finally shrugged, "I hate it when you're  
right."   
  
"Okay, we go in, but we stay close to each other," Angel  
insisted. "The only chance we have of ending this with minimal  
bloodshed is if they can't separate us." The other two agreed,  
and they ran into the warehouse.   
  
Angel was the first one in, and three vampires exploded in a  
cloud of dust as he shot off his crossbow. Ten other vampires  
charged them, and with axes and stakes they were soon slain as  
well.  
  
When the dust cleared, Buffy saw Spike, twenty feet across the  
room, with his remaining seven minions. "I think you're a little  
out of your league, Slayer," he said with a grin. "And 'ello,  
Peaches. I'll enjoy killing you again. I think, though...." he  
chuckled, looking at Buffy. "Yeah, I'll take out the boytoys  
first, while you get to watch. Stuff the nightmares are made of,  
hey, Pet?"   
  
Buffy stared at him, not sure how he knew. It _was_ her worst  
fear, that Angel and Xander's deaths someday would be due to  
her. "No."  
  
"Buffy, don't let him get to you," Xander said, grabbing her  
arm, and turning her to face him. "Nobody's going to die. Not  
here, not now, and definitely not because of him!"   
  
"'Fraid you're wrong, Mate," Spike interjected as one of his  
minions brought a struggling blond girl over to him. He vamped  
out, "'Cuz this one's most definitely dinner!" he added and sunk  
his teeth into the girl's jugular.   
  
"NO!" Buffy screamed, running at him, ignoring Angel and  
Xander's pleas to the contrary. She made her way through two  
vampires, before reaching Spike. It was too late to save the  
girl, though, as Spike dropped the dead body to the ground,  
turning to face her.   
  
"It's my blood you want," Buffy said angrily. "So come on,  
Spike, come get it!" she challenged.   
  
"Don't worry, Pet. That was just an appetizer," Spike replied,  
flashing his fangs at her. He then growled and charged her. She  
punched him in the face, sending him back a few steps, then  
followed with a kick to his stomach. This succeeded in knocking  
him off his feet, and she approached with her stake while he was  
still recovering.   
  
He surprised her by tripping her up then, and she fell on top of  
him, her stake flying off across the floor. "Damn it!" She  
yelled, and rolled away from him.   
  
He chuckled, and leapt to his feet, "Oh no, Slayer's lost her  
stake," he mocked her. "Now whatever will she do?"  
  
She growled, and pulled a knife out of her boot, and said,  
"Knife in the heart will do just as well."   
  
"You talk too much. If you were _able_ to off me, you woulda'  
done it already. I don't think you're 'alf the Slayer you play  
at being," Spike said.   
  
"I talk too much?!" Buffy replied in disbelief. "Yeah, _you're_  
one to talk," she muttered. "I think sometimes you try to kill  
me with your wit. And if THAT'S your plan, you're gonna be  
waiting a looooong time for that." She then charged at him  
again.  
  
Xander dispatched a vampire with a swing of his axe, then looked  
over at Angel. He had drawn the interest of the remaining five  
vampires, and the odds were not looking good for him. Xander  
glanced at Buffy for a moment, trying to decide who needed his  
help more. She was handling Spike well, but she was obviously  
distracted by Angel's predicament. That settled it, he couldn't  
have her distracted. He rushed over to help Angel.   
  
He yelled, "Angel!" Angel looked over at him, and Xander threw  
him the axe. Angel smiled in relief, and beheaded two minions  
quickly. Xander found a stake someone had dropped on the floor,  
and staked two more vampires from behind. Angel took out the  
last one, and Xander finally was able to catch his breath.  
  
"You okay?" he asked.  
  
"I'll heal," Angel said with a shrug. He had many bruises and  
cuts, but no serious wounds. "You?"   
  
"I'll feel it tomorrow," Xander replied. "No big."   
  
They both looked over toward Buffy in time to see Spike kick her  
in the stomach, sending her flying against the wall behind them.  
"Buffy!" Xander yelled in worry, and ran to her, helping her up.  
"Are you okay?" he asked, looking her over closely.  
  
"Few cracked ribs, nothing I can't live with," she replied,  
holding her arm around her ribs gingerly. "Where'd Spike go?"  
she wondered, looking around.   
  
"Good question," Xander said, trying to look for the vampire as  
well. The warehouse was huge, and very poorly lit. He didn't see  
any sign of Spike, but knew he could be anywhere.   
  
Angel saw that Buffy was okay, and ran over to the corner where  
the teens were tied up. He freed them, and rushed them to the  
exit. He pulled out some cash from his pocket, and handed it to  
one of them. "Take this, run to The Bronze, and call cabs to  
take you home. And from now on, stay inside after dark!" They  
nodded, obviously frightened, and ran off.   
  
Angel watched them get to safety, then turned and walked back to  
where Buffy and Xander were standing.   
  
"Where's Spike?" Buffy asked him.   
  
"Well, I thought _you_ had him," Angel replied with a shrug.   
  
"Well fine, blame me," Buffy muttered, and looked away, her eyes  
searching the darkness for the vampire. Suddenly Angel cried out  
in pain, and fell to his knees. Buffy screamed in horror as she  
saw the arrow which had entered his torso from behind, very near  
his heart.   
  



	36. Angel's Injury

Part 36 - Angel's Injury  
10 pm  
  
"I'LL KILL YOU, SPIKE!" Buffy yelled, as she knelt next to Angel,   
helping him sit up.   
  
"Sleep well, Peaches!" they heard, and then footsteps running off.   
  
"Angel?"   
  
"I'm okay," he gasped. "It hurts but it missed my heart."  
  
"Duh, I could see that since you're not a pile of dust," was Buffy's   
attempt at keeping the situation light. "Let's get you home and get   
you cleaned up."   
  
Xander went to Angel's other side, as Buffy helped him up, to help   
support his weight.  
  
"Xan, you okay?" Buffy asked him, as they walked outside. "I'm fine.   
No serious injuries," he replied.  
  
*That's not what I meant.* Buffy thought, but knew that conversation   
would have to wait until they were alone.  
  
The ten minute walk to Angel's mansion took thirty, as Angel was not   
steady on his feet. Buffy was growing more worried by the moment, it   
didn't seem like she was seeing the results of a typical arrow wound.   
Besides the burning suspicion that Spike had _meant_ to miss Angel's   
heart. He could've dusted him easily. So why didn't he?  
  
She and Xander finally got Angel inside, and deposited him in a chair   
in the kitchen,   
  
"You okay?" she asked, him. In the light of the kitchen, he looked   
obviously sick. Vampires didn't get sick. She put her hand to his   
forehead, it was burning up. Vampires didn't run fevers. "Angel?" she   
asked again, as he hadn't replied. She then noticed he was also   
sweating. Vampires didn't sweat. She was trying to fight the panic   
welling up in her, the sinking feeling that something was very wrong.  
  
"I'm fine," Angel tried to reassure her. "Let's just get this arrow   
out, please? The first aid kit's in the bathroom."   
  
Buffy looked at him for a moment. She didn't believe him, but didn't   
want to tax his strength by arguing with him. She nodded, and went   
out to find the first aid kit as he'd requested.  
  
"You're not fine," Xander said when Buffy was out of hearing range.   
He too had noticed all the symptoms Buffy had,   
  
"The arrowhead was poisoned," Angel admitted. "I can feel it, and it   
isn't pleasant at all. I'll be fine in a few days, though. Poison   
can't kill vampires."  
  
"Yeah, just stakes, holy water, sun and beheading, huh?"  
  
"Exactly. Xander, I haven't done anything lately to make you mad,   
have I?" Angel joked.  
  
Xander smiled. "I get that you don't want to worry Buffy, and that's   
fine. But she'll figure it out, you know."  
  
"Figure out what?" Buffy asked as she returned with the first aid   
kit. "Off with the shirt," she ordered, helping Angel get it off.  
  
"Just that human blood will help me heal faster," Angel said quickly.  
  
Buffy sighed in irritation, but remained quiet. She didn't buy it in   
the least, that that's what he'd been hiding from her. She'd long   
since gotten over her gross out at what Angel was, and what he needed   
to survive. And as for human blood, she had no problem whatsoever in   
stopping at the blood bank and bribing away or stealing a few bags   
for Angel. Of course human blood would be better than pig to help him   
heal.   
  
Angel could sense her irritation, but changed the subject. "Cut the   
arrow shaft off, then pull the arrow the rest of the way through."   
  
"Two things for the record," Buffy said. "One: YUK! And two: I don't   
need to know HOW you know the proper way to remove an arrow from   
someone's body."   
  
Angel smiled weakly, and Buffy added, "Sorry. Jokes wait 'til after   
the arrow's out, I get it."   
  
Xander grabbed a pair of scissors, and cut off the shaft of the   
arrow, then said, "Okay. Ready to pull?" She grimaced, and nodded,   
reaching for the arrowhead.  
  
Angel grabbed her hand quickly. "NO!"   
  
She started, and jumped back. "What the hell is wrong with YOU?!" she   
demanded.   
  
"I just..." Angel thought a second, "didn't want you to cut   
yourself." He hoped she bought his explanation. He'd panicked a moment earlier   
when she'd almost introduced the poison into her own body. If it was   
affecting him like this, he didn't want to think what it would do to   
her.  
  
"Fine, I'll take it by the stick-part," Buffy shrugged, still eyeing   
him suspiciously. "Ready?" He nodded, and grit his teeth. She pulled   
it out quickly, and put it on the table.   
  
"It's not bleeding too much anymore," she said as she started to   
clean the wound.  
  
"Good, I..." Angel slurred, and swayed.   
  
Buffy grabbed his shoulder, "Angel?"   
  
His eyes were glassy, not seeing her. "I'm through playing these   
games with Spike. Insufferable Childe."   
  
Buffy caught him as he passed out.  
  



	37. Truth Revealed

Part 37 - The Truth Revealed  
  
Buffy looked in dread at Angel, leaning unconscious against her. She   
wondered idly if that was the correct term. *Are vampires ever not   
unconscious?* She then wondered why she was thinking such ridiculous   
things when the situation was obviously worse than she'd thought.   
  
"Xan? What is he keeping from me?" Buffy asked, looking up at him.  
  
"The arrow was poisoned," Xander replied. "He didn't want you to   
worry, because it won't kill him. He doesn't know of a poison that   
can."   
  
"I hope he's right" Buffy said. "Help me get him to his bed?" Xander   
nodded, and between the two of them, they carried/dragged Angel to   
his room, putting him in bed.  
  
Buffy stood back, watching Angel. He was moaning now, and breathing   
heavily. He was obviously suffering, and it hurt her to see it. She   
looked over at Xander, then, and could tell that he wasn't enjoying   
seeing her distress over Angel's situation. She hoped that he could   
deal with it long enough for them to get Angel well. Then they'd   
talk, and sort things out.  
  
"He'll be okay," Xander tried to comfort her, laying a hand on her   
arm.   
  
Buffy nodded, still watching Angel. "He has to be. Xan--"   
  
"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine," Xander said, kissing her on the   
cheek tenderly. "You need to take care of Angel, I understand that.   
Would you like to stay here, while I go get Giles?"   
  
"You'd do that?" Buffy turned to him, in surprise.  
  
"Sure, I would," Xander shrugged. "That and get some blood on my way   
back."   
  
"Thank you," Buffy said gratefully, hugging him.  
  
"No problem," Xander nodded, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.   
He then left, heading toward Giles' apartment.  
  
Buffy sat next to Angel, "I wish I knew how to help you, Angel. Wake   
up and tell me how to help you," she pleaded.  
  
Angel's eyes opened, and he looked over at her. "Buffy?"   
  
"I'm here," she said, taking his hand. "How much do you remember?"   
  
"Just how much I'm gonna kill Spike," Angel muttered.  
  
"Not if I get to him first," Buffy replied with a grin.   
  
"Where's Xander?"   
  
"He went to get Giles," Buffy answered. "We thought maybe he or   
Willow could help us figure out what the poison was."   
  
Angel looked at her in surprise. "How--"   
  
"Do you think I'm that stupid?" She questioned angrily.   
  
"That's not what I--"   
  
"No? What do you _think_ it feels like, knowing you'd keep something   
like this from me?!" she demanded.   
  
"I didn't want you to worry," Angel replied sadly.   
  
"You don't get a say in the matter, Angel," Buffy said with a   
sigh. "Just because we're not together anymore, doesn't mean I don't   
care. And because I care, I couldn't not worry about you, don't you   
see that?"   
  
Angel nodded, "I'm sorry."   
  
"It's fine," Buffy shrugged. "I just wish people would stop trying to   
protect me from things like this."   
  
"Point taken and understood," Angel said with a smile.  
  
"Good," Buffy said, taking his hand again.  
  
"Still, you shouldn't be here," Angel said with a frown. "What if   
Spike comes back?"   
  
"You seriously think I'm leaving you, helpless to defend yourself   
against him?" Buffy asked quizzically. "Does the phrase 'when hell   
freezes over' mean anything to you?"   
  
Angel laughed, which dissolved into a long coughing fit. Buffy put   
her arm around his shoulders, helping him sit up. It finally passed,   
and he slumped against her tiredly.  
  
"How do you feel?" she asked, brushing the hair back from his   
forehead.  
  
"Strange. I haven't been sick since... I was alive."  
  
"Yeah, bet you don't miss that," she said.   
  
"I'm burning up," Angel said.  
  
She nodded, and helped him sit back against the headboard. She then   
went to the bathroom, wetting a washcloth. She brought it back and   
pressed it to his face. "Better?" she asked.  
  
"Much," Angel said with a sigh, closing his eyes.   
  
"Angel?" Buffy asked, but he didn't reply and she guessed he'd passed   
out. He was still breathing heavily, but she found the sight   
strangely comforting. Otherwise, she wouldn't be able to tell if he   
was still with her or not.  
  
********************  
Giles' house  
Midnight  
  
Xander ran all the way to Giles' apartment, and entered without   
knocking. The distressed look on Giles' face reminded him that he had   
Angel's dried blood on his shirt.   
  
"Angel's hurt," he panted, trying to find his breath again. " Arrow   
was poisoned. We need..." He had to stop to catch his breath.  
  
"Call Willow," Giles suggested. "She can analyze it."  
  
Xander nodded, and walked over to the phone, dialing the   
number. "Will? Sorry to call so late, but I need you to meet me at   
the school chemlab. We've got something for you to analyze. Thanks,   
I'll explain when I get there."   
  
"Where's Buffy?" Giles asked.  
  
"Mansion. He's in bad shape," Xander replied.   
  
"You go meet Willow, I'll go to the Mansion and stay with Buffy,"   
Giles said. "Xander, are you okay?"   
  
"I'll live," Xander shrugged.   
  
Giles looked at him for a moment, before nodding. He guessed that any   
physical pain Xander was feeling was secondary to the emotional. He   
knew it wouldn't be easy for the boy to see his girlfriend worrying   
about her ex.  
  
"Giles, could you stop at the bloodbank on your way over there?"   
Xander asked. "We're thinking human blood will go farther in healing   
Angel than anything else."   
  
"Of course," Giles replied. "And Xander, be careful. I can't help   
feeling that Spike is enjoying seeing us all split up around town   
like this."   
  
"Got it," Xander nodded, before leaving again.  
  
************* 


	38. Guilt

Part 38 - Guilt  
2 am  
  
  
Buffy watched Angel, wishing that someone else would show up soon. He   
was begining to frighten her. He'd been delirious for the past hour,   
deteriorating before her eyes. As this happened, he began ranting and   
raving at her, more Angelus than Angel at times.  
  
{Get away from me! You've destroyed me! I hate you!}  
  
She shook her head, sadly, knowing in her head he didn't mean it.   
Hoping, at least.  
  
You can't die on me, Angel. I won't be responsible for your death,   
not a second time," she said quietly.  
  
"Don't say that," he startled her by grabbing her arm. "What would   
make you say something like that?" he asked. She tried to pull her   
arm away, but he wouldn't let her. "Buffy, talk to me."   
  
He paused for a second, then she saw realization flash in his   
eyes. "Tell me I dreamed those awful things I said," he begged. He   
saw by her expression he hadn't dreamed them. "God Buffy, I'm so   
sorry," he whispered, "It was the delirium talking, please understand   
that. "I couldn't hate you if my existence depended on it."  
  
"Maybe it does," she said softly.  
  
"Like hell it does!" Angel retorted angrily. His face softened   
though, and he added, "I can't hate you, and I shouldn't. Anymore   
than I can regret anything about us, Buffy. I regret losing my soul,   
but that was neither of our faults. We weren't given the whole deck   
of cards to work with. We did the best we could, that's all that   
matters."   
  
She shook her head, still refusing to look at him. *If it wasn't for   
me, he wouldn't be here now, he'd never have been sent to hell.*  
  
As if reading her thoughts, he said, "Buffy, you are not responsible   
for any of this, or my going to hell. Don't you get it? You're the   
reason I got out of those sewers, and started helping people again.   
You're why I started making my existence worth something. If not for   
you, I wouldn't ever have learned to love again. You didn't destroy   
me, Buffy you saved me."   
  
"I did a bang-up job of it, didn't I?" she replied with a bitter   
laugh.  
  
"Stop it," he ordered, shaking her arm. "Whatever happens, you have   
to remember. None of this is your fault. I have no regrets, Buffy. I   
found people to care about, and I made a little bit of difference. I   
worked to make up for the evils I did in this world, and I have to   
believe that will matter in the next world."  
  
"Stop talking like that, you'll be fine," Buffy said, wiping the   
tears from her eyes.   
  
Angel smiled at her sadly, then shut his eyes again. She let him   
sleep, he needed to keep his strength.  
  
She heard footsteps, and turned to see Giles walk in. "How is he?"   
  
"Getting worse by the minute. He's alternating between delirious   
ravings and contemplating his death," Buffy replied sadly.   
  
"I brought some blood from the bloodbank," Giles said. "It's in the   
kitchen. "I'll call the council, possibly I can get some information,   
if not help."  
  
"You really think that will do any good?" Buffy questioned.  
  
"It can't hurt to try," Giles replied, walking out again.  
  
Buffy returned to the kitchen to heat up some blood. "Please let him   
be okay," she asked whatever Powers might be listening. She shook her   
head, "What am I doing, they never listened to me in the past," she   
said in disgust.   
  
She returned to Angel's room with a mug of blood. She stepped over to   
him, and moved the mug under his nose. He opened his eyes and vamped   
out, and she jumped back in fear.   
  
He looked at her apologetically, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to   
frighten you. I'm still me." He hadn't been able to stop it, he was   
too weak. He still had full control over the demon though, enough to   
keep it from physically harming anyone, at least, if not to keep it   
from verbally abusing them.  
  
Buffy eyed him suspiciously, but then felt she could believe   
him. "Instinctive reaction?" she offered.  
  
"Yes," Angel nodded. "It's just when I'm weak."   
  
"Okay," she said. She set the mug down and sat next to him, then   
propped him up against her again. She put the cup to his   
lips. "Drink."  
  
He hesitated.  
  
"I trust you, Angel. Just drink."  
  
He nodded, and vamped out again, emptying the contents of the mug   
quickly. Buffy was relieved when he reverted to his human face   
quickly.   
  
"Better?" she asked him.  
  
"Much," he replied with a smile.  
  
"Good," she said. She settled him back in bed, "Sleep now." She   
smiled as he relaxed and did just that.  
  
***************  
  



	39. Scared

Part 39 - Scared  
4 am  
  
Buffy heard Giles walk up behind her, and turned. He'd been on the   
phone a long time, and she hadn't been sure whether that was good or   
bad. "Well?" she asked.  
  
Giles looked at her nervously, then removed his glasses and cleaned   
them with his shirt-tail "No luck. They can't help."   
  
"Can't or won't?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Won't," Giles admitted. "It's against their policy to help demons,   
Buffy."  
  
Buffy laughed, "Is this the same policy that says it's okay for a   
Watcher to try to kill his slayer?!" she yelled, then jumped up and   
ran out. She needed some privacy.   
  
She returned to the kitchen, as the tears fell freely. She couldn't   
take it, watching Angel slowly dying, and she knew now that was what   
was happening, was worse than anything that she'd ever felt in her   
life. If they couldn't find a cure, she thought she'd go mad.  
  
She stilled as she felt hands on her shoulders.  
  
"Don't shut off," Xander said softly. "I can't help you if you do   
that. And I do want to help you, Buffy. Please let me help you."   
  
He'd spend hours with Willow and Oz, and the news was nothing but   
bad. He wished desperately that it was better, he couldn't stand   
seeing her in this much pain. It was worse, knowing that he couldn't   
tell her it would all be okay. He'd come back to the Mansion to tell   
her the news anyway. But for now, he needed to let her work through   
her current pain, not add to it.  
  
"I'm scared," she whispered.  
  
"It's okay to be scared, Buff. Let me be strong for a while," he   
said. He turned her around, and held her tightly as she started to   
sob uncontrollably.   
  
"I'm cursed," she mumbled against his chest.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Xander asked, rubbing her back   
soothingly. "You're not cursed."  
  
"I am!" she yelled, raising her head to look into his eyes. "Everyone   
who loves me dies! Go away before you die too!"   
  
He looked at her in confusion, unsure where this self-hatred was   
coming from. "Buffy, stop talking like this. Those who choose to make   
the Hellmouth their homes are living on borrowed time. You're not   
responsible for what happened tonight. It has nothing to do with you,   
Baby. It's not your fault," Xander insisted. He wished he could say   
or do something to make her believe him.  
  
"IT IS!" she screamed, trying to push him away but failing. "It   
IS ...it is... it is," she was still pounding on his chest, but he   
held tight to her. He wasn't letting go. If the only thing he could   
give her was a shoulder to cry on, and arms to hold her, he'd at   
least give her that much.  
  
She cried, long and hard, and he just held her, one arm around her   
waist and the other hand stroking her hair gently. Finally she   
calmed, and wiped the tears from her face. "Did you know you were   
involved with a mental case?" she asked him in embarrassment.  
  
"You're not," Xander said with a smile, kissing her on the   
forehead. "It's better you let it all out than hold it in."   
  
"How can you be so understanding?" she asked.  
  
"Your amazing ability to love is one of the reasons I fell in love   
with you, Buffy. You are so loyal to the people in your life, and I   
wouldn't want it any other way. I can't be angry with you for caring   
about him. I'll admit I'm jealous, but that's my problem, not yours.   
I just wish sometimes that I was the only one who had your heart."  
  
"You're the only one that matters," she replied quietly. She hugged   
him tighter, "You're the one I want to spend the rest of my life   
with."  
  
"Just keep reminding me of that," Xander requested with a smile,   
holding her tighter.  
  
"I think I can do that," Buffy nodded.  
  
********************  
  



	40. A Cure

Part 40 - A Cure  
5 am  
  
"Buffy, I've got news," Xander finally said gently. He hated to  
do this to her, but she deserved to know what he knew about  
Angel's condition.  
  
"In the other room. Giles will want to know," she said, pulling  
away and walking into the living room. She and Xander sat on the  
couch, Giles was sitting on a chair facing the fireplace.  
  
The look on Giles' face asked the question for him.  
  
"I kinda had a breakdown," Buffy said apologetically. "I'm sure  
you heard it. I'm okay now, though."   
  
Giles nodded, not pressing her further.   
  
*Well, out with it* Xander told himself. "So I'm sure you both  
want to know what Willow, Oz and I found out about the poison.  
They're still researching, but we've got a little info. It's a  
mystical compound, and its name is..." He trailed off, wondering  
how he'd gotten the responsibility of being the bearer of bad  
news.  
  
"Go on," Buffy prodded.  
  
Xander sighed, "Killer of the dead."  
  
Buffy paled, and clutched her stomach as if she'd been punched  
hard. Xander put an arm around her shoulders hesitantly, wishing  
again that he could say it would all be okay, but knowing that  
would be a lie.  
  
"How long will it take?" Giles asked.  
  
"The smallest dose on record took 24 hours to do the job, the  
largest dose took twelve," Xander said.   
  
"There's a cure though," Buffy said hopefully. "There has to  
be." Xander didn't look at her, and her hope sank. "Xander..."   
  
"We're still working on that," Xander said with a shrug. "The  
only info we have so far..." He trailed off again, not wanting  
to finish the sentence.  
  
"GO ON..." Buffy said irritably.  
  
Angel's scream startled them all, and saved Xander from  
answering the question momentarily. Buffy jumped up and ran into  
Angel's room. He wasn't in his bed, but she finally found him.  
He was in a dark corner, shaking violently. His eyes were glassy  
and she doubted he knew she was there.  
  
"Angel, it's me, Buffy," she said quietly. "I'm not going to  
hurt you."  
  
He snarled at her, and she jumped back. "Angel!"   
  
His eyes cleared instantly and he looked up at her confusedly.  
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I can't seem to keep my head clear."  
  
"It's okay," she said reassuringly, helping him to his feet.  
"Back into bed,," she added as she got him lying down again.  
"We're close to a cure. Just sleep, Angel." She sat with him  
until he drifted off again.  
  
She opened his door and stepped out of the room, but stopped  
short at the screaming match before her. "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR  
BLOODY MIND???" Giles screamed at Xander. "YOU WILL NOT TELL  
HER! YOU CAN'T, NOT NOW, WHEN SHE'S LIKE THIS!"  
  
"I can't KEEP it from her," Xander replied, in better control of  
his emotions than Giles. "I promised her I'd NEVER keep  
something important from her again, Giles, and I won't break  
that promise. She deserves to know what we know."  
  
"NOT IN THIS STATE OF MIND, SHE DOESN'T! IF YOU TELL HER, YOU  
WILL LOSE HER FOREVER! WE ALL WILL!"  
  
Xander shook his head, and sighed. He then looked over to the  
door. "Buffy," he said with a sad look her way, then sunk to the  
couch, his head in his hands. Giles' last words echoed in his  
mind, but he couldn't not tell her. Even if Giles was right, he  
wouldn't make the mistake of keeping anything from her again.  
Because he knew for sure that that, more than anything else,  
WOULD destroy any chances they had of making it through this  
together.   
  
Giles looked over at her. "Oh bloody hell," he said, and turned  
away, staring at the fireplace.   
  
"Someone tell me what's going on," Buffy requested, walking over  
to Xander and looking down at him. "There's a cure? Did I hear  
that right?"   
  
Xander didn't reply, and she knelt in front of him. "Xan, you  
have to tell me. Don't do this to me, not again,' she begged.  
She pulled at his arms, and he finally gave in, looking into her  
eyes. The torment in his eyes as he did so shocked her, though.   
  
"I love you so much," he said, looking incredibly hopeless.  
  
"I know you do," she replied, touching his face gently. "Tell  
me," she urged. "Whatever it is, we can get through this  
together."  
  
Xander started as she unconsciously repeated his previous  
thoughts, and looked down at the floor. "There was mention of a  
cure, in one of the books. The vampire who was poisoned was  
cured by draining the Slayer."   
  
Buffy hesitated, letting the words sink in. "Drained. As in  
completely?" she finally asked.  
  
"He lived, she died," Xander said, looking back at her with  
haunted eyes.  
  
"Oh."  
  
****************  
  



	41. Another Dilemma

Part 41 - Dilemma, Part Two  
  
Buffy fell asleep at some point, her head on Xander's knee.  
Xander stayed awake, though, gazing at her, feeling the need to  
memorize her every feature. It was eight a.m, which meant, at  
best, Angel had two more hours to live if Willow and Oz didn't  
find another cure. He was scared to death of that possibility,  
feeling that if that happened he was going to lose Buffy forever  
and there was nothing he would be able to do to stop it.   
  
Buffy jolted awake suddenly, with a little cry. "Hush, Buffy,  
you're okay," Xander soothed her. "You're in the mansion with  
me, Giles and Angel."  
  
"The Mansion?" Buffy said in confusion. She finally remembered,  
and a cloud fell over her face. "What time is it?"  
  
"Eight," Xander replied.  
  
"Oh, God, only two hours left?" she said, tearfully.  
  
"Or fourteen," Xander pointed out the more optimistic figure.  
  
"There's no way of knowing that," Buffy replied, looking away.   
  
Xander had nothing to say to that, so he remained silent, still  
running his fingers through her blond locks. *Willow and Oz will  
find another cure.* He tried to convince himself.  
  
He heard footsteps behind himself, and turned to see Willow and  
Oz standing there, Willow looking pale and sad. His heart sank  
as he felt his hopes dashed instantly. "No, please no," he said.  
  
"I'm so sorry," Willow said tearfully. "If there was another  
cure, we'd have found it. We went through the entire library.  
Twice." She wished she had better news, knowing that this news  
meant this situation couldn't end any way but badly. The only  
question which remained was how badly.  
  
"So that's it then, there's nothing else?" Buffy asked, looking  
at Willow.  
  
"Slayer's blood is the only known cure," Willow admitted, hating  
the look of complete resignation she saw in Buffy's face. "But  
you're not thinking about..."   
  
Buffy turned away again, looking into the fireplace. "I don't  
know," she said so softly they could barely hear her. "Maybe I  
am," she admitted.  
  
"NO!" Giles yelled so loudly she jumped and looked at him. "I  
FORBID IT! YOU WILL NOT GIVE YOUR LIFE TO SAVE THE LIFE OF THAT  
MURDERER!"   
  
"You forbid it???" Buffy replied, growing angrier by the moment.  
"YOU forbid it?!! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO ORDER ME AROUND!"   
  
"I'M YOUR WATCHER!!!!"   
  
"FIRED!!!" Buffy screamed back, getting right into his face.  
"You don't have the power to order me around anymore, but you  
never did in the first place," she said quietly. "Because.  
You're. Not. My. Father." She smirked.   
  
Giles stepped back suddenly as if he'd been hit. "I won't let  
you," he said calmly then, and pulled out a stake.   
  
Buffy threw him against the wall and then advanced on him. "You  
touch him, and so help me I will kill you," she promised  
angrily.  
  
The others stepped in finally, Xander grabbing Buffy by the arms  
and pulling her away, and Willow and Oz stepping in between her  
and Giles.   
  
"STOP IT!" Willow screamed, tears in her eyes. "DON'T YOU SEE,  
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT SPIKE WANTED?! HE KNEW THIS WOULD BE THE  
ONLY CURE!" She brushed the tears away, adding, "The only thing  
that could tear this little family of ours apart forever."   
  
Buffy slumped back against Xander, saying, "I don't know what to  
do...."  
  
"Only you can answer that question," Willow said with a sigh.  
"But I think I speak for all of us, when I say that we don't  
want you to die. You have too much left to do, Buffy. Who'll  
stop the Ascension if you're gone?"   
  
Buffy didn't answer, thinking that the next Slayer would do that  
just fine. "I need to speak to Angel, alone," she finally said.  
  
"Oh, now _that's_ a brilliant idea, when he hasn't been coherent  
for hours," Giles argued.  
  
"This is important, Giles," Buffy said as civilly as she could  
manage. "I think I'll be able to get through to him for long  
enough to talk to him."  
  
"I won't leave you alone with him," Giles replied firmly.  
  
"I need you, all of you, to trust me," Buffy pleaded. "I promise  
I won't make any major decision before talking to you first."  
She looked at Willow, and Oz. They paused before nodding, and  
walking out. "Giles, please?" she asked.  
  
Giles sighed, then said, "Very well. Don't prove me wrong in  
trusting you," he requested. He looked at her a moment,  
hesitating, before walking out of the Mansion.   
  
Buffy then turned to look at Xander, questioningly. "I know I  
can trust you," he answered her unspoken question.  
  
"Thank you," she replied with a smile, and kissed him gently.  
"You're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with," she  
whispered in his ear, reminding him of their earlier  
conversation.   
  
Xander nodded, and said, "Just... whatever you decide... you can  
tell me. You know that, don't you?"   
  
"I do," she said, taking his hand and squeezing it reassuringly.  
"I'll see you in a little bit, okay?"   
  
"Yeah," Xander said, ignoring the screaming voices in the back  
of his mind telling him not to leave her alone. If they were to  
be anything to each other, they had to trust each other, he knew  
that. As hard as it was, he managed to walk out of the Mansion,  
and back to his house alone.   
  
***********  



	42. A Difficult Decision

Part 42 - A Difficult Decision  
  
Buffy walked into Angel's room and saw how weak he'd gotten. He   
wasn't tossing and turning, not even making a sound anymore. He was   
simply lying on the bed on his back, breathing heavily, staring at   
the ceiling. She hoped she'd be able to speak to a saner version of   
him than she'd gotten access to lately. She moved to the chair, and   
sat, taking his hand. "Angel? I hope you can hear me. Time's getting   
short, and I need your help to make this decision."   
  
He looked over at her, "Buffy?"   
  
"I'm here."   
  
"So thirsty," he said, closing his eyes against the pain.  
  
"I'll be right back." She went into the kitchen and got one of the   
bloodbags out of the refrigerator, pouring it in a mug. She had just   
placed it into the microwave, when she heard Angel cry out again.   
  
She rushed back into the bedroom. Angel was curled into a fetal   
position, holding his stomach and moaning. "Angel," she went to him   
quickly, and put her hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Get away!" he yelled, pushing her hand away.   
  
She caught the flash of yellow in his eyes, but didn't back   
away. "No," she said calmly. "I'm not leaving you like this. Let me   
help you, Angel, please."  
  
"You can't help me, Buffy," he said softly. "I'm dying--"   
  
"NO!"   
  
"You can't hide the truth from me, any more than I could from you   
earlier tonight," Angel replied. "I'm dying, and there's not a thing   
you can do about it. I know you tried to find a cure, you did   
everything you could. You couldn't find it though, could you?" She   
wouldn't meet his eyes, and he added, "It's okay, Buffy. You're not   
responsible, I said that before and I meant it. "  
  
"But there IS a cure, Angel," she said, looking back at him.   
  
"But I could tell from the yelling between you and the others that it   
can't be that easy," Angel said. "What's the problem, you can't find   
the cure in time?"   
  
"No, the problem is that there's a difference in opinion about   
whether or not the cure is too dangerous... To me." Buffy paused,   
sitting on the bed next to him.  
  
"What do you mean, to you?" Angel questioned.   
  
"Slayer's blood." Buffy replied. "It will cure you."  
  
"No," Angel said. "I won't listen to this, it's not an option."  
  
"Angel, it's the only cure!" Buffy said.  
  
"No," he said shaking his head. He tried not to let himself hone in   
on the sound of her heartbeat, or think about how sweet her blood   
would be... "I WON'T drink from you!"   
  
"Maybe you wouldn't have to take it all," she said hesitantly.  
  
"NO!" he yelled forcefully, and stumbled out of bed, to the door.  
  
"Angel!" she followed him out and grabbed him by the arm. "Don't   
fight me on this. Not when I can save you, please--"   
  
"If I start, I won't be strong enough to stop," he said, pulling his   
arm away. "And I _won't_ KILL YOU!" he yelled, going for the front   
door.  
  
Buffy grabbed his arm again and pulled him back. "Stop, Angel, it's   
daylight out..." she realized what he intended and paled. "I get it.   
I won't push you, just don't kill yourself. Please."   
  
Angel leaned against the arm of the couch, as he felt dizzy for a   
moment. "Buffy, please," he begged her, and there was fear in his   
eyes when he looked at her. "I need you to leave and not come back."   
  
"What???" Buffy looked at him, with a devastated look. "I can't leave   
you all alone."  
  
"You have to," Angel insisted. "As I get weaker, he gets stronger.   
Pretty soon I won't be able to stop from drinking, and HE _won't_   
stop. If you want to do something for me, get out of here, so I don't   
take you with me."   
  
"I can deal with him," Buffy said stubbornly.   
  
Angel sighed, "Maybe, if you weren't so convinced you could cure me.   
But I'm not taking that chance now that I know you might not stop   
him... no. Leave. He walked over to her and put his hand her   
face, "Don't ever blame yourself. Just let me go, Buffy, and be   
happy."   
  
"Happy?" she returned, as the tears sprang to her eyes.. "How the   
hell can I ever be happy--" She ended in a sob.  
  
Angel pulled her to him. "None of this is your fault, Buffy. I don't   
blame you." He held her for a moment before pushing her away   
again, "Leave now."   
  
"I won't," she said, looking up at him crying.  
  
"You have to," Angel replied, with tears in his own eyes. "There's   
nothing left to say that we haven't already said. No goodbyes, just   
leave."   
  
She just stood there, as if she was unable to move.   
  
"GO!" he yelled, regretting his harshness when he saw the pain on her   
face, but not knowing another way. "YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR, NOW, OR I   
WILL!"  
  
She sobbed, and turned, running outside.   
  
**************** 


	43. Letting Go

Part 43 - Letting Go  
  
Buffy didn't know where she was going, but ended up at Xander's   
doorstep eventually. She hesitated, unsure if he'd want to see her,   
but he opened the door then.  
  
"Xander," she whispered, still crying uncontrollably.   
  
"Come here," he said, pulling her inside, and into his arms. "Are you   
okay?" he asked, but wasn't surprised when she just shook her head,   
her arms around his waist tightening. "Come on," he said, and led her   
downstairs.  
  
He didn't ask, he knew from the look on her face that she or Angel   
had decided her life was too high a price to pay to save Angel. He   
also felt instinctively that it was probably Angel who had made the   
decision. He wished he could thank Angel for not taking her away from   
him, but knew the best thanks would be to take care of Buffy.   
Something he planned on doing the rest of his life, if she'd let him.  
  
"You don't have to tell me, Buffy. I think I know." Xander said as he   
sat on the couch, with her on his lap. "I'm so sorry, I know it isn't   
easy to let it be this way. I wish there'd been another way to save   
him."  
  
"I know you do," she said. "And I love you so much for being willing   
to let me do whatever I felt I needed to do, Xander. It means so much   
that you didn't give me an ultimatum."  
  
"It was your choice," Xander replied. "I knew that either way, it   
would be hard enough for you without anyone else making it more   
difficult."   
  
She nodded, and said, "Please just hold me," as the tears started   
again.  
  
"That I can do," Xander replied, tightening his arms around her   
waist. He looked over at the clock, it was just past nine. He knew   
the next few hours would be the hardest ones of Buffy's life. He felt   
incredibly helpless, too, knowing there wasn't a thing he could do to   
make them any easier on her.  
  
Buffy drifted off to sleep finally, and Xander hoped she'd find it a   
peaceful sleep. He doubted it, though.   
  
**************  
  
Buffy jolted awake, temporarily confused as she re-oriented herself.   
She realized she was in Xander's room, with Xander's arms around her.   
She looked down at her watch, and felt physically ill. It was eight   
p.m. She slept most of the day away, and there was a very good   
certainty that Angel was long gone.  
  
She felt like crying, but found that she didn't have enough energy to   
do so. She looked up at Xander, he was sound asleep. She smiled, and   
caressed his cheek gently. "I don't know what I'd do without you,"   
she whispered. She moved off the couch, careful not to wake him.   
  
"I'll be back soon, I just need to go say goodbye to someone," she   
added with a sad sigh.  
  
She turned and hurried upstairs and out of the door. She walked   
slowly to Angel's mansion, taking out a few vampires on the way. She   
reached the door, and walked inside. Her breath caught in her throat   
as she saw Angel lying on the couch.   
  
*He's still alive,* she realized, as his eyes opened and met hers.   
  
****************** 


	44. Fate?

Part 44 - Fate?  
  
"Angel," Buffy said, and moved to sit next to him. Part of her was   
devastated to see him so weakened, wishing his suffering was over by   
now. The other part was glad he wasn't dead.   
  
"You're not supposed to be here," Angel gasped. "Go--"  
  
"Hush," she put a finger to his lips, shaking her head. "There's a   
reason I was drawn back here, now, while you're still alive. Call it   
fate, or whatever you want. But you're not supposed to die. Not   
today." She took a deep breath, then put an arm under his shoulders,   
pulling him up. "Drink." She said, pulling his head to her neck.  
  
"No," he whispered, and surprised her with his strength as he shoved   
away from her, and fell to the ground. All he could hear was her   
heartbeat, and he tried to crawl away from her.   
  
Buffy followed him, trying to figure out how to make him drink. She   
grabbed his arm, and thought of a way. She had to get to Angelus. If   
Angelus was in control, he wouldn't resist her request to drink from   
him. She fought back the fear which welled up at that thought,   
realizing she'd deal with the devil himself if it would save Angel.  
  
She pulled back her other arm and punched him in the face twice. The   
first time, Angel's head snapped back, but he retained control. The   
second time, he vamped out, snarling at her. Before he could recover,   
she knelt in front of him, pulling his head to her neck again. Her   
other hand was on his shoulder, and she said, "Drink."  
  
She cried out as she felt his fangs sink into her neck finally, but   
she he fought the urge to panic and fight him off, as she felt him   
drinking her blood. She grabbed the fabric of his shirt, holding him   
to her. She fell to the ground onto her back, and he followed, still   
drinking. It hurt at first, but then as she let go of the desire to   
fight, the pain faded and she found a strange sense of calm   
resignation. Her blood was healing him, and if she died that day, it   
would be worth it.  
  
Angel had no control of what was happening and fought desperately to   
regain control. He had felt Angelus take control as Buffy punched him   
the second time, and couldn't stop from sinking his fangs into her   
neck. He'd heard her cry out in pain, but her grip on him had been   
too tight to pull away. The bloodlust was overpowering already and   
the first taste of her blood on his tongue had been intoxicating. He   
couldn't stop, he realized as a tear slipped down his cheek. He was   
too weak, and he couldn't stop himself. He would drain the woman he   
loved, killing her. *Somebody stop me, please* he silently wished.  
  
Buffy felt a moment of renewed panic as she felt herself weakening.   
Angelus must have sensed it too, as he tightened his grip on her   
shoulders, his fangs clamping down harder on her neck. Buffy cried   
out in pain, but it trailed off as she drifted away into   
unconsciousness.  
  
************************  
  
Xander jerked awake with a start, as he realized that Buffy was gone.   
He looked at the clock, it was past ten. *Where is she?* he wondered.   
With a sense of dread, he got up, and went out. He felt that he had   
to find her, something was terribly wrong.  
  
He checked two cemeteries, then found himself at Angel's   
mansion. "Maybe she needed to say goodbye." He wasn't sure whether   
or not to disturb her, if that was the case. He heard her yell; that   
settled the question, as he rushed inside.  
  
He stopped short at the scene in front of him. Angel was drinking   
from Buffy; she was unconscious. "GET OFF HER!" he yelled. He staked   
Angel in the shoulder, deliberately choosing not to dust him. The   
vampire snarled, looking up at him, but Xander stood his ground. "I   
didn't have to miss," he said. "Get the HELL away from her!" He   
noticed a significant change in Angel's demeanor, then Angel   
retreated across the room quickly.  
  
Xander knelt by Buffy quickly, not giving Angel a second   
thought. "Oh, God, Buffy! Please don't be dead!" He fought the urge   
to panic, and grabbed her wrist, checking for a pulse. It was there,   
but very slow and unsteady. The puncture wounds in her neck were   
still bleeding profusely, too. He looked up in surprise as a small   
towel was put in his hand.   
  
Angel looked away, unable to meet Xander's eyes. "Take her to the   
hospital," Angel whispered. "She's still alive, but just barely."   
  
Xander somehow fought the urge to stake the vampire for what he'd   
done and pressed the towel to the wound on Buffy's neck. Then he   
gathered her limp body into his arms, and rushed outside.   
  
************* 


	45. Bad News

Part 45 - Bad News  
  
"Come on Buff, stay with me," Xander begged as he ran all the  
way to the emergency room with Buffy in his arms. "You promised  
you wouldn't do this without talking to us first, now don't you  
DARE leave me!" he yelled.   
  
He finally got to the emergency room. "SOMEONE HELP US!" he  
yelled, hoping one of the busy doctors or nurses would hear his  
plea. A nurse ran up and grabbed a gurney on her way over.   
  
"Please help her," Xander begged the woman as he laid Buffy on  
the bed.   
  
"How--" the nurse pulled the towel away from Buffy's neck and  
nodded with a sigh. She called over a doctor who immediately  
rolled Buffy down the hall, yelling for a couple more nurses to  
follow him.   
  
The nurse grabbed Xander's arm and kept him from following. "You  
can't go in there 'til we get her stable."  
  
"But--  
  
"It's not up for debate," she cut Xander off. "I promise she's  
in good hands; we'll do everything we can to help her. Is any of  
that blood yours?" she indicated the blood stain on Xander's  
shirt.   
  
Xander looked down, he hadn't even noticed it. "No," he replied  
with a shrug.   
  
"Okay, I won't ask you what happened because I've seen too much  
of this kind of thing not to know. Sit down before you fall  
over," she urged Xander over to a chair. When Xander had obeyed,  
she sat down next to him. "Now, is there anyone I need to call?  
Her family?"   
  
"I..." Xander trailed off. "I'll do it," he mumbled.   
  
"Are you sure?" the woman eyed him worriedly.   
  
"Yes," Xander nodded. Strangely enough he did feel fine. He knew  
he should have been freaking out and crying or screaming but he  
felt exactly the opposite. Calm. "I'm fine. Go help Buffy."   
  
"All right. I'll come back the minute we know anything," the  
nurse said, then ran off down the hall.   
  
Xander got up and walked over to a payphone. He dialed Joyce's  
number first. He checked his watch as he did, it was 9:30 pm. He  
hung up before she answered though, he couldn't do that. Telling  
her over the phone would be too cruel. He called Giles instead.  
Giles could go get her in person and bring her to the hospital.   
  
"Hello? Giles, it's Xander. I..." he realized what he was  
calling to tell him then and leaned on the wall to steady  
himself. "I'm at the emergency room. Yes, she did," he sighed,  
Giles had guessed immediately what had happened to Buffy. "She's  
okay...I think. I just...Go tell Joyce, would you? I didn't  
think she should hear over the phone.... I'll call Willow, just  
go get Joyce."   
  
He hung up the phone and took a few deep breaths before calling  
Willow. The reality of the situation hadn't hit him until  
talking to Giles. Hearing the pain in the other man's voice had  
made it clear that this wasn't a dream. He wasn't going to wake  
up and find Buffy still lying safe in his arms.   
  
He shook away those thoughts as the tears threatened to come;  
and he dialed Willow's number. "Wills it's me. I'm at the  
emergency room with Buffy..." He couldn't fight the tears after  
he heared Willow's panicked voice. "I don't know," he whispered  
in response to Willow's question whether Buffy was all right.  
"She lost so much blood," his voice caught in a sob. Willow told  
him she'd be right there and Xander hung up the phone.   
  
"This ISN'T happening. This isn't happening, this isn't  
happening..." he chanted through his tears as he slumped down to  
sit on the floor, his head in his hands.   
  
***********  
  
"XANDER!" Xander's head shot up at Willow's yell. She saw him  
and rushed over. She dropped to her knees and hugged him. "She's  
going to be okay," she said more calmly than she felt.   
  
"You don't know that," Xander replied, fresh tears falling then.  
"You didn't see--"   
  
"Hush," Willow cut him off. "Xander, she needs us to believe  
she's coming back."   
  
Xander looked up to see Giles and Joyce speaking to a nurse.  
Joyce was crying and holding onto Giles tightly. He then noticed  
Oz standing near him and Willow. Xander stood and helped Willow  
to her feet. He then walked over to a row of chairs and sat  
down. Willow hovered nearby but didn't sit, Oz moved to put his  
arm around her waist.   
  
Giles and Joyce walked over then and Giles said, "They've moved  
her upstairs. She's stable but she hasn't woken up yet. They'll  
let us in to see her, one at a time, in about an hour."  
  
Xander nodded, he felt a little relieved at the news. Stable was  
good, but he wished she were awake. Joyce sat next to him and he  
looked up at her. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know she was gone, I  
should've stopped her--" He looked away from her and brushed  
away his tears.   
  
"Don't you dare," Joyce said and put her hand on his arm. He  
looked back at her and she added, "You, Alexander Harris, are  
the best thing that's ever happened to my little girl. I don't  
blame you for this, you will NOT blame yourself either. That's  
an order. " She pulled him to her and hugged him as they both  
cried.  
  
**************** 


	46. Waiting

Part 46 - Waiting  
One hour later   
10:30  
  
They'd walked upstairs and were waiting for permission to see  
Buffy. They hadn't been told that Buffy would definitely  
recover, it all depended on her waking up.   
  
Xander looked up and saw Angel had walked over to them. He  
didn't see that Angel looked apologetic, all he saw was the  
memory of him draining Buffy. "BASTARD!" Xander yelled and flew  
at Angel. He punched Angel in the face before Giles grabbed him  
around the waist and pulled him away. "How DARE you come here  
after what you did!" Xander screamed.   
  
Angel backed away slightly, looking at Xander sorrowfully. "I  
just wanted--"   
  
"I don't give a DAMN what you wanted!" Xander yelled. "GET OUT  
OF HERE!"  
  
"Xander, please," Giles said calmly. "This isn't helping  
anyone."   
  
"You don't underSTAND--"   
  
"You think I don't understand? I think you know better, Xander.  
I want to stake him too for nearly killing her," Giles replied.  
" But it wouldn't fix anything, destroying Angel. It wouldn't  
turn back the clock. She'd still be here fighting to come back  
to us. If anything, Xander, if you stake Angel, it makes all of  
this for nothing. Don't make her sacrifice worthless."  
  
Xander took a deep breath and looked up at Giles. He nodded,  
"Fine, but that doesn't mean we have to tolerate him _being_  
here."   
  
"Willow's already taking care of it," Giles said. Xander looked  
to see that Willow had indeed walked back down the hall with  
Angel and was talking to him. "Now if I let go of your arm, will  
you go sit down calmly?" Giles asked.  
  
"Yes," Xander replied and Giles released him. As he'd agreed, he  
walked over to a chair to sit down again.  
  
Willow meanwhile had pulled Angel out of the fight. "Angel, this  
really isn't a good time for you to be here," she said gently.  
"I know you didn't mean to upset anyone but that's all that your  
presence can do right now. You're just lucky that Joyce went to  
get some coffee."  
  
Angel nodded with a sigh. "You're right, I'm sorry. I just  
wasn't thinking clearly. I just wanted to know she was all  
right."   
  
"She's stable," Willow shrugged. "Whatever that means. Look,  
Angel, she already knows you're sorry. Just go home and I'll  
call you when she wakes up, okay?"   
  
"Okay," Angel replied. "Thank you, Willow," he added, before  
walking to the elevator.  
  
********************  
  
They'd finally been allowed to see Buffy. Everyone else went in  
before Xander, at his insistence. Willow knew it was because he  
still felt like he'd failed all of them by not waking up and  
keeping Buffy from leaving. She hoped he'd get over it soon,  
since none of them blamed him.   
  
Finally, after everyone had had their time with Buffy, Joyce  
said, "Now get in there and convince her to come back to us."  
Xander nodded and walked into the room. He tried to ignore the  
beeping of the heart monitor and all the other assorted hospital  
sounds and focus on Buffy.   
  
He walked over to sit in a chair by her side. She looked so pale  
still and he saw the bandage on her neck where Angel had bitten  
her. "Just wake up, Buffy. I'm ready to face whatever happens to  
us after you do. But I can't live on this earth without knowing  
you're at least alive and trying to be happy. Just seeing your  
face, it's the only thing that keeps me going. Nothing else  
matters if I don't at least have your friendship."   
  
He took her hand in both of his and added, "I need you so much.  
More than I should maybe, but I can't help that. So don't you  
dare leave me here alone."   
  
********** 


	47. Another Chance?

Part 47 - Another chance?  
Two Days Later  
  
Buffy opened her eyes and saw Xander. He was asleep, his head  
laid on the bed, both his hands clutched one of hers tightly.  
She was in the hospital, she realized, as she looked around and  
heard the beeping of the various monitors. *He found me.* She  
wondered how long she'd been unconscious and also wondered if  
Angel had survived.  
  
"Can you ever forgive me?" she said out loud.   
  
"I forgive you," Xander replied tonelessly, as his eyes opened  
and he looked up at her.   
  
Buffy looked at him a moment. He looked so exhausted, but beside  
that he was also closed off from her emotionally. She'd gotten  
used to that defense mechanism. She couldn't blame him for it,  
either. She wondered if he'd decided being with her wasn't worth  
what she kept putting him through.   
  
"I'm so sorry, Xander," she said, sadly. "I didn't feel like I  
had a choice. I didn't leave your house planning for this to  
happen. I thought I'd find him dead and gone. But then, when I  
found him still alive, I couldn't walk away."  
  
"I know," Xander said with a shrug. He sighed. "I even  
understand why you did it. It doesn't mean I like it, but I do  
understand." He paused, then added, "I need to ask you  
something. And if you can't answer it now, that's fine. But I  
need to know and I need you to be honest with me and yourself  
when you answer me."   
  
"You can ask me anything, Xander," Buffy replied. "I promise  
I'll always be truthful to you."   
  
He nodded and looked away. "Am I still the one you want to spend  
the rest of your life with?" he asked then. Finally she saw a  
brief flicker of emotion in his face. He was afraid, truly  
afraid, that she'd decided she really wanted Angel after all.  
  
"Xander," she said, as she began to cry. "That never changed. I  
could have lived without Angel, I was prepared to do that. But I  
can't live without you. Please don't ask me to."  
  
Xander let out the breath he'd been holding and looked at her.  
Buffy saw tears in his eyes. He moved to sit next to her,  
pulling her into his arms. "I wouldn't," he replied. "I love  
you, Buffy, and I'm not all that sure _I_ could live without  
_you_. For the record, I would still love you even if you'd  
answered my question the other way."   
  
They sat for a moment in silence, just holding each other,  
before Xander said, "You had us   
all so worried, Buffy. You were almost completely drained of  
blood when I got you here. But the doctors said you'd be okay as  
long as you woke up. And you did, so we'll have you home soon."   
  
"How long have I been out?" she asked then.  
  
"Two of the longest days in my life," Xander replied. He read  
the other question in her eyes and added "Angel's cured."  
  
Buffy sighed with relief. She pulled away and saw the anger in  
Xander's eyes, though, and said, "Please don't blame him,  
Xander. I made him drink; he was too weak to stop himself."  
  
Xander shook his head, "I didn't stake him, Buffy. Don't ask me  
to do anything more than that."  
  
Buffy nodded. She remembered how difficult it had been for her  
to forgive Giles when he'd almost caused Xander's death, and HE  
hadn't been directly responsible for it. She couldn't even  
imagine how Xander felt toward Angel for almost taking her life,  
even if she'd let him do so. "Okay," she nodded. She took his  
hand in hers and squeezed it. "It doesn't matter. All that  
matters is that you haven't given up on me. Although I should  
have used up all my chances with you by now."   
  
"Never," Xander said, "I've tried not to love you. It didn't  
work."  
  
Buffy smiled, "I'm glad."   
  
Xander stood, still holding her hand. "I'll tell everyone you're  
awake," he said. He stood there not moving, though. Buffy tugged  
on his hand; and he sat back down again and kissed her gently,  
before finally leaving the room.  
  
*********************** 


	48. Happy Christmas Memories

Part 48 - Happy Christmas Memories  
Two weeks later  
Christmas Night, 6 pm  
  
Xander was in a relatively good mood, as he finished wrapping  
his Christmas gifts for Buffy and Joyce. He was about to leave  
for the Summers' house for dinner, when he heard the doorbell.  
His mom was out, after they'd had the annual Christmas lunch.  
That consisting of: 'Dad gets drunk and screams at Mom and  
Xander, throwing things until passing out' He didn't know where  
his father was at the moment, so he went upstairs to answer the  
door. It would be rude to subject whoever-it-was to his father's  
hangover, after all.  
  
His good mood dissipated, though, at the sight of Angel standing  
in front of him. Angel had stayed clear of the gang since the  
nearly-draining-Buffy incident, but Xander knew Buffy had gone  
to see him at least once. Xander _had_ hoped he'd never have to  
look at Angel again, himself. But considering this was a small  
town, that had probably been too much to wish for.  
  
"What?!" he said finally in irritation, as Angel said nothing.   
  
Angel winced. "I know I'm the last person you want to see. Ever,  
I imagine and I respect that. I just wanted to tell you  
something. I can just tell you out here, if you're more  
comfortable with that."  
  
"I think that would be good," Xander replied.  
  
"I'll make it quick," Angel said. "First, I arranged for Spike  
to find out that Drusilla's in Tokyo. He left tonight."  
  
"How did you know where Drusilla was?" Xander questioned.  
  
"I didn't," Angel said with a small smile. "I manufactured the  
evidence and sent Willy to Spike with it. He should stay out of  
your hair for quite some time."  
  
"Too bad you couldn't have done that two weeks ago," Xander said  
harshly. Unfortunately, the pained look on Angel's face didn't  
give him as much pleasure as he'd thought it would.  
  
"I wish I had," Angel said softly. "I know you hate me, Xander,  
for what I did to Buffy. I wouldn't even think of trying to  
change that, because I feel the same way about myself. I don't  
deserve to still be here. I think all of you would've been  
better off if I'd remained in hell. But I didn't and the only  
reason I'm still in Sunnydale is to help stop the Ascension. But  
that leads me to the second thing I came here to tell you: I'm  
leaving town after The Ascension."  
  
Xander was surprised at that revelation, he'd never expected it.  
"Why are you telling me this? And when are you going to tell  
Buffy?"   
  
"I'm telling you, because I don't want you to think I'm in any  
way a threat to your relationship with her. I'm not going to try  
to disrupt what you two have. She's happy with you, I saw that  
from the first moment I saw you two together. She's happier with  
you than she ever was with me. There was always a dark cloud  
following us around when we were together. That's why I didn't  
try to get her back when she told me she wanted to be with you.   
  
I've realized, though, that we can't be friends. Our ability to  
destroy each other seems to still be a problem. That much became  
painfully obvious two weeks ago. I can't allow something like  
that to happen again. So I'm going to leave town, and let Buffy  
have the life, the happiness, she deserves."  
  
Xander nodded. He understood Angel's point of view. Maybe it was  
better for all of them, if Angel left. Sometimes a clean break  
was better than pushing the 'just friends' thing. Especially if  
that repeatedly ended up badly. "I get it. Still wondering when  
you're going to tell her, though."  
  
Angel sighed, "I think I'll wait until after Christmas. Somehow  
I figured it might make your Christmas better, so that's why I  
told you now." He shrugged, "That's all. I'll go," and he turned  
to go.  
  
"Angel."   
  
Angel turned back and looked at Xander.   
  
"I'll take care of her," Xander said.   
  
"I know you will," Angel replied. "If I thought otherwise, I  
wouldn't have let go so willingly."   
  
Angel walked off then, leaving Xander staring after him in  
surprise.   
  
*****************  
  
Buffy looked around nervously; she wanted the house to be  
perfect. Giles and Xander would be arriving soon. There was  
something missing, she just couldn't figure out what it was. She  
sighed and made her rounds through the first floor again. *Tree,  
tinsel, ornaments and lights on tree, wreaths, holly....  
  
Buffy was glad she'd convinced Giles to come over for Christmas  
Dinner. She'd regretted her cruel words to him at the mansion  
the night of Angel's injury and she'd apologized a few days  
after her release from the hospital. He'd also apologized for  
his threat to kill Angel and they'd made their peace. Now the  
last thing needed in order to uncomplicate life was to help  
Giles and her mother find their way back together.   
  
They had had been civil to each other the past few weeks, and  
Buffy had seen that ironically her stay in the hospital had  
brought them even closer together. They were friendly again, so  
now all it took was an extra shove further together.  
"Mistletoe!" she finally realized what the missing decorations  
were. She smiled deviously as she hung some misteltoe at the top  
of the front doorframe first. There was more than one way to get  
them back together. She then looked around for other prime  
places to hang more of the mistletoe.  
  
The doorbell rang and she looked out of the window. Giles.  
"MOM!" she yelled, running upstairs. "I'm upstairs, could you  
get that?" She grinned as her mother went to the door and opened  
it.   
  
"Rupert, Merry Christmas. Please come in," Joyce said and  
stepped back.   
  
Buffy ran back downstairs. "Uh-uh!" she yelled. "Stay where you  
are, look up and follow the rules!" Still grinning, she ran into  
the kitchen to give them their privacy. She did peek back out to  
make sure they were getting into the Christmas spirit and was  
thrilled when she saw they were doing just that.   
  
She heard the doorbell again and rushed past them. They were  
still getting reacquainted. "Go in the other room, please?" she  
suggested. "I'm not grossed out by the smoochies at the moment,  
but don't push your luck."   
  
Giles looked embarrassed at being caught kissing Joyce. "Well,  
I... uh--"   
  
"Oh, shut up, Ripper," Joyce said with a laugh. "Let's take my  
daughter's advice. You can keep me company while I finish things  
in the kitchen." She pulled Giles into the kitchen with her  
before he could reply.  
  
"I love Christmas," Buffy said, before pulling the door open.  
"Merry Christmas, Xan!" she greeted him happily before she dove  
at him and kissed him passionately.   
  
"Mmph," was all he could say in response, as his mouth was  
otherwise occupied. Not that he minded this display of affection  
from her, though. He eventually decided she'd had way too much  
fun as she controlledthe kiss, exploring every inch of his mouth  
with her tongue. He pushed his tongue into her mouth, and pulled  
her body close to his. She moaned clutched him tighter. She  
finally pulled away reluctantly, though, as the need to breathe  
presented itself.  
  
"You can greet me like that anytime," Xander joked. "Wow."  
  
Buffy giggled, she had to take a moment to recover from the  
kiss, too. She turned away and pulled him inside and then he got  
a chance to really look at her. "And wow," he added with another  
smile. She was wearing a long-sleeved black dress, low-cut in  
the bodice and the skirt reaching her ankles. On her feet were  
black high heels.   
  
"I'm glad you like." She stopped to take in his appearance too.  
He was wearing a dark green long-sleeved shirt and black pants.  
Buffy thought the green suited him, and set off his deep brown  
eyes. "You look nice too," she said with a smile, taking his  
hand and leading him into the living room. "So how was your  
day?" she asked hesitantly. She'd heard the stories of what  
passed for Christmas ritual at the Harris house and wondered if  
today had been any different.   
  
"Don't ask," Xander replied with a sigh. "Is it possible to  
trade in one's parents for a new set?" He sat down on the couch  
and Buffy curled up next to him. He smiled, putting one arm  
around her shoulders. "But you always make things better," he  
added, pressing a kiss to her forehead.  
  
"I'm glad," she said with a smile up at him, taking his free  
hand in both of hers. "I wish there was a way to make it  
different, Xan."   
  
"It doesn't matter--"  
  
"But it does," Buffy frowned. "It's just not right. You deserve  
at least one set of happy Christmas memories."  
  
"And I will have them," Xander replied with a shrug. "Today, the  
last half of the day anyway, will be great. I'll just file the  
first few hours away as 'yet more things to repress'." Buffy was  
still frowning, and he smiled and kissed her. "I love you for  
worrying about me, but I'm fine, Buffy. In the many years of  
holiday badness, this year was one of the tamest. But can we not  
let them ruin the rest of the day by talking about them? I  
really don't want to think about anything but spending a normal  
Christmas evening with my girlfriend, her mother and her  
mother's ...boyfriend?"   
  
Buffy giggled. "That word associated with Giles _so_ doesn't  
work. Her..." She thought for a moment and shrugged. "He's  
Giles. They're dating. He's 'Giles, The Guy who Takes Her on  
Dates.'"   
  
Xander shook his head, still grinning at her, "Okay, and you're  
completely adjusted."   
  
"Hey, I'm a firm believer in the 'If I don't think about it, it  
doesn't exist' way of thinking," Buffy said with a shrug.  
  
Xander chuckled. "Yeah, like I said, completely adjusted where  
your mom's sex life is concerned."  
  
"EEEEEEEEWW!" Buffy squealed, pulling away from him. "I can't  
believe you just SAID THAT!"   
  
"Buffy, dinner's ready," Joyce said as she and Giles walked into  
the living room.   
  
Buffy looked up, and made another face. "EEWWWW!" she yelled and  
ran upstairs.  
  
"What did I say?" Joyce wondered, with a frown.  
  
Xander chuckled and shook his head. "Believe me, it wasn't you.  
And trust me, you don't want to know. I'll go get her," he added  
and ran upstairs. He found Buffy in her room, sitting on the  
edge of her bed. She looked up at him with a pout and he  
grinned. "I'm sorry?"  
  
"You're not," she said, throwing the nearest stuffed animal at  
him. "That was just so wrong, Xan. Now I won't be able to look  
at them without..." she shuddered. "Not good stuff going through  
my mind."   
  
Xander sat next to her, and she punched him in the arm without  
warning. "Ow!"  
  
"You deserved that," she insisted. "And worse. I'm serious, I  
_can't_ go down there now. Thinking about Mom and Giles already  
gets my over-active imagination going on its own. But you had to  
go and help it out, give it really interesting stuff to  
picture..."  
  
"How about I get your mind off it?" Xander suggested.  
  
"Yeah like you could do that," Buffy muttered.  
  
"Sounds like a challenge," Xander said. "I like challenges." He  
put one hand under her chin, coaxing her to look at him, before  
he captured her lips in a passionate kiss and wrapped his arms  
around her waist and pulled her close. He pulled away eventually  
and looked at her with a smile. "How was that for a  
distraction?"  
  
"Huh?" was all Buffy could manage, while she wondered why he'd  
stopped kissing her. "Oh. Yeah," she said with a grin. "What  
were you trying to distract me from?"  
  
Xander chuckled and kissed her again quickly. "Never mind. Let's  
go downstairs for dinner." Buffy nodded, and they walked  
downstairs, hand in hand.   
  
****************  
Midnight  
  
The night had been enjoyable and relaxing for all of them.  
They'd exchanged gifts, talked, and most of all laughed. Giles  
finally left shortly before midnight and Joyce went to bed soon  
afterward. "You two behave," she said to Buffy and Xander with a  
smile, before she went upstairs.   
  
"'Night, Mom," Buffy said from where she sat curled up next to  
Xander, her head on his chest. She was now wearing the necklace  
Xander had bought her as a Christmas gift: a small gold cross  
with a diamond in the center. She had the sneaking suspicion it  
was a real diamond, though Xander had avoided answering her  
earlier when she'd asked. Buffy had bought him a watch, his  
other one's wrist band had broken and she'd noticed he hadn't  
had time to replace it. He'd gotten her mom a bottle of her  
favorite perfume, which had surprised both Buffy and Joyce that  
he knew which brand it was. All in all, it had been a great  
evening, Buffy thought.   
  
"Falling asleep on me?" Xander asked, running his fingers  
through her hair.   
  
"No," she said and smiled up at him. "I was just thinking this  
was a great Christmas."   
  
"Agreed," Xander said, hugging her tighter. "Full of happy  
Christmas memories."   
  
********* 


	49. Moving On

Part 49 - Moving On  
Next day, Saturday  
  
Buffy got up at five a.m. and headed outside. Her mom watched  
her like a hawk anymore, not that Buffy really blamed her. But  
it made going to see Angel practically impossible. She'd only  
seen him only twice since getting out of the hospital two weeks  
earlier.   
  
Those times had been tense, to say the least. She realized Angel  
blamed himself for her almost dying. But unlike him, she  
couldn't regret it. She'd saved him, that was all that mattered.  
He'd saved her life more times than she could count, she  
couldn't understand why he was upset when she'd chosen to do the  
same.   
  
She sighed, they had to get past it. Both of them. She wanted  
to be able to have her life with Xander. More than that, she  
wanted to feel like they could move forward with their life  
together. She couldn't do that if she were constantly worried  
Angel would finally stake himself after letting his guilt over  
what had happened to her get to him.  
  
"Angel?" she called as she entered the mansion.   
  
"Yeah, Buffy," Angel replied as he walked out of the kitchen.  
"It's early," he said as he leaned against the wall. "What's  
up?"   
  
"I figured you'd be up," she shrugged. "Mom's still asleep," she  
added by way of explanation. He nodded, she saw he understood  
the reason for the early visit. He motioned her to sit and she  
did. She sat on the couch and he took a chair nearby.  
  
"I just needed to talk to you, Angel," she said. "I'm worried  
about you. The few times I've seen you since your being  
poisoned, you've looked so .... run down, I guess. I know that  
you still feel guilty about what happened. I _am_ sorry for  
putting all that additional guilt on you, but I'm not sorry for  
saving you. I wish you could just let go of what happened and  
stop beating yourself up about it."  
  
"I'm dealing with it," he shrugged. "It's easier when I see that  
you are okay... and you seem happy."   
  
"I am happy," Buffy replied with a small smile. "Everyone I care  
about is okay, demon activity has been way down. What's not to  
be happy about? I'd be happier if I knew you were happy too,  
though."   
  
Angel shook his head, "Happiness isn't something I'm allowed to  
have. That's not part of the 'trying to make up for a century of  
killing' deal."   
  
Buffy sighed and frowned at him. "Well then, I wish you weren't  
completely miserable at least. Can't you at least have a little  
peace of mind?"   
  
"I'm not miserable," Angel replied. "I've accepted the way that  
things happened, also that there's nothing I can do to change  
any of it. I won't lie, it did take me a while to get here. And  
I've also made some decisions to try to reach some peace of  
mind. Decisions I was going to tell you about, anyway, so I'm  
glad you're here."   
  
"Go on," Buffy said, curious as to what 'decisions' he'd made.  
  
"Well, about two weeks ago I arranged for Spike to be sent on a  
wild-goose chase. A wild-Drusilla chase, to be more precise." He  
smiled when Buffy rolled her eyes at him. "So he's gone. Out of  
the country. I seriously doubt he'll be back anytime soon. I've  
provided enough 'evidence' to keep him busy for a good year."   
  
Buffy nodded, "Okay. I would've preferred just getting the  
opportunity to stake him. But I see your point in just getting  
him gone. He's done more than enough damage to every one of us."  
  
  
"I just thought it would be safer than risking another fight,"  
Angel said. "And now for the other decision. It wasn't an easy  
one to make, but I know it was the right one." He took a deep  
breath and looked at her closely. He finally said, "I'm leaving  
Sunnydale after we fight the Ascension. Assuming we win, and I  
think we will, I'll be moving on."   
  
"Oh," Buffy said and looked at the ground. She was surprised, to  
say the least. It was hard to even contemplate Sunnydale without  
Angel in it. She'd met him not long after she'd moved there.   
  
She realized though that his choice of words: 'moving on', he'd  
meant them in more ways than one. Moving on to another town as  
much as moving on to start a new life. She also realized he  
probably needed that.   
  
She looked up at him and saw his eyes pleading with her to  
understand. She smiled, "I understand," she said. "And I think  
maybe you're right. Maybe it's best for you... everyone, if we  
all do a little moving on."  
  
Angel sighed with relief. He'd been expecting a fight; he was  
glad she understood. "Thank you."   
  
"For what?" she asked. "For not screaming and yelling and  
begging you to stay?" She shrugged. "Would it work?"   
  
He shook his head, "Like you said, it's best for everyone."   
  
Buffy nodded. "You're just lucky, you caught me on a  
semi-rational day." She smiled when that got a chuckle in  
response. "Don't get me wrong, Angel. I'm not happy you're  
leaving. But I know it can't have been easy for you to stick  
around this long, seeing how close Xander and I are. But it  
means a lot that you have, and that you care enough to stay to  
help us stop the Ascension.  
  
"And I could be selfish and beg you to stay, but I won't.  
Because I also want you to be happy, like I said. Unlike you, I  
think it's something you are allowed to have. You deserve more  
than you think you do, Angel. One thing being happiness. Not  
perfect happiness," she added with a smile, "'cuz that'll just  
lead to badness. Just happiness. I think it's a perfectly  
reasonable thing to expect for you."   
  
Angel shrugged. "Maybe," he allowed, choosing not to argue with  
her. He was glad she could finally talk about the curse and the  
happiness clause without letting it upset her. The clause was  
one of the reasons he'd decided, though, that happiness wasn't  
something he'd even let himself get close to having. The costs  
were too great.  
  
"Well, I need to get back," Buffy said. Maybe, eventually, Mom  
won't be so freaked about me seeing you." She saw his doubtful  
look and smiled. "Or maybe not. It doesn't matter, I've never  
done what she expected anyway," she muttered as she walked to  
the door.   
  
Angel just laughed and stood then followed her to the door. That  
much was true.   
  
"So I'll see you later, Angel," Buffy said. "I'll call you and  
let you know when we're going to meet about the Ascension.  
  
Angel nodded, "Okay, Bye."   
  
Buffy walked outside and back home. She felt sad, in a way, but  
she also felt more at peace than she had in a while. She hoped  
that Angel did, or would eventually, feel the same way.   
  
******************** 


	50. The Look

Part 50 - The Look  
  
New Year's Eve  
8 pm  
  
Buffy waited for everyone to show up. Her mom had gone to spend  
the evening at Giles' and had agreed to let Buffy have her  
friends over to their house for New Years' Eve. She'd also  
indicated that Buffy not wait up for her, but Buffy chose not to  
contemplate that too much.   
  
Xander was the first to arrive, to Buffy's delight. "Come in,  
Xan," she said, taking his jacket and putting it in the closet.   
  
When Xander walked in, he'd been caught completely speechless.  
Buffy looked incredible. She was wearing her black leather pants  
and a black tight-fitting top. He hoped he wasn't staring at her  
open-mouthed. When he found that he wasn't, he breathed a sigh  
of  
relief.   
  
Buffy turned back to him and smiled. The way he was looking at  
her, it was quite obvious what he thought of her appearance. She  
realized then he didn't look half-bad either. He was wearing a  
dark blue silk shirt and black pants. She decided then that he  
looked absolutely edible. That thought caught her slightly off  
guard but she grinned, she couldn't argue with it.  
  
She pulled his head down for a kiss and was surprised for a  
second time, by the passion with which he returned it. Their  
tongues dueled for control of the kiss before Buffy finally  
conceded. She moaned when he pushed his tongue into her mouth,  
then whimpered when he grabbed her hips and pulled her body  
close   
to his. She could feel the evidence of how much he wanted her   
pressing against her hip and she realized that she wanted him   
as much if not more.   
  
She finally broke the kiss and pulled in a shaky breath. Their  
eyes locked for a moment, neither of them saying a word, then  
Buffy pulled away. She turned and walked into the living room,  
"Let's sit."   
  
"What was that look for?" Xander wondered as he followed her  
into the living room.   
  
"What look?" Buffy asked innocently, though she was fairly  
certain what look he meant. She knew she hadn't been able to  
hide how much she wanted him when she'd looked into his eyes  
earlier. "There was no look," she said when she turned to face  
him.  
  
"There was a look," Xander insisted, "I've just never seen it  
before."   
  
"Probably not," Buffy admitted, with a shrug. She still had no  
intention of revealing the thoughts behind her 'look' though.   
  
"Buffy..." Xander resorted to whining.   
  
She laughed, "While you are incredibly adorable when you revert  
to a little boy, you're not going to get anywhere with doing  
it." She replied as she sat on the couch.   
  
Now Xander was really curious. "Come ON, Buff," he wheedled as  
he sat next to her. He kissed her again. "I'm not going to stop  
asking."  
  
"Later," Buffy said. "Maybe." She was saved by the doorbell then  
and jumped off the couch to go answer it. Xander just chuckled  
and shook his head as he watched her run off. The night was  
definitely going to be interesting.  
  
******************  
  
  
Willow and Oz showed up not too long after Xander did. That had  
made things less tense between Buffy and Xander. She couldn't  
keep him from trying to figure out what she wasn't telling him,  
though. She tried to put him at ease, keeping him close, but he  
was still determined to know what was going on in her mind. He'd  
asked her a few times, but she'd just shook her head and walked  
over to talk to Willow when he did.   
  
Not that she did much to keep him from wondering. She'd had  
trouble concentrating on anything all night, other than Xander.  
She couldn't stop looking at him. He'd caught her looking at him  
most of those times and had just given her an amused look in  
response.   
  
They had played card games until they'd gotten bored of that,  
then they'd sat around talking. Buffy was glad they'd had a few  
hours to just be normal teenagers. Now they were watching the  
countdown on the television. "Happy New Year!" They all yelled  
at the stroke of midnight.   
  
Buffy turned to Xander then and they kissed. This one was  
quicker, more chaste, Buffy smiled at him when she pulled away.  
"I love you, Xan."   
  
"Love you too, Buffy," he replied and smiled back at her.   
  
"Well this was fun, guys, but Oz and I are going to go now,"  
Willow said as she and Oz stood.   
  
"You sure?" Buffy asked.   
  
"Positive," Willow replied. "G'nite guys."   
  
"Good night, Willow," Buffy and Xander said. They sat back down  
on the couch, letting Willow and Oz let themselves. out.   
  
"Well, then," Buffy said. She looked at Xander then got up  
again. She walked around absentmindedly picking up dirty dishes  
and carrying them to the kitchen. She was doing it more to  
gather her thoughts together so she could find the courage to  
talk to Xander. She knew she was being silly, though. Xander was  
her best friend, not just her boyfriend.   
  
Xander watched her go back and forth, patiently waiting for her  
to finish with the clean-up. He knew something had her nerves  
worked up, he'd get it out of her eventually. He looked up when  
he felt her eyes on him. He grinned as she blushed yet again and  
walked out of the room. She'd been doing that all night. He  
*had* to know what was causing this reaction. She was definitely  
acting more lighthearted, he loved seeing that. And the way she  
was looking at him, it was almost like... He didn't let himself  
finish that thought, not wanting to get his hopes up like that.  
Buffy and he still had a long way to go before they were ready  
to move their relationship to that level.  
  
She finally ran out of things to do and walked back into the  
living room. "Hi," she said with a grin as she sat next to him.   
  
"Have I told you tonight how beautiful you are?" he wondered.  
  
"You are just too sweet," Buffy replied with a smile, kissing  
him softly.  
  
When they pulled away, he frowned. "I'm serious," he insisted.   
  
She laughed, "I know you are." She sighed contentedly then, and  
relaxed, resting her head on his chest. "That's why you're  
sweet."  
  
"So we're alone, finally." Xander said unnecessarily as he put  
his right arm around her shoulders.   
  
"Mm-hmm," Buffy replied.  
  
"So, now will you tell me?" Xander asked.  
  
"Tell you what?" Buffy replied, feigning ignorance. She knew  
what he wanted to know. *How does one tell her boyfriend, 'Well,  
I was contemplating what a good kisser you were. And that made  
me think you might have other hidden talents. And then combined  
with how good you looked, my over-all conclusion was you looked  
good enough to eat.*   
  
Xander's breath caught in his throat as she put her left hand on  
his right leg and ran it up and down his thigh. "Um, Buff?" he  
said as he put his free hand on hers to still her movements. "No  
fair trying to distract me."   
  
"Huh?" Buffy looked down at where their fingers were interlocked  
on his upper leg. She pulled back and looked up at him. "That's  
not what I was trying to do, I just drifted off for a moment."   
  
"I figured," Xander said, with a smile. "But you still haven't  
answered my question."   
  
"I know. The look," she said, looking away. She sighed, "Fine."  
She looked back at him, "The look was me thinking about how much  
I want you." *Well, the direct approach is good, too.* she  
thought as she saw the surprised look on his face.  
  
Xander stared at her a moment. That had not been the response he  
was expecting. He didn't know what he'd been expecting, but just  
not that. "Buffy-" That came out too hoarse, so he cleared his  
throat and tried again. "Buffy, I..."   
  
Buffy shrugged, "It's okay. I understand if you don't want to. I  
know I've put you through so much. I have to wait until you can  
trust me again, I understand that. I just... I'm ready, that's  
all. I'll wait until you are too--"   
  
Xander silenced her ramblings the only way he knew how. He  
grabbed her face and kissed her passionately. He wanted her,  
he'd wanted her for longer than he could remember. But it had  
never seemed to be the right time. He'd been convinced she was  
the one that wasn't ready; he hadn't wanted to rush her. He  
finally came up for air, and said, "Don't ever think I don't  
want you. You're the only girl I've ever wanted. I just never  
thought you felt the same way."   
  
"How could you ever doubt how I feel about you?" Buffy replied  
with a smile, moving to sit sideways across his lap. She caught  
a look of uncertainty in his eyes and frowned. "All right. What  
now?"   
  
"It's just that..." Xander hesitated. This was the talk that  
usually ended in him being laughed at. He shook his head, he had  
to believe Buffy was different. "I've just never..."   
  
"Oh," Buffy understood his discomfort. He was a virgin. She'd  
just never really thought about it. She didn't mind, though, it  
wasn't as if she was that experienced. Or good, if Angelus could  
be believed. She shook that thought away quickly. "You think I  
care about that?" she said to him.  
  
"Well... no," Xander said.   
  
"Xander, I love you, I wouldn't care if you've been with a  
hundred other girls, or none. Tell you the truth, though, I kind  
of like that it's none."   
  
Xander smiled and kissed her in reply.  
  
"So now we've gotten all of this out in the open," Buffy said.  
"I want you, you want me. The only question that remains is what  
are we going to do about it?" she asked with a twinkle in her  
eye.  
  
"I want our first time together to be special," Xander said. He  
put his hands at her waist and trailed kisses across her jawline  
and down to nuzzle her neck.   
  
"Um...." Buffy found it incredibly difficult to think clearly  
when he was doing that. "We're alone."  
  
"We've also got the possibility of your mom coming in," he  
replied as he looked into her eyes with a grin. "Her walking in  
on us, that would definitely not keep her super opinion of me  
intact."   
  
"You're right," she admitted with a sigh. "Okay, so we wait  
for the right time. I suppose that's for the  
best."   
  
"Definitely," Xander said and kissed her gently. "I should go  
home," he said reluctantly.   
  
Buffy frowned, "Don't. I don't want this night to end."   
  
"We'll have others like it and better," Xander replied.   
  
She finally nodded, and slipped off his lap to sit on the couch  
again. "Fine. But I'll see you tomorrow morning, right?"   
  
"First thing," he promised. He had the day off of work, and  
they'd planned to spend it together. They stood and she walked  
him to the door.   
  
"Be careful walking home," she said.   
  
He smiled and pulled a stake out of the pocket of his jacket  
that he'd retrieved from the hall closet. "I have no intention  
of being attacked by demons. I'll be fine." He then kissed her  
again, a little too long, leaving them both breathless when he pulled  
away. "Sleep well, Buffy."   
  
"I will," she said. She waited at the doorway, watching him walk  
down the street until he was out of sight.  
***** 


	51. A Perfect Night

Part 51 - Perfect Night  
Valentines Day  
  
Xander walked to Buffy's house, feeling better than he had in  
months. He hadn't felt that good since Angel had returned from  
hell and sent his and Buffy's world into a tailspin. Now,  
everything was different, though. She loved him, and actually  
wanted to be with him. The last month, they'd only gotten  
closer, more sure that they were committed to each other  
completely. They'd talked about it and had decided on  
Valentine's Night to be the night they made love. He'd arranged  
for dinner at the best Italian restaurant in town and a suite at  
the Holiday Inn.  
  
Joyce answered the door when he knocked. "Hello, Xander," she  
said with a smile. "Happy Valentine's Day. Come on in. Buffy  
should be down soon. I have to go check on dinner...." her voice  
trailed off as she retreated to the kitchen.   
  
Xander waited but didn't have to wait long. He looked up as  
Buffy walked down the stairs. She was wearing a red, low-cut  
dress with spaghetti straps, the skirt reaching to mid-thigh,  
and black high heels. She'd curled her hair, then pulled it up  
in a clip away from her face. Around her neck was the gold cross  
necklace he'd given her.  
  
Buffy smiled as she saw him in a black suit. She reached him and  
put her arms around his neck. "Happy Valentine's Day, Xan. Black  
is good on you."   
  
He smiled and pulled the bouquet of red roses from where he'd  
been hiding them behind his back. "Happy Valentine's Day,  
Buffy." He chuckled when she just looked at him in disbelief.  
  
They were interrupted by the doorbell. "Giles," she explained  
and went to the door. "Giles," she greeted her Watcher with a  
hug. "Mom's in the kitchen."   
  
"I don't... I can sit out here and wait..." Giles offered.   
  
Buffy laughed. "Mom's in the kitchen," she repeated. "Do me a  
favor and tell her to put these in a vase for me when you go in  
there?" She handed him the roses. She smiled as he wandered off  
in that direction muttering something about 'getting no  
respect.'   
  
She turned back to Xander then. "I love you," he said.   
  
She smiled. "Thank you for the roses, Xan. They're beautiful.  
And I love you too," she replied. She put her arms around his  
neck and kissed him thoroughly, leaving him with no doubts as to  
her feelings. When she pulled away she turned to yell, "MOM!  
WE'RE LEAVING!"   
  
"OKAY! BYE!" Joyce yelled back.   
  
"So let's go," Buffy said. "And I know you have no faith  
whatsoever in my driving so Mom agreed to let you drive the  
Jeep." She handed him the keys and they walked out to the  
garage.   
  
**************  
  
Buffy smiled over at him as he drove them to the restaurant. She  
felt nervous, but she knew that she didn't have any doubts about  
wanting to make love with him.   
  
He looked over at her with a smile as they reached a stop light.  
"Everything okay?"   
  
"Wonderful," she said and took his hand in hers.   
  
"No second thoughts?" he asked. "It's okay if you do, there's no  
rush--" He was cut off as Buffy leaned over to kiss him.   
  
"I don't feel rushed, Xander," she assured him. "I'm a little  
nervous, yeah," she shrugged. "But I love you and I want to make  
love with you."   
  
"I love you, Buffy," he added and kissed her quickly.   
  
She smiled and settled back in her seat. They finally reached  
the restaurant and walked inside. Buffy was amazed he'd chosen  
this restaurant, it had to be the most expensive in Sunnydale.  
Typical Xander, though, to not hesitate to go for the best for  
her. She loved him for it, though. She didn't mind being treated  
as incredibly special, she felt the same way about him.  
  
They ordered dinner then Buffy grabbed one of Xander's hands.  
"So..." she started to say then frowned as her cell-phone rang.  
Giles had bought it for her after the incident with Angel,  
insisting she carry it with her at all times. "Yes?" she said  
irritatedly. She sighed then, shook her head. "Can't you get  
Angel? ... Of course you can't find him; he's probably on  
patrol. No, Will, don't apologize. It's not your fault; I'll be  
right there."   
  
Xander had already gathered something was wrong. He stood and  
got up, arranging for the waiter to cancel the order, relieved  
when he found it hadn't even been placed yet. He returned as  
Buffy ended the call with Willow. "Trouble?" he asked.   
  
She rolled her eyes. "Vampires at the Bronze," she replied  
softly. "Let's go." He nodded and they walked back out to the  
Jeep.   
  
******************  
  
Two hours later...  
  
"I swear, do demons KNOW when I'm planning something and I  
really don't want to be interrupted?" Buffy grumbled as she and  
Xander walked back into her house. They'd gotten to the Bronze  
just in time to fend off twenty vampires at the Bronze who'd  
decided to have a feast. She and Xander had chased another one  
into a cemetery, where she'd managed to stake him finally.   
  
She'd turned to Xander with a sigh of relief then, only to be  
tackled by a slime demon. Xander had killed it before it had  
done any damage... further than covering her in goo.   
  
"I _told_ you we didn't want to follow that other vampire,"  
Xander said now with a grin. He was horrified when she burst  
into tears though. "Buffy!" he said, pulling her into his arms.  
"What is it? Please, don't cry!"   
  
"It's... not... fair," she said between sobs. "I wanted this  
night to be perfect and... it's ...all ruined!"   
  
"Oh," Xander said and sighed with relief that it wasn't anything  
more serious than that. "God, Buff, don't scare me like that.  
Hey, it's okay," he added, when she didn't let up. "We have the  
rest of our lives here, I don't think demons are going to keep  
us apart forever." He pulled away and lifted her chin to look  
into her eyes. He brushed the tears from her cheeks and kissed  
her gently. "I love you too much to let a few demons change my  
mind about that."   
  
She got hold of herself and smiled. "I'm sorry. I just really  
hate that everything got all screwed up."  
  
"It's all right," he assured her. "Let's just call it a night  
and try again another time, all right?"   
  
She nodded and he kissed her again. "Good night, Buffy. I love  
you," he said and left.  
  
**************** 


	52. Prom Night

The first song in this chapter is "I Will Love You by Fisher,  
the second song is "Take My Hand" by Dido. Both awesome songs,  
highly recommended!  
  
****************  
  
Part 52 - Prom night  
  
Xander smiled as he walked up to Buffy's door. They'd had a bad  
several weeks with fighting demons, but it looked like they'd  
get prom night for a chance be normal. They'd also decided to  
try again  
with moving their relationship forward. So he'd gotten a hotel  
suite, yet again, for after the prom.  
  
Joyce answered it, with a smile. "Hello, Xander," she said.  
"Come on in. Have a seat. I think Buffy's still getting ready."  
  
Xander smiled, "Of course she is," and followed her. They  
weren't sitting long before he heard Buffy walking downstairs.  
He looked up and stood as she walked in. She'd chosen a long  
white dress, which was very low cut in front. She had curled her  
hair, leaving it down.  
  
Xander had gone with a black tuxedo. Buffy smiled as she walked  
up to him. "Hi," she said. "Okay Mom. You know the drill. No  
annoying pictures. We'll have pictures taken at the Prom, so  
don't nag."   
  
Xander smiled at Buffy's matter-of-fact attitude. Leave it to  
her to lay down the law with her own mother.   
  
"Okay," Joyce shrugged. "Have fun you two."  
  
"We will. Let's go, Xan," Buffy said, taking his hand. They  
walked to the door. Buffy stopped then and called, "Don't forget  
I'm spending the night with Will!" She ignored Xander's amused  
look at the white lie. She'd just never managed to have the 'Oh  
by the way I'm going to have sex with Xander' talk with her  
mother.   
  
Xander just shook his head with a smile and held the door open  
for her. He chuckled when she gasped in surprise. "Yes, I rented  
a limo," he answered. "Come on, Buffy." He put his hand at the  
small of her back, following her to the car. The chauffeur  
opened the door for them and Xander grinned at Buffy's  
completely thrilled look.   
  
"I can't believe you did this!" Buffy said when they were both  
in the car. She grabbed him and kissed him passionately by way  
of thanks. When she pulled away, they were both gasping for  
breath. "Thanks," she said with a grin.  
  
"Uh-huh," Xander said as he tried to gather his thoughts back  
together.   
  
Buffy gave him a devious look that made him incredibly nervous  
then. "Hmm," she said. "So we've got all this time before we get  
to the gym. Neither of us are having to pay attention to the  
road. What are we going to do with ourselves?" She ran her hands  
up his chest, smiling as he shivered in response. She trailed  
them up to interlock her fingers behind his neck, pulling his  
head down for another kiss.   
  
Xander let her control the kiss, but put his hands on her hips,  
slipping them up to her breasts. He squeezed them gently through  
the fabric of her dress. Buffy gasped and pulled her mouth away  
from his as his hands brushed over her breasts. She moaned when  
he squeezed them gently. She felt like her skin was on fire and  
his hands hadn't even really touched it yet.   
  
He kissed the sensitive skin of her neck and she sighed.  
"Xander."   
  
"Hm?" he mumbled, not removing his mouth from her neck. He  
frowned as he felt the car stop. "We're there."   
  
"Not fair," she protested.   
  
"Hey, _you_ started it," he teased. He dodged and got out of the  
car as she tried to him. He held out his hand and helped  
her out of the car too.   
  
"How long do we have to stay?" Buffy wondered as they walked  
into the crowded gym.   
  
Xander chuckled and walked up behind her. He wrapped his arms  
around her waist and said, "We're staying for the entire prom."  
At Buffy's frown, he kissed her. "Taking this night  
slow will only make it better," he added.  
  
Buffy sighed and shrugged. "I suppose. Okay, let's dance," she  
said as a song came over the loud speakers that she recognized.   
  
"Yes, Ma'am," Xander agreed, following her out to the dance  
floor.   
  
***********************  
2 am  
Sunnydale Holiday Inn  
  
Xander and Buffy arrived at their suite at the hotel and Xander  
unlocked the door. He smiled at Buffy's shocked reaction. There  
were candles everywhere, not to mention a fireplace in the  
adjoining bedroom that already had a roaring fire. He followed  
her into the room, glad that his orders for making the room  
ready had been followed completely.   
  
Buffy walked into the bedroom and saw the bed, sprinkled with  
red rose petals. She turned to see him in the doorway and looked  
at him with a smile. "You thought of everything, didn't you?"  
she asked. She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around  
his waist.   
  
"I tried," Xander replied, wrapping his amrs around her. "I  
wanted this to be perfect, Buffy."   
  
"It will be perfect, Xander, because we're together," she said  
and rose on her tip-toes to kiss him gently. She pulled away,  
"We need music." She went over to the radio and turned it on.  
She was glad to find that the music fit the mood.   
  
She pulled him onto the bed with her and they kissed  
passionately.   
  
//Til my body is dust  
Til my soul is no more  
I will love you, love you  
Til the sun starts to cry  
And the moon turns to rust  
I will love you, love you  
  
But I need to know  
Will you stay for all time  
Forever and a day  
Then I'll give my heart  
Til the end of all time  
Forever and a day  
  
And I need to know  
Will you stay for all time  
Forever and a day  
Then I'll give my heart  
Til the end of all time  
Forever and a day  
  
Til the storms fill my eyes  
And we touch the last time  
I will love you, love you  
I will love you, love you  
I will love you, love you//  
  
Xander couldn't help feeling inadequate, suddenly. He was a  
virgin and her previous lover had had a good two hundred years  
of experience. What if he couldn't compare?   
  
Buffy watched him as the shadow fell over his face. She didn't  
know what he was thinking, but imagined it wasn't something he  
needed to be thinking about at the moment. "Xander," she put her  
hand on his arm. "What's wrong?"   
  
Xander sighed, shaking his head, "Nothing."   
  
"No, it wasn't 'nothing'," she insisted.   
  
He leaned on one elbow next to her, and said, "Okay, but  
remember you asked. I feel like I can't help but disappoint you.  
I mean, I've never been with anyone, but--"   
  
"Don't," she cut him off. "Don't bring him into this, Xan..."  
She sighed. "Too late. It's what you were thinking and now here  
he is." She sat up suddenly and decided she wasn't wearing  
enough clothes anymore. She got up off the bed and grabbed his  
shirt off the floor and pulled it on quickly. "And that, Xander,  
is what we call a mood killer," she muttered as she walked out  
to the balcony.  
  
"Damn it," Xander sighed. "Why'd you go and do that?" he asked  
himself. "Everything was so great, and now you've spoiled the  
whole evening."   
  
Buffy stood outside and let the cool air calm her. She wished  
she could keep Xander from constantly comparing himself to  
Angel. But she didn't know what to do to put his mind at ease.  
She couldn't say or do anything more than she'd already done.  
She'd chosen him, and if that wasn't proof enough that he was  
who she wanted, she didn't know what else to do.  
  
"I'm sorry," Xander said behind her. She turned around to face  
him. "I'm an ass?" he offered with a shrug.   
  
Buffy giggled and shook her head. "No, Xan. You're not that. I  
just wish you could believe that this is about you and me.  
Nobody else."   
  
Xander nodded. "I let my insecurities get in the way," he  
admitted. "If you want me to take you home, I will."   
  
"I don't want that," she replied, walking up to him. "I want to  
be with you, Xander. No one else but you. Can you please try to  
believe that for one night? I love you; I want to make love with  
you."  
  
Xander smiled at her, and shrugged, "I don't deserve you."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "I think we've both made enough mistakes  
to last a lifetime. We have been through things that would tear  
other people apart, but we're still together. That's because we  
love each other. And I want you to make love to me right now,  
Xander."   
  
Xander looked at her a long moment. As he looked into her eyes,  
he understood that there was nobody in her heart, not the way he  
was. He didn't know what he'd done to manage that, but he  
wouldn't ruin it again. He pulled her to him in a passionate  
kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck and jumped up,  
wrappingher legs around his waist. He carried her into the  
hotel suite again and into the bedroom. He laid her on the bed  
gently and moved next to her. "I love you, Buffy. I don't see  
that ever changing," he said.   
  
"Good, 'cuz I think I've got the same problem," she said with a  
smile. He smiled back and kissed her slowly and tenderly.   
  
//Touch my skin and tell me what your thinking,  
take my hand and show me where we're going  
Lie down next to me,  
look into my eyes and tell me,   
oh tell me what you're seeing  
  
So sit on top of the world and tell me how you're feeling,   
what you feel now is what I feel for you  
Take my hand and if I'm lying to you,  
I'll always be alone, if I'm lying to you  
  
See my eyes, they carry your reflection,   
watch my lips and hear the words I'm telling you  
Give your trust to me and look into my heart and show me,   
show me what you're doing  
  
So sit on top of the world and tell me how you're feeling,   
what you feel is what I feel for you  
Take my hand and if I'm lying to you,   
I'll always be alone, if I'm lying to you  
Take your time, if I'm lying to you,   
I know you'll find that you believe me, you believe me  
  
Feel the sun on your face and tell me what you're thinking  
Catch the snow on your tongue and show me how it tastes  
Take my hand and if I'm lying to you, I'll always be alone,   
if I'm lying to you  
Take your time and if I'm lying to you,   
I know you'll find that you believe me, you believe me//  
  
  
************** 


	53. Preparations for the Future

Part 53 - Preparations for the Future  
****************  
  
Next Morning  
Sunday, 10 am  
  
Buffy woke curled up against Xander's side, his arms wrapped around her. She  
looked up at his face and saw that he was already awake, watching her.  
"Morning," she said with a smile. "How long have you been awake?"  
  
"Dunno," Xander shrugged as he ran a hand through her hair.  
  
"Well, I'm sure watching me sleep wasn't all that fascinating," Buffy replied.  
"You should've woken me up."  
  
"I like watching you sleep," Xander said with a smile. "I wasn't bored at all."  
  
"I love you," Buffy said, leaning up for a kiss.   
  
She pulled away and laid her head back on his chest with a contented sigh. She  
realized that this was very much a new experience, actually waking up and  
finding the man she loved still there, holding her, the morning after they made  
love. "I like waking up in your arms," she said softly.   
  
"I should hope so," Xander said. "Because I want to always be here when you  
wake up."  
  
Buffy smiled up at him. It was scary sometimes how well he read her mind. She  
kissed him again and said, "We should get dressed." With the Ascension coming  
the following weekend, the day of graduation, the gang had agreed to meet at  
Giles' place today to make plans. They'd finally found out what the Ascension  
meant: the Mayor would turn into a demon and destroy the entire town of  
Sunnydale and everyone in it would be killed... unless they stopped it.   
  
"Yeah," Xander sighed. "I suppose you're right." He smiled and added, "And by  
the way, I love you too."  
  
Buffy grinned and sat up, stretching. "Good," she replied. "Because you're  
stuck with me."  
  
"Oh, damn," Xander teased. "I think I can deal with that."  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes. "All right, I don't know about you, but need a shower."  
She got out of bed and made it halfway to the bathroom, and realized Xander was  
still lying in bed. "Xan, you really gotta learn to take a hint," she said.   
  
"Oh," Xander's face lit up. "Coming," he replied as he jumped out of bed and  
followed her to the bathroom.  
  
**************  
Two Hours Later  
Giles' Apartment  
  
Buffy and Xander had gotten separate taxis to take them back to their homes and  
then had met up with the rest of the gang at Giles' place. They had been  
discussing how to stop the Ascension for an hour, and Buffy was getting  
frustrated by the lack of ideas. "Giles, why can't I just kill him, so he can't  
turn into this demon?" Buffy asked.   
  
"Because I don't want to visit my girlfriend in prison," Xander replied as he  
walked over to sit next to her on the couch. "Come on, Buff. You know that's  
one of the reasons why he's in such a high-profile position. Stopping the  
Ascension is one thing, but being in jail for murder, that's another."  
  
"I agree," Giles said, as he momentarily stopped his pacing. "Killing the mayor  
while he's human is just not an option, Buffy. If we can eliminate the demon,  
that's our best option."  
  
"What about a spell?" Willow offered from where she sat at a nearby table with  
Oz.  
  
"We don't know enough about the type of demon he is going to become to be able  
to use magic to destroy it," Giles replied.   
  
"So...we're left with using weapons, but I'm thinking we need a lot more  
weapons than a fewstakes and crossbows," Buffy said. "Not to mention quite a  
few more powerful ones, too."  
  
"Oh! Here's something else about the Ascension," Willow said, looking up from a  
book she was paging through, "'Darkness will follow and day becomes night.'"  
  
"A solar eclipse?" Giles frowned and walked to look over Willow's shoulder at  
the book.  
  
"Well, if that's true, then that means Angel _will_ be able to help, after  
all," Buffy pointed out. She glanced over at Xander to see how he would react  
to that. She couldn't see his face though, since he stood up and walked into  
the kitchen.  
  
"I agree we need his help, but we need more than that" Oz said. "This demon, by  
all accounts, is really big and really nasty."  
  
"So we'll talk to the people at school we know we can trust," Buffy said. "Get  
some more help. If this is going to be a fight for all our lives, the more  
people we have on our side the better."  
  
"I don't know..." Giles said.  
  
"Giles. Big, ugly demon, probably wants to eat us all," Buffy replied. "You  
really think a slayer, her four human friends and a vampire can take him out?"   
  
"I suppose not," Giles admitted.  
  
"Good. So it's settled, then. The next few days, we'll talk to some of the  
other kids and recruit the ones we can for the fight. But what about weapons?"  
  
"I'll contact the Watchers Council," Giles replied. "Even though they don't  
recognize me as your Watcher anymore, and supposedly they're working on sending  
in a new Watcher, I can't see how they won't help us with procuring weapons to  
stop an Ascension."  
  
"I hope so," Buffy said. "Okay, so is there anything else for now?"  
  
"I suppose not," Giles said. "We'll meet again tomorrow after sundown, so Angel  
can be part of the plans."  
  
"All right," Buffy nodded and went into the kitchen to find Xander. "Xan?"  
  
He was leaning against the counter, with a bottle of Coke. "Hey," he said with  
a small smile.   
  
"You understand we need his help, Xan," Buffy said, walking over to him and  
wrapping her arms around his waist. "Don't you?"  
  
"Of course I do," Xander replied with a sigh.   
  
"He's leaving after graduation, Xander. But even if he wasn't, you don't have  
to worry about him. We're through."  
  
"I know, Buffy," Xander said. "And I'm trying, really I am, not to be jealous  
of the past you two share. But it's not easy."  
  
"Just as long as you know that I want you to be my future," Buffy said,  
reaching up to stroke his cheek with one hand.   
  
"I do," Xander replied with a smile. He leaned down to kiss her tenderly and  
added, "I don't know what I did to deserve it, but I know how lucky I am."  
  
"I'm the lucky one," Buffy said. "Walk me home?"  
  
"Of course," Xander said and they walked hand-in-hand out of the kitchen. "See  
you later Giles," he said.  
  
"See you tomorrow," Giles replied as Xander and Buffy left.  
  
************ 


	54. Hopes and Fears

Part 54 - Hopes and Fears  
  
Wednesday Morning  
8 am  
  
Buffy stopped by Xander's house on the way to school. He usually met her at her  
place, but when he didn't show up she figured he was running late. She realized  
the reason he was running late as she got within fifty feet of his house. She  
could hear the yelling from there.   
  
"This is not what he needs when we're trying to plan for the biggest fight of  
our lives," Buffy muttered as she approached the house.   
  
"I'm leaving and you can't stop me!" she heard Xander yell.   
  
"You wanna bet?" This from another male voice, which she recognized as Xander's  
father.   
  
There was a loud crash, and this was the last straw for Buffy. She rushed into  
the house and saw Mary sitting in the kitchen crying. She continued on into the  
living room in time to see Xander get knocked to the ground after being punched  
in the face by his father.   
  
"STOP IT NOW!" Buffy screamed.   
  
Both men turned to look at her.   
  
"Oh how sweet," LaVelle Harris sneered, turning back to Xander. "You need this  
little slut to protect you, Alex?"   
  
"ENOUGH!" Xander yelled as he got to his feet. "You can beat me up all you  
want, but you will NOT speak to my girlfriend that way!"  
  
"Xan," Buffy walked over in front of Xander and put her hand on his arm. When  
he looked down at her, she said, "It doesn't matter what he says. You know he's  
not worth it." She turned to look at Xander's father. "And by the way, Xander  
doesn't need me to protect him, or anyone else," Buffy replied. "I know he's  
dealt with you more than once, and survived it every single time. He's the  
strongest man I know." Still keeping her eyes trained on the older Harris man,  
she added, "Come on, Xan. Let's get out of here."  
  
"Just give me a minute to talk to Mom," Xander replied. "Please?" he asked,  
when Buffy hesitated and looked up at him worriedly.  
  
"Fine," she sighed and walked back out of the house. Xander came out five  
minutes later. "You okay?" she asked as they walked down the side walk, arms  
around each other's waists.  
  
"Yeah," Xander said. "He just found out that I'm looking at apartments. He  
doesn't want to lose that extra money that I bring in to the house."   
  
"Have you found anything yet?" Buffy wondered.  
  
"Yeah. I'm hoping it will work out, so I can get out of that house for good.  
But I'll look at it after graduation, though. There's no use making plans  
unless we stop the Ascension."   
  
"You mean 'until we stop the Ascension', right?" Buffy asked.   
  
"Yeah, whatever," Xander shrugged.   
  
"We will stop it, Xan," Buffy said. She did have hope they would and she needed  
him to have that hope, too. Giles had managed to get quite a stockpile of  
weapons together, including some pretty cool looking flame throwers. She and  
the others had recruited twenty students already to help out with the fight.  
Apparently most of Sunnydale High was already quite aware of the demon problem  
in the town, so it didn't take much to convince them on that point. Buffy  
didn't blame them for their attempts at pretending until now that their lives  
were normal, she wished sometimes that she could do the same.   
  
She realized Xander hadn't agreed with her earlier. She stopped and turned him  
to face her. "Xander, it's all going to work out."  
  
Xander hesitated a moment and then smiled. "I do believe you," he said. "Why  
shouldn't I? You've never been wrong yet." He leaned down to kiss her. "So you  
want to look at the apartment with me next week? Since you may be spending a  
little time there yourself, if I take it."   
  
"I 'may be spending a little time there'?" Buffy raised an eyebrow. "Well, I  
should hope so," she replied with a frown.   
  
"So is that a yes?" Xander asked with a grin.  
  
"Yes, of course it is," Buffy replied and they continued down the street to the  
school.   
*********** 


	55. Graduation

***********  
Part 55 - Graduation  
  
Buffy and the other students sat as the Mayor stepped onto the  
podium to make his speech. Buffy and the gang, along with the  
students who had agreed to help them, were well-armed under  
their gowns. She turned to look at Xander, and smiled at him,  
trying to reassure him that everything would be okay. He smiled  
back, hesitantly, she could see how nervous he was.  
  
Everything would be just fine, she told herself. She slipped her  
hand in the pocket of her gown and clutched Mr. Pointy tightly,  
reassuring herself that the stake she'd survived her last three  
years of slaying with was still there. She felt lucky as long as  
she had it. She also had a crossbow strapped to her body,  
underneath her gown but over her dress. Everyone else had  
crossbows, too.  
  
She glanced over at Willow and Oz then. They smiled at her; she  
knew they were ready. She located Cordelia too, who glared at  
her. Buffy sighed, but she knew Cordelia would fight. Willow had  
gone to her and Cordelia had agreed to help. She informed Willow  
that even though she wasn't too fond of Buffy, she wanted to get  
out of Sunnydale alive.   
  
Buffy looked back at the audience of family and friends, trying  
to do something to occupy herself to keep her nervousness down  
to a minimum. There were so many people, they'd be a good meal  
for the mayor if Buffy and the others couldn't stop him. As for  
her mother, Buffy and Giles had convinced him to leave town for  
the weekend and visit an old friend who lived in L.A. It hadn't  
been easy to get Joyce to leave, but Buffy was relieved she was  
gone. If things went wrong, at least her mom would survive it.  
She glanced across the aisle from the graduates to the faculty.  
She knew Giles was somewhere over there, even though she  
couldn't locate him.   
  
And the last member of their gang was Angel. Buffy hadn't seen  
him yet today, but she knew he was waiting in the sewers for the  
eclipse. That had been the plan and she knew she could count on  
him. She could count on all of them. They'd all get out of this  
alive... she hoped.  
  
They were all ready for what would happen... at least as ready  
as they could be. All they had to do was wait for the  
transformation. Buffy hoped it would happen soon. The Mayor was  
babbling on... and on... and on... A scream of pain from him  
diverted her attention back to the podium. Finally.   
  
Xander glanced back at Buffy, amazed at how calm she looked. He  
was far from calm. He wasn't thrilled with the plan they'd  
decided on, mostly because it was so dangerous for Buffy. If her  
timing was off by just a second... He shook his head, he  
wouldn't think of that. She'd survived everything the hellmouth  
had thrown at her for the past two years. She'd survive this one  
too. She had to. He didn't know what he'd do if he lost her.   
  
He was distracted from his musings by a scream from the mayor.  
He doubled over, like he was in pain. "Come on," Xander  
muttered. "Just start changing already, so we can get this over  
with."  
  
The mayor chuckled and apologized, then screamed again. There  
was a loud crash of thunder and suddenly the mayor began to  
morph. He screamed one last time, and began to change, into a  
giant snake. People screamed and Xander and the others started  
yelling at them to run.   
  
"Get outta here!" Xander screamed at the kids around him as he  
tore off his robe and unstrapped the crossbow from his waist.  
There was chaos and panic all around him. Xander ran out of the  
way, just as what had previously been the mayor dove down and  
swallowed two of the graduates. "Shit!" Xander yelled as he  
barely escaped being food himself.   
  
He could hear the others herding what was left of the audience  
out of the school grounds, while Oz and several other guys lined  
up next to him. They all had crossbows of their own. "Fire!"  
Xander yelled, and they shot off their arrows. They all hit the  
creature on its underside, but the attack didn't even phase it.  
  
Buffy located Willow and Cordelia, they were herding everyone  
not in on the plan out of the schoolyard. She saw Xander, Oz,  
and several of their male classmates across the yard, shooting  
arrows at the demon the Mayor had turned into. The Mayor,  
meanwhile, wasn't affected in the least by this; he'd eaten at  
least ten people so far.   
  
There was another loud crash of thunder, and darkness  
approached. The sun was being eclipsed. "ANGEL!" Buffy yelled  
for him to come out of the sewers. She suddenly realized that  
the eclipse would be helpful for the Mayor, as well. Vampires  
started pouring out of the sewers and attacking people.  
"VAMPIRES!" Buffy yelled a warning to the others.   
  
Xander turned just in time and shot off another arrow at an  
approaching vampire. "Back to the van!" He yelled at the other  
guys as he ran to get more weapons. There were about fifty kids  
n on the plan, and they all regrouped to get more weapons.   
  
"Flame throwers," Oz suggested. "It'll at least clean out the  
vamps."   
  
Xander nodded, "Just make that you don't get Angel by mistake,"  
he replied. At Oz' surprised look, he added, "I did _not_ just  
say that," before running off with two flame throwers, one for  
Buffy.   
  
"Buffy, catch!"   
  
Buffy looked over at the sound of Xander's voice and caught the  
flame thrower he tossed at her. "Good idea!" she hollered back  
and let the flames loose on the twenty vampires nearest her.   
  
She looked up to see Principal Snyder scolding the  
demon-formerly-known-as-mayor. "You idiot," she sighed. She  
watched as the creature then swallowed Snyder. "You should've  
run away," Buffy shrugged. She looked over to see Angel beating  
up and staking some vamps who'd cornered a group of kids.   
  
Giles ran up to her and said, "It's all ready, Buffy, whenever  
you are."   
  
Buffy nodded, "I'm ready." She ran as close to the creature as  
she dared and hollered, "Hey! You! Big ugly!" That got his  
attention, and she dove out of the way just as he tried to make  
her his next meal. She rolled and jumped back to her feet. "I'M  
the slayer! Come and get me!" She taunted.  
  
She turned and ran for the doors to the school building. The  
ground shook underneath her and she knew the creature was  
following her. She dropped her flame thrower and ran faster, as  
fast as she could. *I can do this. I always win* she told  
herself as she felt the puffs of air of the creature's breath on  
her back. She tripped and rolled out of the way as he tried to  
swallow her. *That was way too close* she told herself as she  
scrambled back to her feet and ran again. She felt the school's  
ceiling and walls coming down around them, as she ran down the  
hallway for the library.   
  
******** 


	56. Final Battle

********  
Part 56 - Final Battle  
  
Xander staked the last vampire that was near him and turned to  
look at the school building. He glanced around him and noticed  
that all the other vampires were gone. Everyone, like him, was  
staring at the school. They watched the last of the creature's  
tail disappear inside, as it followed Buffy.  
  
Xander felt like time stood still as they all waited. There were  
no sounds, other than that of the creature's enraged roars as it  
chased Buffy. He was grateful for the sound, though, since it  
was the only way he knew she was still okay. He looked over at  
Oz, who was standing by the van, his eyes trained on the windows  
to the library. Buffy had two minutes, from the time she got the  
demon into the school, to get back out again. Whether she did or  
not, Oz would then do what needed to be done to complete their  
plan. He looked down at his watch, she had ten seconds.   
  
"Damn it, Buff. Get out of there," he whispered, starting to  
panic.  
  
"She will," Willow said, walking over to him and taking his hand  
comfortingly. He looked over at her and she repeated, "She  
*will*."   
  
"God, I hope so," he replied, his voice a whisper, because of  
the fear overwhelming him.  
  
"Giles?" Oz looked over at the ex-watcher. "It's time."  
  
"NO!" Not *yet*!" Xander yelled, breaking away from Willow and  
running up to Giles. "Giles, she's not out yet!" he pleaded with  
the watcher.  
  
"Xander," Giles said, "I don't like it either, but... we can't  
wait any longer. Do it, Oz."  
  
"DON'T DO IT!" Xander yelled, running over to Oz. "You'll KILL  
HER!"  
  
"I'm sorry," Oz said, sadly, before he pushed the plunger on the  
detonators.   
  
"NO!" Xander screamed. Giles held him from running into the  
school building as a series of explosions went off inside. "STOP  
IT! LET ME GO!" he yelled, trying to get free. He could do  
nothing but watch, in horror as the building collapsed, amidst  
fire and smoke.   
  
"Oh god, NOOO!" He yelled again, tears running down his face.  
"BUFFFYYYY!" He couldn't breathe. The air was gone. He fell to  
his knees and Giles let him go.   
  
Willow knelt next to Xander, pulling him into her arms. "Xander,  
I'm so sorry," she whispered, rocking him gently. "None of us  
thought that this would happen..."   
  
Xander didn't reply, just held onto Willow as he cried, fighting  
for breath that wouldn't come. He'd come so close to losing  
Buffy so many times, he couldn't believe it had finally  
happened. He'd actually been thinking about the possibility they  
could spend the rest of their lives together. But now that dream  
was shattered.  
  
**************** 


	57. Saying Goodbye

Part 57  
Saying Goodbye  
  
The firetrucks showed up soon after the blast, and they all  
played dumb as to the cause of the explosion. Everyone except  
Xander, who just sat there, staring at the school building. He  
heard the others explaining to the paramedics and police that  
his girlfriend had died in the explosion. He'd winced at the  
words. They shouldn't be saying that. Saying it made it true and  
he didn't want it to be true.   
  
He still felt like he couldn't breathe, but he knew he *was*  
breathing because he was still alive. He couldn't understand how  
that was the case, when his reason for breathing... speaking...  
smiling... laughing... loving... believing... living... was  
gone. She was gone. He knew all this was true, even though he  
would have given his life to bring her back. Even knowing all  
this, he only felt numb. He should feel ... something. Anything.  
He didn't. He didn't know if he ever would again.  
  
He looked around him and the world seemed like it was moving in  
slow motion. He noticed Angel sitting under a nearby tree,  
staring at the remains of the school. He looked like he was in  
shock. There were red streaks down his face from the tears he'd  
shed. Xander knew that the vampire was probably as devastated by  
Buffy's death as he was. He never thought before that he'd  
understand anything about Angel, but now he did. Whatever else  
Angel had done, Xander knew that Angel had loved Buffy and had  
wanted her to be happy. That's why he'd let her go when she'd  
chosen to be with Xander, even though it must have hurt him more  
than anything.   
  
He looked at Willow. Oz. Giles. Cordelia. They were all standing  
nearby, their faces showing concern, sadness, worry,  
helplesness, as they looked from him to Angel. Most likely  
waiting for one or both to crack. Xander didn't feel that there  
was any danger of that from him. Yet. He was still sitting where  
he'd fallen earlier, when Willow had taken her in his arms as he  
wept. He'd stopped, eventually, and pulled away from her. She'd  
understood and let him be after that, though she still stood  
inches away from him.   
  
They'd defeated the evil demon, but the sun still hadn't  
returned. Xander felt that was fitting. *The day the slayer dies  
should *not* be a bright, sunny day.*   
  
"What on earth is with the long faces? The day we killed the  
worst demon ever is a day for celebration, people!"   
  
Xander looked up at the sound of the voice. Her voice. It  
couldn't be. Finally he saw her and his heart stopped. "Buffy?"  
he croaked, his voice hoarse with emotion.  
  
"Last I checked, that was my name," she replied with a smile as  
she walked closer. She covered in dust and soot, and a few  
gashes showed on her face, but otherwise she looked okay.   
  
"OH MY GOD!" Xander sobbed. "BUFFY!" He ran to her but made  
himself stop short, with a large amount of willpower. "Are you  
hurt?" He asked, his expression worried.  
  
"No--" The rest of Buffy's sentence was cut off as Xander pulled  
her into his arms, tightly and kissed her as if his life  
depended on it.   
  
"You're okay? You're alive?" Xander said as he buried his face  
in her hair. "Oh god, Buffy, I thought--"   
  
"I figured," she replied. "Xan, you really gotta let me breathe,  
though," she added. He was squeezing her so tightly he was  
cutting off her air supply. He eased up a little and she smiled  
as he looked into her eyes. She saw the tears in them and wished  
she hadn't scared him so badly. "Didn't I tell you it was all  
going to work out?"  
  
"You did," he replied. He smiled as he finally felt like he  
could breathe. "I just...I got so scared when you didn't get out  
before the explosions," he admitted.  
  
"I got out about half a second before," Buffy said. "but I got  
hit on the head by something on my way out. I was knocked out  
and I came to just a little while ago. I'm okay," she assured  
him when his expression turned concerned again.  
  
"Is everyone else okay?" she asked, looking around.  
  
"We all made it," Xander replied. The others walked up and  
hugged Buffy, expressing their relief that she was okay. Even  
Cordelia came up to her.   
  
"I just wanted to say... you did a really brave thing today,"  
Cordelia said.  
  
"Thank you, Cordelia, and thanks for helping us," Buffy replied.  
  
  
"Yeah, no problem," Cordelia shrugged. "Now, I'm outta here. I'm  
getting out of this cursed town, for good." And with that, she  
turned and walked away.   
  
"Well, why don't we all go back to my place?" Giles suggested.  
"I'll order pizza and we can celebrate, as Buffy suggested  
earlier."  
  
"Sounds like a plan," Buffy said with a smile. She saw Angel,  
who'd been hanging back, walking away. She turned back to  
Xander.  
  
"Why don't you meet us there?" Xander suggested before she could  
even figure out how to tell him she needed to speak to Angel.   
  
"I love you, Xander Harris," she said, pulling his head down for  
a kiss.  
  
"Love you too, Buff," he replied. "And I trust you, so go."  
  
She nodded and ran off down the street after Angel.   
  
**************  
"Angel!" Buffy called after him.  
  
He stopped and waited for her to catch up.   
  
"Why'd you run off like that?" she wondered as she reached him.  
  
"I only waited, to see if you would show up," Angel said with a  
shrug. "I figured you would; I didn't *feel* that you were dead.  
I will admit there were a few moments that I thought maybe I was  
wrong. I know I wasn't wrong now and I'm glad. But *you* should  
be with your friends."  
  
"And you're not one of them?" she countered.  
  
"You know what I mean," he replied with a sigh. "Besides, like I  
told you, I'm leaving town."  
  
"Tonight?"  
  
"Yes," Angel nodded. "I think - I know - it's time. I came here,  
originally, to help you fight demons. But you have something  
that none of the other slayers had, Buffy: a lot of people who  
are willing to fight by your side, to help keep you alive. And  
you're also much stronger than you realize. So I know you're  
going to be okay without me around. But if you guys ever need  
me...I've given Willow my cell phone number."  
  
"If anything else big shows up, we just might use it," Buffy  
said. "So, where do you go now?" she asked.  
  
"Los Angeles," Angel said. He added, "Don't say it; I know it's  
corny."  
  
"I wasn't thinking that at all," Buffy replied with a smile. "I  
think it's about time the City of Angels had their very own,  
true Angel to protect them."  
  
Angel just shook his head at that. "I'm not so sure that's what  
I am--"  
  
"You are," Buffy interrupted him. "You've saved my life and the  
lives of so many others, more times than I can count."  
  
Angel shrugged, "I've just tried to do some good."  
  
"And you have," Buffy replied.   
  
"I guess," Angel said. "Well, I need to go finish packing. So I  
guess this is goodbye."  
  
Buffy nodded, "I suppose it is... for now, anyway." She stepped  
closer and they hugged. "You've got good in you, Angel," she  
said. "I have always, and *will* always believe that."   
  
"I'll try never to prove you wrong," Angel replied.   
  
"I know you will," Buffy said, pulling away. "Goodbye, Angel."   
  
"Goodbye, Buffy," he said softly. "Be happy."   
  
"I will be," she replied with a smile. Then she turned and  
walked away, down the street.  
  
********** 


	58. A Happy Ending

Part 58 - A Happy Ending  
Two weeks later  
Monday, 12 pm  
  
"Buffy," Xander said, sitting on the bed. He smiled at the  
sleeping slayer. "Wake up." She replied with a grunt and he  
chuckled. "Come on, Buff. I'm hungry."  
  
"Tired," she mumbled and rolled over, her back to him.   
  
"Buff, it's technically afternoon, and that means it's time to  
get up!" Xander insisted.  
  
"Why?" she questioned, rolling over and opening one eye to look  
at him quizzically.   
  
"Um..." Xander thought about that a moment, before remembering a  
very good reason. "Because Willow and Oz are coming over and  
we're going to the park for a picnic lunch!"   
  
"XANDER!" Buffy jumped out of bed. "Why didn't you say so  
earlier?!"   
  
"I just remembered, myself," he shrugged. "Sorry"  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes and rushed into the bathroom to take a  
quick shower.   
  
Xander smiled and went out to the living room of the apartment  
to wait for her. His apartment. He'd decided on it a few days  
after graduation. It was not five miles away from UC Sunnydale,  
which was a good thing since Buffy had pretty much decided to go  
there.   
  
She'd all but moved in with him, without him even needing to  
ask. She kept some clothes in his dresser, and had taken over a  
shelf in the bathroom. He was more than happy with the  
situation, and had thought about asking her to just move in and  
make it official. He hadn't, though, because he worried she  
might say no. He wasn't sure _why_ he thought she'd say no.  
Willow had informed him that she thought he was being silly,  
when he had no reason to back up his fears. And maybe he was.  
  
Buffy showered and dressed in five minutes flat, which even  
surprised herself. She pulled her hair back in pony tail and  
walked to the living room. "Good morning - afternoon, I guess,"  
she said as she curled up next to Xander on the couch. "How long  
have you been up?" she asked. Not waiting for a reply, she  
kissed him soundly.   
  
When Xander had to come up for air, he tried to remember what  
she'd asked before the kiss. "Uh..." He remembered finally. "I  
think it was around eight."  
  
"What on earth have you done for the last four hours?" Buffy  
wondered. "You *could've* woken me up."  
  
"You had a busy slaying session last night," Xander frowned. "I  
knew you needed your sleep. I didn't do much while I waited;  
showered and dressed."  
  
"And?"  
  
Xander shrugged. "I suppose I watched you sleep a while."  
  
"A while?"  
  
"Three hours," he admitted with a grin.  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes, "You know, you are incredibly hopeless."  
  
"Yes," Xander agreed. He leaned down to kiss her. "But would you  
really want it any other way?"  
  
"I suppose not," Buffy shrugged, smiling at him. "You know, Xan,  
if anyone had told me, a year ago, that we'd end up together  
within the year... no offense, but I think I would've laughed in  
their face."  
  
"No offense taken," Xander assured her, "because I would've  
reacted the same way. But look at us now, happy... you are  
happy, right?"  
  
Buffy laughed and kissed him, passionately. "I am happier than I  
ever thought I could be," she said. "I love you, Xan. Everything  
about you, even your adorable, little insecurities. I love  
spending time with you, I love making love with you and I really  
love waking up with you."  
  
"I feel the same way," Xander said. "And that's why I've been  
meaning to ask you... I know you were planning on moving into a  
dorm at UC Sunnydale with Willow in the fall but I was wondering  
maybe if you'd, maybe like to, possibly, uh..." Xander trailed  
off, trying to find his nerve again, which seemed to have run  
away in fear.   
  
"Possibly, uh..." Buffy prompted, with a teasing grin. "Xan,  
don't you know, you can ask me anything?"  
  
"Yeah," Xander smiled. "God, I know I'm being silly. Just say  
it, Xander. Okay, Xander, I will." He took a deep breath and  
said, "Buffy, I was wondering if you'd like to live with me.  
Move in here." He looked at her, waiting for an answer.  
  
She grinned and threw her arms around his neck, kissing him  
deeply. When she pulled away, she giggled at the dazed look in  
his eyes. "Is _that_ all you wanted to ask?" she wondered.  
"We're almost living together already, how could you doubt I'd  
say yes??? I love spending every possible minute with you, Xan.  
So the answer is a very definite yes, I can't think of anywhere  
else I'd rather live."  
  
"Really?" Xander replied, not sure he was hearing what he  
thought he was hearing.  
  
"Really," Buffy said with a smile. "Surprisingly enough, Mom's  
been okay with how much time I've spent here, including the  
sleep-overs. So I think she'll have been expecting this. I'll  
start moving my stuff as soon as you're ready."  
  
"Now?" Xander suggested.  
  
Buffy giggled at his eagerness. "I think it can wait 'til after  
lunch, Xan. Don't worry, I'm not going to change my mind."  
  
"Have I told you yet, today, how much I love you?" Xander asked,  
running his hand through her hair.  
  
"Not in those exact words," Buffy said, "but I know. I've never  
doubted it, not for a minute."  
  
"Good," Xander said. "Because I do love you, Buffy Summers. And  
I can't imagine a day ever coming when that won't be the case."  
  
"I'm glad to hear that," Buffy said with a smile. "Since I'm  
pretty set on a happy ending for us."  
  
"Then we'll have it," Xander replied.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"And what makes you so sure about this?" Buffy wondered.  
  
"It's one of the few things that you've taught me to be sure  
of," Xander said. "When Angel came back, I was sure you would  
choose him. I mean, how could you not? I was nothing, compared  
to him. At least that's what *I* thought. But you did the  
strangest, most amazing, most surprising thing. You  
showed me that you didn't think that I was nothing. You chose to  
be with *me*, and you believed in the truth of our love. That  
was the most incredible thing anyone's ever done, in my life.  
And your belief in us taught me how to believe, too. And now, I  
don't know what else will happen in our lives, but I do know  
that as long as we hold on to our love, we'll be okay."  
  
"More than okay, Xan," Buffy said. "Perfect. As long as we're  
together, everything will be just perfect." She smiled and  
snuggled up against his chest, as they waited for their friends  
to arrive. She felt that everything *was* perfect. Their love  
was strong; in spite of all the odds against them, they were  
still together. And that's what made everything perfect for  
Buffy. Being with Xander made her feel wanted, needed and loved,  
with an intensity that she was certain would last forever. And  
if that wasn't a happy ending, then she didn't know what was.  
  
++++++++++  
THE END of Little Earthquakes! 


End file.
